http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/tv_and_radio/3675396.stm
“So I hop in a cab and tell the cabbie, take me where I can find a hot female, and he takes me to my house.”
“I wanna tell ya, I get no respect. Just the other day I told my wife I wanted sex. She left the room to give me privacy.”
“I went to the dentist the other day. I told him, ‘Doc, my teeth are yellow.’ He told me to wear a brown tie.”
“My sex life. You kiddin’? My sex life’s like shootin’ pool with a rope.”
The other night outside my house, I saw a guy jogging naked. I asked him how come. He said “BECAUSE YOU CAME HOME EARLY!”
I got mad. I asked this guy, who told you you could screw around with my wife? He said, “Everybody!”
I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.”
One of them said, “So will you.”
I went to see the doctor last week. He told me I was fat.
I told the doctor I wanted a second opinion.
He said “you’re ugly, too.”
I am showing my age, but-- my favorite memory of Rodney Dangerfield.
He was on the Tonight Show [the real Tonight Show, with Johnny Carson] back in 1980, on the night right after the famous Miracle on Ice victory of the U.S. Ice Hockey team over the Soviet Union.
Rodney did his five minutes of stand-up, then sat on the couch and did another 10 minutes there. He absolutely killed that evening.
And I don’t have him in the Celebrity Deathpool, either. Oh well, Rodney Dangerfield will be missed.
“My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.”
“My wife and I were happy for twenty. Then we met!”
“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
“My wife’s such a lousy cook, the flies all chipped in to fix the hole in the screen door.”
One of the worst of the many bad things about Oliver Stone’s “Natural Born Killers” was casting Rodney as the incestuous dad. Sorry, but I can’t accept Rodney in an unsympathetic role.
And several years ago when Roddy McDowell died and everyone was offering tributes (cue Entertainment Tonight’s poignant piano music), all I could think was “that was the asshole who blackballed Rodney Dangerfield out of the Screen Actor’s Guild.”
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now we never see each other.
The other day I went to the dentist to get a tooth replaced. I told him I wanted a tooth just like my other teeth. He gave me a tooth with four cavities.
Yesterday I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
My daughter, she’s no prize either. In public school she was voted Most Likely to Conceive.
I went to a bar, and told the bartender “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
When I was a kid, my uncle’s last dying wish was to have me sit in his lap. He was in the electric chair!
My father never liked me either- he carried around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet!
My parents never liked me. For my birthday, they gave me a quicksandbox.
If you buy a hat like this you must get a free bowl of soup. Oh, but it looks nice on you.
I went to this restaurant the other night and ordered steak. The waitress came by and asked me how I liked it. I told her I lost my appetite once I realized that the “grill marks” were left over from when the jockey had whipped the horse!
Rodney introduced many of today’s comedy stars to television for the first time on his HBO shows which emanated from Dangerfield’s, such as Tim Allen, Roseanne Barr, Jim Carrey, Jeff Foxworthy, Sam Kinison, Bob Saget, Jerry Seinfeld, Rita Rudner, Robert Townsend, Louie Anderson and others.
“I told my doctor I had water on my knee. He gave me a sponge and raised his fee.”
Can you expand on that, Slithy? I never heard that story. I never liked that Roddy McDowell. He had the wee beady eye.
My two favorite things in life are sex and steak. And I have them the same way- VERY rare!