Rogue family member. Help? (longish)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I really need advice on this family problem, and I would like to hear other’s opinions about what should be done. (My apologies if this in the wrong forum, I was a bit unsure if this was IMHO or MPSIMS material).

Yesterday, my uncle (who I am very close to) got a call from his 18 year old daughter saying that she is essentially homeless, that she has been put in a hotel for a few days by the Salvation Army, and that would he please come get her. Keep in mind we are in Georgia, so this is not an easy feat, and with her history of lies we have no way of knowing if this is true.

Some back-story: The uncle and his wife divorced almost 17 years ago. She immediately moved to Arizona leaving my cousin with her father. The daughter was raised here until her mother decided she wanted her back, so around high school age, my cousin moved to be with her. However, she still visited with my Uncle for the summers/holidays, etc.

When my cousin lived with my Uncle, she was been deceitful, cruel, and has done a lot of damage (ranging from illegal activities to actual property damage) costing my Uncle thousands of dollars. She has an irrational hatred of our side of the family which we suspect stems from her mother.

Two years ago, she broke all contact with the family on this side of the country. All our attempts to contact her resulted in nothing, until we eventually got in contact with her step-father who said she went to an art college in CA and gave us her forwarding address. We tried it and never received an answer.

Back to the phone call. She said she dropped out of college in the middle of her first semester and has basically just been wandering around California since then. Her mother and the mother’s side of the family finally refused to finance her little escapade any longer and are refusing to talk to her, so the cousin is SOL.

I am having dinner with my Uncle tomorrow because he wants my opinion. He is completely torn and doesn’t know what to do. He knows that the girl is a monster, but he still loves her because she’s his daughter. He has a vacation this week, and he is pondering driving to CA to get her.

A big problem is that after she refused contact with him, he moved to a very, very rural part of south Georgia. The nearest neighbor is literally a mile away, the nearest real city close to 40 minutes. He lives in the middle of his acreage, so there is nothing for this girl to do if she lives with him but wander around the woods. She doesn’t have a car, so she can’t drive to get a job if she did manage to find one around. My Uncle works rotating 12 hour shifts every day at his job. He can’t be home to watch her at.

I don’t know what to tell him. We both know she’ll get bored and probably even more destructive than she was before, and he doesn’t exactly have the money to let her loaf around doing nothing. Is there anyway this can end okay if she comes to live with him? I hate saying to him that “You’ve done all you can for this girl, she needs to live with the consequences to her actions” but I really think that might be the only way. I don’t, however, want to alienate my Uncle. I love him and want to support him, but I don’t want to see him screw up his life for this girl.

Any advice, please?

2

Well, your choices stink.

You can give him crappy advice – “Sure thing, unc, go get her, follow your heart,” or you can tell him the truth – “Unc, you’d be nuts to do this. She’ll prolly do worse this time than last time,” and risk alienating him.

Me, I’d risk alienating him. But then, it’s as dangerous to be right as it is to be wrong, really.

3

First of all, she’s not a monster. She’s a young girl who’s had experiences in her life that you may know nothing about. Obviously, she’s troubled and is asking her family for help. She may have waited until she’s hit the very bottom, but she’s come.
Being the black sheep of my family for years, I know firsthand of this situation. I had a rotten childhood, and as an adult I’ve had more than my share of troubles. I’ve gotten through those troubles largely on my own, and it made it way more difficult to be alone. This girl may have done some horrible things, but I can empathize with her to a degree. And at 18, she’s WAY TOO YOUNG to have her own family abandon her and expect her to deal with life, not to mention life homeless and broke, by herself. At 18, she’s got vast potential to learn, turn her life around, and live a decent, appropriate life. She’s a baby, for God’s sake.
I’ve come to learn that family is something you never give up on. There are extreme cases where you must cut a family member totally out of your life, I have done that, but this doesn’t seem that extreme, yet.
I wouldn’t recommend she go to live with her father, except maybe as a stopgap measure to keep her from being homeless. As you said, it’s out in BFE and there’d be nothing for her to do. Maybe another family member, that lives in a good-sized city where there are opportunites for her, would be willing to make some kind of contract with her, where she could go back to school or work and make a contribution to the household. If I was your uncle I would bring her home and then try my hardest to figure something out. But give her a timeline to begin once you have the details figured out- if she hasn’t become productive or she’s messed up really bad in a certain unit of time (2-3months?) then she’ll have to go her own way.
I just really want to stress that at her age, giving up on her would be cruel, and probably really do a lot of damage to her potential AND her own concepts of family, self-esteem, and love.
Gosh, I hope it works out well.

4

Thanks for the input trublmakr and Master Wang-Ka.

I realized after I sent it that she is still very young, that anything can happen, and that I probably sounded really cruel (I guess that when I first got the news I was a bit overwhelmed and let my emotions get the best of me). I don’t like the girl, but obviously it isn’t my choice, and I think you gave some very good suggestions trublemakr. I seriously doubt he’s going to just let her stay there in CA. Unfortunately, most of our family does live in rural areas, but it would be nice if we could find a friend that would look over her if she wanted to get on the right track. I guess we just have to find out if she is serious about leaving her harmful actions behind, or at least making an attempt to help herself if others support her. I’ll bring up your points when I meet him tomorrow.

Thank you for bringing me back to earth and the well-wishes… I hope everything works out too.

5

A horrible situation. I wonder if he should take her to an army or navy recruiting office?

