Rock critic, my ass!

The BBQ Pit
1

I was reading the “Axl Rose” thread in Cafe Society, and it had a link to the NY Post. There was a blurb about some random rock critic’s page. I like reading stuff like that, so I decided to check it out. The address is www.rockandrollbadboy.com. Apparently this Brett Meisner claims to be a rock critic with 27 years of experience and has ‘written’ for Rolling Stone.

Now, I know that people can put whatever bullshit they want to on a webpage. But once I got to this webpage, the steam just started pouring out of my ears.

I take music very seriously. I spend more money each year on concerts and music than anyone else I know. And I don’t take kindly to not-so-subtle hate messages woven into something that is supposed to resemble a review.

So, I jotted this guy a short email. Here it is, in its entirety.

To: brettmeisner@hotmail.com
From : Skerri

I was unfortunately led to your page from a blurb in the NY Post. I usually enjoy reading critical reviews of bands and albums, even if it’s not written about something I would listen to.

Your webpage is just a glaring reason of why people hate rock critics. There is no information on your webpage. Your supposed “review” about the Grateful Dead is just one long diatribe on hippy-bashing. Basically, your whole website is a glorious memorial to yourself, with dashes of your encounters with famous people. And ten bucks says most of those people wouldn’t remember your name if you paid them.

Your “Probably the same guy who turned 15,000 knuckle draggers into the “Million Man March”?” comment on your “10 Undeniable THRUTHS” page isn’t going to garner fans. I thought you were supposed to be a rock critic, not some jackass spouting hate speech. Oh, and get a fucking spell-checking program. For someone who supposedly writes for a living, you sure are a fucking moron.

Oh, and by the way, dipshit, if you’re going to quote a band’s lyrics, you might want to get them correct. Cut directly from your ‘trivia’ page - “When The Lights Go Down In The City, And The Sun Shines On All Day.” - Journey. IT’S “AND THE SUN SHINES ON THE BAY”. Here is a copy of the lyrics, since you obviously don’t know how to check your sources. Rock Lyrics: Journey: Infinity lyrics

Christ. Oh, and the ‘newsblurb’ about Rob Halford being gay? What decade do you live in? Rob Halford came out of the closet years ago. Here is a link to an interview done in 2000, with Rob speaking about his relief at coming out.
http://www.queertheory.com/histories/h/halford_rob.htm
Here is another article from 1998 when he first made his preference known.

Wow. Looks like that was 4 and a half years ago. And you just updated your website on August 21, 2002?

Why don’t you go back to working at Burger King, and leave rock and roll to people who actually pay attention to what they’re doing? There are plenty of critics out there that love music and have valid reviews of actual music, whereas you seem only to be concerned with who you’ve met, and what you’ve done. No one give a shit, buddy.

Skerri
A fan of music, but no fan of yours.

The last paragraph is weak, (thanks, pbr) but I threw this together in about 15 minutes. I probably shouldn’t be so pissed off at someone like this, but it really annoys me. In fact, I should know better than to get pissed off at what someone writes on a webpage, but this guy got under my skin. Will someone please invent a way to bitchslap someone in an email?

2

Frank Zappa once described rock journalists as “people who can’t write, interviewing people who can’t talk for the benefit of people who can’t read.” Dogpile on!

3

Also, looks like he’s stealing his riders off The Smoking Gun website. Same backgrounds and all.

4

What a load of narcissistic wankage. In my books, anybody who refers to themselves in the third person automatically blows all credibility. His “Hard Truths” section reeks of a desperation to be controversial. The fact that he seems to think dissing Peter Frampton will ruffle feathers is just pathetic. I do agree with him about Napster, though.

For a welcome antidote, check out The War Against Silence. Hodge thinks Glenn McDonald’s writing is intelligent, witty, and literate pop music criticism. Everything Brett Meisner’s isn’t.

5

I understand your reaction to the ol’ Bad Boy, Skerri, but I assure you, he’s not worth your effort. Anything you write to him will only make him feel good. He’ll twist it into praise, or at least convince himself that you’re jealous of his successes and hate him for being so beautiful.

Ignore him. Eventually he’ll die, deluded and unloved.

6

Oh, andros, I know. This was the first time I’ve ever seen a webpage and just felt absolutely compelled to write a letter about it. I sent a copy of the letter to pbrtallboy, who said I was going to end up in some computer-fueled whirlwind romance with this jackass. I replied by saying oh yes, I wanted to have 10,000 of his babies. :wink:

I liked the part where he said basically Cameron Crowe ripped off everything he’s ever said. I’m sure Mr. Crowe was so desperate to make “Almost Famous” that he had to resort to scamming some idiot on the web.

Thanks for the link, Hodge. I, I mean Skerri thinks it will be a good addition to her collection. :smiley:

7

Good for you, Skerri.

I, for one, am leary of any so-called music critic that labels rap as a ‘passing fad’ as Mr. Meisner has seen fit to do. I love how he erroneously states rap is now called hip hop. Wrong. Hip hop encompasses rap as well as other sub-genres. And Rick Rubin no more started rap than Berry Gordy started R&B. Founding (or in Rubin’s case, co-founding) Def Jam records does not equate starting rap.

Stating your (tired and aging) opinion does not constitute ‘undeniable truth’, sir. Rap is no more a passing fad than alternative rock is.

Here’s his

[quote]
(http://www.rockandrollbadboy.com./thetruth.html), by the way, on rap. Note the racist undertones.

8

I can’t stand rap myself, but let’s face it- the Sugar Hill Gang scored the first rap hit in, what, 1979? That was 23 years ago. Kind of a long time for a “fad” to hang around.

