Rick Reilly, Collin Kaepernick, Adoptees and Birth Mothers

In My Humble Opinion
41

Even though I started this post, obviously, I have no real control over the course it takes.

Even so, I should say here that I have no reason to think or assume anything bad about Heidi Russo, Colin Kaepernick’s birth mother, and I really don’t like seeing her smeared here by anyone, especially since none of us KNOWS her!

I defended Colin Kaepernick against what I thought was an unfair, unwarranted attempt by a STRANGER (Rick Reilly) to read his mind and tell him how he should feel and how he should live. Well, all of us here at the SDMB are strangers to the people involved, and we have no business guessing why they feel or behave as they do.

It’s NATURAL that many birth mothers have deep feelings for the children they gave up (if they didn’t care at all, they would have gotten abortions) and that they might have some interest in seeing them again one day. It’s EQUALLY natural that some adopted children AREN’T particularly interested in meeting those women.

I can’t possibly know what Colin Kaepernick’s reasons for not meeting her are, because there are MANY possible reasons, and speculation is pointless. MAYBE he still has some resentment toward a woman he thinks abandoned him. MAYBE he thinks meeting her would be a betrayal of his adoptive family. MAYBE he’s had a perfectly happy life and never gave his birth Mom a second thought. MAYBE he’s suspicious of people coming out of the woodwork now that he’s rich and famous. Who knows?

But his reasons are his reasons, just as Heidi Russo’s are hers. It’s possible that there really is a good guy and a bad guy here… but it’s more likely that both Heidi Russo and Colin Kaepernick are BOTH decent people who have a right to feel the way they feel and who’ve made decisions for reasons that make sense to them.

If the end result is that neither gets the storybook happy ending Rick Reilly would like to see… maybe that’s sad, but it’s not our place to tell her “Butt out of his life, and stop hoping for a reunion” OR to tell him “You OWE it to her to welcome her into your life.” We’re not qualified to call her a golddigger or to call him a cold-hearted SOB.

My own son will face these issues himself before long- I’ll support whatever he wants to do.

42

Potentially rich. As a rookie he made decent money but under 1 million. He has enough money that I’m sure he has more in the bank right now than me, but not nearly enough to last him for many years. Especially with NFL non-guaranteed contracts.

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Manda Jo,

I feel similarly…I do not understand why Stink fish pot states that he holds ‘no sympathy for the birthmom’… . I do not understand why he is so hostile to a woman in that position, rather than empathetic. To me this says alot about someones character if they want to be so hateful to a person who was in a very difficult and painful position. Its very judgmental and I dont do well with that type of hard core playing judge about why a woman became pregnant and all the assumptions and judgments from there. It all comes from being judgmental and stereotyping. All prejudice is born this way

One thing also is that the birthmom never tried to ‘force’ contact as I understand it,her birth son was legally an adult (18) when she tried to contact him, so he was not able to be ‘forced’…all she did was she wrote her son a letter when he was a teenager (long before anyone knew he would become famous or rich, as stink fish pot has continually said she was just ‘out for money’ but since she initiated contact when he was only 18 the money had nothing to do with it, aparently he cannot understand a birthmom may perhaps actually have deep feelings and a bond with her child, but thats an aside)

44

Astorian

hello, I am adopted as is one of my siblings.
I noticed something you said in your post seems to misrepresent a fact,…his birthmom did not ‘come out of the woodwork once he got rich and famous’…please, please, read thru the article you posted and keep to the facts. The birthmom wrote him a letter long before he was ever rich and famous. I guess if something false is repeated enough people might start to believe it.
I dont know the kid or his birth mom. But i think its only fair to stick to the facts. She is a nurse, who contacted him long before he was famous. Perhaps, is it possible that as his birthmom she has deep feelings and a bond with him?

