“Trying too hard” seems like the biggest mistake. When ‘nice guys’ are complaining about 'assholes" women are attracted to, they are really seeing guys that arent tripping over themselves to impress a lady. I noticed when we try too hard, it comes off as desperate, creepy and insincere.
Good for you. It took my husband and I years to get to that point.
Glad you guys were able to make it work. If my “crazy ex” had been willing to go to therapy with me and work on how we approached the relationship, I would have done so.
I suppose the way I phrased the way that “most women I’ve dated are cutters” makes things sound more (melo)dramatic than they are in my dating life. I’ve been dating/in relationships for 20 years, and perhaps 9-10 years of those have been spent in the four long term semi-serious/serious relationships, which were mostly positive and healthy. Leaving 10-11 years of random dates.
And they have been utterly random; blind dates set up by friends, professorial types from OKCupid, fellow students, coworkers, customers from work, women I’ve met dancing, fellow posters on message boards. All income levels, all education levels, a lot of subcultures, a lot of “normal” cultures. None has lasted beyond three dates (if we’re clicking after the third date, it’s become one of the above-mentioned long-term relationships). So I’m not getting sucked into a savior complex; in fact, one of the main red flags that makes me end things is feeling like I’m being manipulated, which I consider a lot of this cutting talk to be. I’d rather be single than a knight.
I’m just baffled at how ubiquitous cutting is in this group of random dates, and why it comes up in conversation so early. I’d expect it in some of the subcultures or age groups (really, I wasn’t surprised when the MFA grad student told me), or if they seem to be attention-seeking in other ways, but having a 40-ish library science PhD blurt it out of nowhere is bizarre… as is a 30ish engineer laughing about cutting herself while at work, or the “i miss u” text from a girl with whom I’ve had a single date over coffee. Is it a misguided attempt to subtly say “I may be a strong woman in many ways, but here’s this soft, vulnerable side”?
I guess I’m easy. Be reasonably attractive and interested in me and your romancing technique will work. At least for a while.
We have a WINNER!
Popular media has portrayed men trying really hard to impress women, and women loving it. Even if she resists at first, if he persists, then eventually he’ll win her over. In real life, though, this behavior does indeed seem desperate, creepy and insincere. In extreme cases, it’s stalker behavior.
As a very young girl, it was flattering to think that a boy was so obsessed with me that he’d do ANYTHING to be with me. When I got just a tad older, I realized that most of those obsessive boys didn’t have anything to offer, other than their obsession.
The assumptions that:
•I expect men to pay for everything. Odds are, I make more money than my date. I don’t expect my dates to pick up the check every single meal. In fact, I feel really guilty if that happens because I usually make more than the guys I date, so I could afford that pricey appetizer and froo-froo drink. I don’t want my date to have to subsist on ramen noodles for the rest of the month because they thought I would be impressed by their Strong He-Man Provider skills. I am now turned off by your indulgent, but poor budgeting skills.
•I hate it when men want to fix stuff or take care of problems that I can handle on my own. “Oh, let me come over and fix that leaky faucet for you.” Dude, I am not looking for a honey-do. If I can’t fix it myself, I’ll call a plumber, which I can afford. I am very much turned off by men offering to do manly stuff for me. I open my own jars and kill my own spiders (or relocate them to a more appropriate habitat that isn’t inside my habitat).
So flashing your money around and/or flashing your handyman skills around me are likely to backfire on you. What will impress me is if you actually do what you’ll say you’re going to do. I don’t need a meal ticket and I don’t need a honey-do, but I do need a good friend I can depend on. Be that guy and you’re golden. But respect my independence and don’t start coming around on Saturday mornings to mow my lawn and wash my car. I’ve got that stuff under control, thankyouverymuch. I see a lot of women who seem to really like that crap, but it’s an instant turn off for me. I can totally understand why guys seem to have the default assumption that all women want you to A) pay for everything and B) kill spiders and fix stuff for you.
Do young people do no research these days? You’re supposed to stand outside her house in the rain, holding your boombox over your head! Sheesh.
See previous post with movie reference. 
Can you send them around to my house? 
Weird.
I had a woman do a simillar thing. We had met once and talked a few times on the phone when one day at work I got a message on my phone with a photo attached.
At first I was puzzelled as to why she would send me a blurry, poorly lit picture of what I thought was roadkill. All pinkish & brownish with odd shadows everywhere. 
The next message gave me enough context to figure out what I was looking at. I think she had been lying on her bed, on her back, and just reached down & took a picture of her girly bits with the camera on her phone before it had focused properly and then just sent if without looking at it.
So I got an inverted, dark, out-of-focus, extreme close-up of a vagina from a woman I barely knew. :eek: That was the end of that little experiment (a perfect pic would have accomplished the same - somethings I’d rather discover for my self).
Blechhhh! :mad: +1
Oh yeah. I have no idea why women keep taking pictures of themselves with Duck Face - they look so stupid!
A lot of the time when I see this, it is done with a bit of an attitude mixed in, like, “What are you doing thinking you can get with This??”
So they’ve got everything; ugliness, delusion, arrogance…everything!