“I know she does a lot of charity work. She handles all of the policemen’s balls.”
Don’t forget his role as Larry, Mr. Burns’s son on “The Simpsons”.
“He’s the richest guy I know. He’s so rich he has a walk-in mailbox.”
“If it gets any livlier in here, a funeral might break out.”
“I call my daughter Fed-Ex. Whenever she goes out with a boy she absolutely positively has to be there overnight.”
“I live in a rough neighborhood. I asked a cop how long it took to walk to the subway and he said, ‘I don’t know…nobody ever made it.’”
“He was a fair man. He had two sons. He put one through medical school. he put the other through a wall.”
My wife and I agreed not to smoke except after sex. I haven’t had a cigarette since 1975. She’s up to 2 packs a day.
My old man. . .he wasn’t too bright. He worked in a bank for 20 years and got fired for stealing pens.
I saw Rodney on the Bob Costas HBO show last season. Was he OUT OF IT. Bob kept trying to set him up for jokes and he had no idea where he was.
Bob: Rodney. . .have you seen your doctor lately?
Rodney: What? My doctor. I don’t think so. Should I have?
Bob: Doctor Vinny Boombatz. . .
Rodney: Oh yea. Doctor Vinny Boombatz. . .
It was pretty sad.
"I went to the doctor the other day and said, “Doc, I get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and I want to throw up. What’s wrong with me?” The Doc said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight’s perfect!”
“My wife’s cut our sex down to once a month. But that’s OK - I know two or three guys she’s cut out all together!”
“I got lost at the beach once when I was a kid. I asked the lifeguard, ‘Do you think we’ll find my parents?’ He said, ‘I don’t know, kid. There are just so many places where they can hide!’”
NO respect, I tell ya!
I’ve got him in the death pool. Will I go to hell for feeling a twinge of disappointment when I clicked on the link?
You should have cashed in a while ago. I heard he called suicide prevention. . .and they put him on hold.
Good old Rodney. My favorite line:
My wife told me she wanted to have sex in the back seat of the car. And she wanted me to drive!
No respect, I tell ya, I don’t get no respect!
Rodney’s ‘About’ page features a large obit. It quotes Teller! The guy who doesn’t talk! I’d say that’s getting respect…
My old man took me out hunting…and gave me a two-minute head start!
The other day I had sex with a Chinese chick. An hour later I was horny again.
I could swear I made up that joke myself, but years later someone told me it was Rodney’s. Perhaps I retained it sub-consciously. Does anyone here remember him saying that?
Huh. Well shit, I am quite sure I made that joke up myself as well. Weird.
Anyway, I gotta tell ya, my father, he didn’t like me either. When I was a kid he used to tell me to go out in the yard and play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself!
An audience member once asked him, “How did you get started?” He replied, “I was twelve years old, alone in my room!”
“I went to see my proctologist, and he stuck his thumb in my mouth!”
My wife likes for me to talk to her during sex. Last week she called me from her hotel room.
My favorite:
“I get no respect. When I was a kid a girl I had a crush on called me up and said, ‘Come on over, there’s no one home!’. I went over, and there was no one home!”
Hey Whitey! Where’s your hat?!?!
He called me a baboon, he thinks I’m his wife.
…but it’s not really fair to hold that against him.
Hey Smails! Where’s that money you own me?
I used to have a tape of his, and this is probably one of the worst/funniest jokes ever. . .
“Yeah, I get a lot of women because of who I am. . .a rapist.”