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Astorian, you gave a few posible speculations for colin not wNnting to contact his birthmom. One of your posible reasons was false, because the birthmom tried to contact him years before he was famous, so the golddigger option is moot. There was in order to be neutral and fair, another posibility is he also may have not contacted her if the Katners have given him the impression they wouldnt want that (in the article you posted it says colin told someone he would feel treasonous for talking to her). A poster above stink fish pot assumed how adopted children may feel. The other side of the.coin is how adoptive parents may feel. My own adoptive parent told me of some insecure feelings something like a feeling of envy or competition with my birthparents. She said some of it stemmed from just the knowlesge she was my birthmom and some of it came from having to pass alot of scrutiny by social services to decide if she was approved as a parent (my adoptive parents had to have in home social evaluation and evaluations to show they were approved) and also some of how society tends to sometimes frame the blood or birthparents as having a primary bond. For example my parents were once told “oh,your not her real parents?” I heard this from time to time by kids my age who would comment when they found out I was adopted “oh,there not your real parents” . So its not unheard of for adoptive parents to have issues of insecurity towards the birthparents and sometimes even without realizing it discourage their child from talking about or contacting their birth family. So just wanted to add that as another posible option to your list you wrote on why colin may not want contact

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It’s not just the jumping through the hoops, that can cause adoptive parents to grow insecure either.

When finally someone ‘gives’ you a baby, the fulfillment of all that hoping and wishing, waiting and red tape, it’s pretty damn hard not to internalize, on some level, that someone could just as easily come and take that child away. If a child can be given, a child can be taken. Only unfit mothers need fear such a thing, for birthed children.

47

Thank you. I would like to ask Tollhouse to read this and note that you are a birth other and agree with me.

Because having sympathy for the birth mother would require me to take an emotional stance on this issue. I can only feel bad for the birth mother if I feel like she should be able to contact her child after X number of years. I don’t. I think you are confusing what I mean by sympathy, as is Tollhouse. My answers in no way impugn the birth mother, or make her a horrible person for giving up the child. These people have to make a choice. For some it is harder than for others. But once that choice is made, it is made. You must live with the consequences of that choice. Therefore, I don’t have sympathy for someone who is feeling upset about their decision X years later. It is wasted energy and emotion on someone. I do not look down on birth others who give up their children for adoption when it is in the child’s best interest. Everybody’s circumstances are their own and are different, so how could I? But once that rubicon is crossed, any feeling I have on this matter goes to the child.

So what does it say about my character? And be careful here, because you will notice at the beginning of my post a birth mother agrees with me. What kind of person does that make Sudden Kestral? There is no hate in me toward the birth mother. That would require me to care about someone beyond a superficial level. We are talking about a person I know very little if anything about other than they gave their child up for adoption. That is hardly something I would hate someone over. In fact, I applaud those women who do the right thing by their child when they know they cannot give the child a life they would want for him/her. More parents should be so bold. You cannot make negative generalizations about a person because you don’t like their opinion. Well, you CAN, but it isn’t the right way to go about learning about other sides to an issue.

Your answers and your feelings toward me tell me more about your predjudices. You would be crushed if Sudden Kestral was your birth mother because she didn’t have that “deep bond” you claim is universal. She wasn’t prostrate with grief… She got on with her life. You seem to want or need to believe that your birth mother gave you up for adoption for only altruistic reasons. Your birth mother must be a saint who made a mistake. And she must have cried herself to sells each night at the window, looking out of her house wondering whee you were or how you were doing.

Hey, you know what? Maybe she did. But maybe she didn’t. Maybe your birth mother didn’t give ou a moments thought until she reached middle age and started feeling her mortality. Maybe the story she told you is made up for your consumption, to bring her a maximum return on your emotions. (I have known my birth mother my whole life, and she still does that to me!)

Why can’t you accept for a moment that your situation is yours alone and is entirely unique to the subject at hand? You speak as if you are an expert on birth mothers feelings, and how they all live with a pain inside. A hole that cannot be filled until they find their child. You don’t know that. If your mother felt that way, I’m happy for you, because you clearly need that positive ending to your story. But others, including your own sibling, may have totally different birth mothers with different thoughts on the matter. Life rarely bundles up into a nice package that you can put a bow on. Please understand that. Also understand that although I don’t think poorly about women who give their child up for adoption, I do think that some of them hpgot pregnant and had children under less than ideal circumstances. You simply cannot ignore this fact because it makes you uncomfortable, or doesn’t make your birth mother the sympathetic person you want or need her to be.

48

Stink fish pot,

Your vitriol and judgmentalism towards women in a crisis pregnancy who go thru this decision makes me wonder if you’ve had some past painful experience with it

Your comment to manda Jo that you can only have sympathy for the birth child is downright odd…,

Yea,nthe woman makes a decision, but your comment to manda Jo that once she makes that decision you can no longer have empathy for her, really…odd. Almost like you have anger towards her for making that decision. .??

Just…odd…that’s about all I can say, you seem very judgmental about women who place their babies

49

Man alive, is that Rick Reilly ever a jerk or what?