Was anybody still calling rock and roll a fad in 1979, 23 years after Elvis made it a sensation? THAT’S about how ridiculous it is to suggest that rap is a fad.

9

Oh, the bitter, bitter irony.

10

From the page JuanitaTech quoted:

His “10 UNDENIABLE THRUTHS[sic]”

1.MUSIC DOES NOT SOUND BETTER ON POT
2.RAP MUSIC IS A PASSING FAD
3.HANK WILLIAMS AND JOHNNY CASH WERE NOT COOL
4.THE CIA KILLED JIMI HENDRIX, JANIS JOPLIN AND JIM MORRISON
5.STEELY DAN IS THE BEST RECORDED BAND IN MUSIC HISTORY
6.TECHNICALLY, PETER FRAMPTON WAS NEVER FAMOUS
7.MTV RUINED ROCK MUSIC
8.WOODSTOCK WAS A FARCE
9.NAPSTER SAVED THE MUSIC INDUSTRY

:smack: The boy can’t count or spell.

11

Was Peter Frampton really in a coma for a year? I can’t find a cite.

His “10 Most Influential Bands”:

  1. KISS
  2. The Knack
  3. The Ramones
  4. Cold Play
  5. The Strokes
  6. Poison
  7. Van Halen (w/o David Lee Roth)
  8. Emerson, Lake & Plamer (!!!)
  9. Todd Rundgren
  10. (none listed)

As a lifelong ELP fan, I am truly and deeply offended.

12

Poison influenced somebody???

13

Thanks for the link, Skerri, this guy’s great. Reading through his biography, I’m almost positive the whole thing’s a put on, as it seems like an article from The Onion - Sample:

This stuff is comedy gold!

Of course, just because it’s funny doesn’t mean he’s not an asshole, but I’m certainly enjoying it all.

The Rob Halford “rumor” is another tip off - not only did Rob come out in the late nineties, it had been something of an open secret since at least the late seventies - the way it’s written here is more like how some meathead fan might have responded to hearing about it.

14

UUuuuuggghhhhh…

I read the OP and thought, “Man, Skerri woke up on the wrong side of the futon this morning, har har!”

I did not go visit the site; instead I kept reading the thread. And the few short quotes I saw were more than enough to infuriate me. The Strokes as the 5th most influential band in history, and no mention of the Beatles. Right.

And didn’t DJ Kool Herc start rap music? Frankly, I know nothing about this, but a good buddy of mine is a music critic at our local weekly, and he said once that a guy named DJ Kool Herc from Jamaica founded rap music. Well, actually he used “DJ Kool Herc” as his screen name at the bowling alley and I asked him what it meant.

Anyway, I went and visited the site after all, thinking, “OK, just maybe this is actually a satirical site and he’s not serious.”

He’s serious.

He’s got to be. For one thing, if he’s trying to satirize, he’s satirizing something that’s been done to death already, and for another, people cognizant enough to write satire are sharp enough to punctuate. Example: His slogan, up at the top of the home page. “We have seen the future of Rock and Roll, and it’s name is Brett Meisner! - Brett Meisner, 2002”

The dude couldn’t get one sentence out–one IMPORTANT sentence–without a punctuation error? I wouldn’t take this guy’s advice on what to eat at McDonald’s. I must admit, this burns me up to a really irrational degree.

15

Wow, I just read more of his crap, and I’m really beginning to think it’s just badly written parody. I’m kind of hoping it is, for Brett’s sake. If it were real, he’d have to be such a delusionally self-absorbed moron that I’d actually feel sorry for the putz.

And KGS: not only that, but “Keith, Greg and Larry”?

On further review of his site… fuck it. The guy’s a grade-A asswart who probably spends his days listening to KISS and Rush Limbaugh in his mother’s basement. His “Hollywood Diary” gives a pretty clear insight into what sort of loser we’re dealing with.

Skerri, I have to wonder what on Earth made you take this assclown seriously enough to write to. He’s not worth the time of someone like you.

16

Well, you can kick me in the ass now, because after reading everything on the site, I feel like a :wally for wondering whether it’s satire or not. I wouldn’t pick him up on crap like his punctuation - it’s all part of the act.

A couple of years ago, I took a webpage seriously and got roasted here for not seeing the satire, but this isn’t even offensive - just absurd. I’m still laughing about that bit about the Ramones “show(ing) that four working-class Irish-Americans had a message to deliver”.

Sure he’s not as funny as Lester Bangs or Meltzer (who he’s obviously ripping off), but in this world, you gotta take your chucks where ya can.

17

The site is definitely a parody. It’s not very funny, but it can’t possibly be serious.
Look at this from his DIRTY SECRETS AND ROCK REVELATIONS! section:

That’s enough, I can’t take anymore.

It’s a put on, the guy is pretending to be the dumbass in the back row of shop class who thinks he’s cool.

There is no way this can be anything but a put on.

18

I’m not sure, but grendel72 has me nearly persuaded that this is satire. I certainly HOPE it’s satire. Please, can we pretend it’s satire, so I can sleep?

19

I guarantee that it’s satire, and the other pages that link to it present it as humor. There are tons of clues in there (his story about hearing of Dee Dee Ramone’s death being a biggy, if you know something about the histories of these people). Take it from me - it’s a joke, and as humor, it’s a strictly strokes for folks proposition. And as for me, it might be the Turbonegro records I’ve been listening to, but I leeerve it.

20

Of course it’s satire. The kid writes: “JOHNNY CASH WAS NEVER COOL”. How can you pretend to be serious about music, and maintain you really mean that about Cash at the same time?

Dead giveaway.