6

Not at this point in time. :dubious:

She’s family. Period.

Unca Cecil sat that not even Eskimos abandon their relatives on the ice anymore, why should your Uncle, when the girl is on the rocks?

7

So your uncle loves his daughter, but her living with him, even if she would agree to do so, is not going to work out for either of them.

**Trublmaker ** recommended the family would find a friend your cousin could board with. I think that’s a good suggestion. Maybe there are even some institutions that offer housing with some form of guidance? In Holland, we have a thing called “begeleid kamerwonen” (“living on your own with guidance”). It is especially meant for troubled youths like your cousin. Maybe a social worker would know an USA equivalent?

Letting her go to find her own way is a risk. It might be good for her. She might run into some people that care for her and that she’ll listen to. On the other hand, she could run into people that might drag her down, get her pregnant etc.

Good luck.

8

What a tough situation.

I’d advise your Uncle to get her. Frankly, it may be a good thing that he’s pulling her across the country, as it’s likely that the environment she’s found and/or created for herself in CA is rotten, and there’s value in a fresh-start.

I think your Uncle should have a plan, and have a serious talk with her before he goes and gets her. He should tell her that he’ll come and get her, and she can live with him under some conditions. What those conditions are, he’ll have to decide, but they should include some mandatory responsibility for some mandatory time-period. For example, perhaps she needs to live with him for at least one year, during which she’ll have a job or be in school, or such.

The rural-setting is a serious challenge. Is this on a farm? I.e. can he put her to work while she’s living there? Could he drive her to school or work on the way to his job? Would he consider moving for her benefit?

What a rough situation.

9

You uncle could wire her the money for a bus ticket plus enough to buy food on during the trip.
If she shows up, it would appear she is serious about getting help. If she doesn’t then she isn’t.

10

Thank you everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it.

qts, I know she was in ROTC in her early high school years, so that might be an option later. But I don’t know if it would be wise to ship her off to the military so soon, if she would even want her to go, and if they would take her (she’s got a bad police record, drugs and a stolen car, and I’m not sure about their policies).

Maastricht, I don’t know if we have guidance housing like that around here, but I will defitinely tell him about that and look into it. It seems like that could be a good solution - definitely better than her living out in the middle of nowhere.

Bill H., No, he doesn’t live on a farm. He just lives in the middle of 20 or so acres, all of which are wooded except his house plot. He commutes every day for work, so it would possible for him to drive her to a job, except that his work hours change every week. Sometimes he works mornings, sometimes nights, etc. It constantly changes, and at 12 hours shifts, I can’t see him leaving her in one place for that long and any good resulting.

Rick, that’s a thought, I’ll run it by him. Thanks for your suggestion.

11

Your uncle might want to call the Salvation Army in California to verify her account and see if she have ommitted any significant details. According to the Greyhound website, if he buys her a ticket, she can’t cash it in - only the purchaser can. Also “The purchaser may also send a cash advance with the ticket. An amount up to one-half of the ticket price may be sent, up to a maximum of $50.”

12

Sounds like an intervention to me. An intervention is not an all-bad thing.

As quick as the people on these boards are to tell people to see a professional about legal or medical problems, I’m surprised that nobody has come out and said it, but I think that you and your uncle need to see a counselor about his, her and your situation (it sounds like you will be involved on some level.)

Your cousin is not a monster, but it sounds like she could use some guidance. IMHO, your uncle needs to assess his situation and try to work out some sort of a contract or set of house rules that will help guide him and his daughter towards respecting each other’s rights, will keep everyone’s best interests in mind and will help your cousin get a good restart on her life. Were it me, I would get started on this before she comes home, with her knowledge and to some extent her input. Actually, I would do whatever it takes to have the rules in place before she sets foot inside the house.

Given her history of drug abuse, my first thought is that regular attendance in AA, NA or (perhaps) some other generally accepted recovery program should be a condition for her staying at your uncles, but I don’t know any of you. If I may be blunt (according to some, I excel at this), I think that your uncle may need to exhibit a lot of moral and/or emotional strength during this time. Al-anon might be a good resource for him.

Also, I believe that Maastricht’s “begeleid kamerwonen” translates into English as halfway house. Depending on how things work, it may also be an option.

13

Please do not give up on this child. And don’t encourage the father to give up. As long as she is asking for help and understands that certain things will be expected of her in return, then keep the door open. This is not only for her sake but for her father’s also.

Ultimately, the decision must be the father’s however. He must also take responsibility. Getting your input is one thing. Putting the decision in your hands is something else.

You might be able to help by introducing her to some friends her own age.

But living in a secluded wooded area for a while may not be quite the curse that some make it out to be. Make her a gift of a cookbook and a book on gardening. Some good fiction and just the right self help book might not hurt either. Maybe a kitten to look after would be good.

Be kind to her and listen to her. Encourage her Dad to be loving and fair-minded but firm. Talk it all out. Write it all out so that everyone understands what is expected.

14

Personally, I think at 18, she should be able to say what she thinks she should be responsible for and pursue it. I’m not saying she might not need some help, but she’s not an 8 year old. So she wants to be bailed out - What does she expect to give for the help she wants? After her past behaviour she needs to understand that she’s responsible for her future, not anyone else. If your uncle can afford it, he should help her get an apartment. Getting a job and paying for it, as well as the rest of her life, is up to her. It’s time for her to grow up. It happens to us all, and it’s time for your cousin to take responsibility for her own life.

StG