This is what he comes up with to pester Colin Kaepernick about on Superbowl media day? I also found it incredibly distasteful that he includes the heights of the birth parents in the article, which to me implies that he thinks that Colin Kaepernick owes them something extra for giving him tall genes. Of all the potential issues you can talk about regarding adoptive families and birth families, being tall is a little trite.

50

Since there was very unfair assumptions made about the motives if the birthmom, come to think of it if I’m not mistaken, I think the article said how the Kapners only wanted to adopt if it was a boy. I gotta be honest, it always makes me wonder when parents want to adopt, but ONLY if its a boy (or a girl)…

I guess since some here presumed bad motives for the birthmom, we could also speculate on why the Kapners wanted to adopt only if it were a boy, (and one with very big tall parents…since they knew the babys parents were both over six feet tall…)
were they hoping to be the parents of a future athlete? Just saying, if its ok to speculate on the motives of the birthmom, its equally fair to speculate on the adoptive parents possible motives…they are now the parents of a rich athlete. I guess just add that to the list of all the other speculations here

51

Tollhouse
Until you accurately represent my position, I will not respond to your posts any longer. Saying I have “vitriol and judgmentalism towards women in a crisis pregnancy who go thru this decision…” is a completely false statement, and doesnt reflect at all my attitude towards birth mothers. If you refuse to read the words I type, how can anyone take your opinions seriously? And to say “makes me wonder if you’ve had some past painful experience with it” is completely bizarre. Because someone doesn’t feel like you do, automatically there has to be a reason, one that you can understand. Well, wonder away. My experiences are none of your business unless I make them your business… And since I’m not, don’t worry about it.

What is odd in this exchange is your blind belief that every birth mothers experience with adoption is “painful”, and every pregnancy that ends in adoption is a “crisis pregnancy”. You simply can’t let it go. It’s almost like you have a one-way story for how you were put up for adoption, and anything that deviates from your fantasy story is either a lie or simply wrong. I know I have a few typos, but jeez. Tell us, what is your opinion on the woman who gives a child up for adoption and doesn’t mourn? Or worse, what is your opinion of the woman who chooses abortion over adoption? These women can’t exist in your universe, can they?

52

Stink fish pot, I never said “all” birthmoms, I made that very clear above. I prefer not to engage with you, comments you made about women in a crisis pregnancy and as more than one poster noted your very.harsh inaccurate statements about the birthmom in the story, and birthmoms in gen#ral to manda JO. I cant.blame you though for not wanting to own up to being judgmental towards women in that position. Cant blame you, who would want to openly admit somthing like that? You say one thing and then the opposite. In a post above you say nobody can assume colins feelings being adopted. BUT you then turned around and tell me that since im adopted I must feel abandoned . If for no other reason,your.comments to manda JO that you will never feel sympathy for any birthmom is downright odd. I thik its common knowledge how difficult and painful it is for a mom to give her.baby for adoption, and feel some type of human compassion, but you sternly state you will never feel compassion for what those women went thru. Again,in case you dont get it still, I never said all birthmoms and I never gave you any information on my birthmom, so pls stop assuming you know anything regarding my adoption or birth family. I left that out bc I dont want you to twist it into a weapon the way you speak of other birthmoms. I mentioned I was adopted for the purpose of showing I have personal experience. But I didnt say anything about the circumstances, pls stop making guesses on how I feel about it to support your own agenda

53

Tollhouse, may I ask if you’re a man or a woman?

54

Both,…

55

I was kinda wondering that about stink fish pot but felt it would be too personal to ask, and no matter how harsh he seems towards women in that situation, it doesn’t mean he is a man, or a woman.

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Actually, the reason I ask is that sometimes it’s annoying, as a woman, to have men try and speak for how you’re supposed to feel. Sometimes it IS relevant, at least when you’re talking about gender issues, like how “most women” feel about something.

(For example, claims that most women regret having abortions)

57

Yes, agreed. If your a woman it would feel patronizing for a man to presume to know how you feel,l(isn’t that why they created those empathy pregnant belly wraps, for men to wear to see how it feels to e pregnant)?

58

What a surprise. Always want to have it both ways.

Tollhouse, you are the one with the agenda. You have made it clear since you have entered this thread that you are adopted, and that most (if not all) birth mothers have a tremendous bond with their birth children and feel tremendous guilt. Therefore, they are due our sympathy and empathy.

I have not changed my position. Whether or not the birth mother has any feelings is irrelevant to the discussion. I don’t doubt that some birth mothers have feelings, even strong feelings about giving up a child. Not for a second. But this thread started as a discussion about Rick Reilly’s column and his advice to Kaepernick. Agwin, I repeat, that 1) Reilly has no business telling Kaepernick what he should do in this most personal of situations and 2) I don’t personally care about the birth mothers feelings in this matter. It is the child thst gets any sympathy and empathy, because they did not have a choice when they were given up for adoption. So whatever felings they have on the matter… Whether they want to meet their birth parents are not, is entirely up to them… I care about the child and how they choose to deal with the situation. How the birth mother deals with the situation is entirely up to her, AS LONG AS SHE DOESN’T INTERFERE OR IN ANY WAY REACH OUT TO THE CHILD UNSOLICITED. No matter what the birth mother has gone through, real or imagined, over the course of her life stemming from the adoption process is not relevant to me. What IS relevant to me is what the child feels about the situation, what they want to do about the situation, and whether or not they want to make a connection to this birth mother (or father). If the birth mother reaches out to a child she put up for adoption before that child is ready or before the child shows any signs of wanting that sort of interaction, the birth mother shows nothing but selfishness. You can tell me she has a desire to be with her child, and her bond/grief is uncontrollable, but I say too bad. She forfeited the right for her feelings to be taken into account in this situation. The child’s feelings are what matters here. If the adopted child doesn’t want to hqve a reunion, well that’s the way it must be.

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. I don’t invalidate the birth mothers feelings. I just don’t believe they trump the feelings of the child. If the child and the birth parents have a reunion, and everyone lives happily ever after, that is perfectly fine with me. Just make damn sure the child gets to make the call to reunite, not the parent.

You DO know that adopted children have reached out to their biological parents and have not been welcomed with open arms, don’t you? That’s why it is so important for the child to make the call. Ultimately, it must be them who decides if they ae ready for the emotional events that will be happening once they initiate any reunion.

I don’t understand how you don’t see this. You keep talking about feelings of the birth mother like they override everything else. I disagree.

And I agree with you about not knowing what you feel. Like you have about me, I’ve made assumptions about you based on your answers here. The difference is, I am adult enough to know that I don’t know your feelings at all about your personal situation and can admit it. You can’t seem to do the same. You say you have been adopted, but I don’t know that to be true. I have no idea that anything you’ve written is real or imagined. I don’t even know if you even HAVE a personal situation.

So for the sale of this thread, let’s get back to the OP. And just the OP. If you feel that an outsider has a right to tell an adopted child that he should reach out to his birth mother, say so. I say he doesn’t have that right.

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I do want to point out that IMO Stink Fish Pot has not expressed hatred or “vitriol” toward birthmothers in general. He made a comment about a particular birthmother that was possibly a little hasty, was fairly gently (IMO :)) nudged about that comment, and admitted that perhaps his comment was out of line. I certainly haven’t gotten any impression that he dislikes birthmothers in general, only that he thinks the adoptees deserve primary consideration. I agree with him.

As far as astorian’s OP, I think we’re all pretty much in agreement that Rick Reilly’s opinion is completely irrelevant.

60

[quote=“Stink Fish Pot, post:47, topic:649780”]

Maybe the story she told you is made up for your consumption, to bring her a maximum return on your emotions. (I have known my birth mother my whole life, and she still does that to me.)

You know I think this goes a long way to explaining why you’re being so judgemental and coming across as lacking empathy. You’re accusation that Tollhouse is projecting seems like the pot calling the kettle black. I see no evidence that he/she is doing so, while your posts scream it.

You seem intent on tilting at windmills here, as not a single poster claimed ‘all birthmothers’ must feel a deep bond, or be crippled with regret, or all woman must regret their abortions. You seem intent on turning this thread into a platform to insist on your interpretation of what’s permissible in the birthmother/birth child relationship. And it would seem to be little more than a reflection/reaction/justification for the nature of your own relationship with your birth parent. All the while maintaining you’re not judging or lacking empathy. You just seem much more to have an agenda you’re heavily invested in than any other poster in this thread. While levelling an accusation of such at anyone who may disagree with you!

Exactly how did we reach the need for you to delineate which birthmothers you have empathy for and which not? Not that you’re being judgmental, of course!:dubious: