(Roommate drama) Was I a selfish asshole or was this justifiable?

In My Humble Opinion
1

TL;DR: I intervened in my roommate’s love life and told her BF not to come over anymore because I thought he treated her like crap, and I didn’t want to see that happening in my own space. That’s more drama than I can handle at home. Was that wrong to do?

Long version: [spoiler]I’ve been friends with my roommate, let’s call her Jane, for about 5-6 years. We started living together a month ago (completely platonic). We’ve always been open with each other and talked about relationships a lot. She had been seeing this guy, let’s call him Bob, for a couple of years, on and off, but he kept dumping her and ignoring her for weeks or months and then suddenly reappearing in her life. Each time this happened, she would end up in tears and think that she deserves better, but of course each time she’d let him back into her life and the cycle starts all over. It seemed emotionally abusive, or at least criminally negligent of her well-being, to me.

Each time this happened, she would come to me to discuss it. The first couple of times, I was supportive and encouraged them to work it out. The third time, she was miserable and had to crash on my couch (before she moved in) and I started to have doubts about whether it was worth it. The fourth time lasted longer than the others and she was quite thoroughly devastated and it seemed really unhealthy. She finally broke up, left their shared apartment and moved in with me (because I happened to have a room open). She seemed a lot happier without him, freer and more light-hearted. And after so many times, I figured it was good riddance to him at last and was happy when she started seeing other guys.

But lately she’s been quite moody and sad again, and of course I find out that Bob had reentered the picture. I casually bring up the topic and she snaps at me, telling me not to comment on her relationships – despite having talked to me about him for hours upon hours in the past. I told her that was unfair because she’s already dragged me into it. She goes shhh, he’s downstairs, and gives me a dirty look and walks away, telling me not to tell her how to live her life.

I think to myself, fine, she’s an adult and I can’t stop her from living a self-destructive pattern if that’s what she wants, but I don’t have to be a part of it and bear witness to that drama in my own home, my only sanctuary. I go downstairs, confront the guy – civilly but firmly – saying “Bob, it’s nothing personal, but I don’t want to see you here anymore. You’ve hurt her too many times and you’re no longer welcome here.”

At that she loses it, storms out, says our friendship is over and she’s moving out. The guy, to his credit, stays for a few minutes to try to clear things up, but we agree there’s too much to talk about right then and there and the conversation would have to be continued later, if they both wanted to.[/spoiler]

So…

From her perspective, I had overstepped my bounds as her friend and roomie.

From my perspective, I was standing up for my friend who couldn’t take care of herself, and standing up for myself in not wanting to see that kind of abuse continue in my house.

Was that an unreasonable thing to do? Could I have handled it better?

2

It’s your place, you have a right to make the rules, including the guest list.

3

I very likely would have done the same.

4
  1. Not your relationship, you don’t get to make those decisions.
  2. She’s a roommate, meaning she’s allowed to have anyone over whether you approve or not. (Obviously within certain boundaries like they’re not smoking or setting up cameras in your shower or something).
  3. You knew she had this on again/off again relationship before you moved in together. That’s when you should have had the discussion that you don’t want Mr X over.
  4. You fucked up. I would apologize to both people.
  5. The guy’s a jerk. I have a friend that’s going through something extremely similar. But I’m not her parent, I don’t get to tell her who to date or what boundaries she has to have. I am her friend so I can explain that if she continues down the same road, I don’t wanna hear the drama.
5

Sorry I wasn’t clear: We’re both renting a 2-bedroom together. I’ve been here for about 3 years and she just moved in last month. We’re both on the lease, but the landlord says I’m the “original tenant”, whatever that means, and she can’t live here without me (not that I’d use that against her or threaten to kick her out or anything; I just don’t want HIM here).

If it’s not my owned property, just our shared living space, does that change things?

6

TOTALLY out of line, in my opinion. You treated her like a child, not like a friend, and you owe both of them an apology. The only real recourse you have is to move out yourself if you don’t want to live with the drama.

7

Beyond inappropriate. You have absolutely no right to tell a roommate that their boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t allowed in your apartment any more. You also have no right to tell a friend’s boyfriend he isn’t allowed to see her any more.

You can try apologizing if you want to salvage the relationship, but honestly I’d guess that it’s past repair at this point.

8

Extremely out of line and completely unproductive, you just pushed her closer to him and cut off one of her avenues of escape. That was about the worst possible thing you could have done.

9

The only way this would be even a little bit appropriate is if she wasn’t really a “roommate”–if she were a refugee who had recently run away from him and was currently sleeping on your couch, entirely supported by you while she tried to pull her shattered life together. Under those circumstances, you could tell both of them, together “You two are not going to sort this out here. If you want to talk, do it somewhere else. You, my friend, are welcome here. You, other dude, a stranger, are not”.

But if she’s paying rent and is on the lease and is basically a functional human being? It was terribly patronizing and not a good idea at all.

10

I don’t know what I would have done if I were in your situation. But from my safe perch far away from any fall-out or headache, I’m going to say you probably should have given your friend the ultimatum, not your boyfriend. I know your allegiance is to her, but you essentially disempowered her by going to the boyfriend. (I know disempowered isn’t a word, but just pretend it is.) No one likes to feel disempowered.

I think you have every right to have peace in your living space. So I don’t have a problem with you setting some firm lines in the sand. I just think you did it with the wrong person.

11

I’d say it was over the line except for the part where you don’t want him in your house any more. You have the right to approve your sub-lettor’s guest list (which is what she really is), and she has the right to give you notice and move out if she doesn’t like it. I do agree that this is something that should have been discussed before she moved in, though - she also has the right to date anyone she likes, even complete losers who make her miserable.

12

She’s definitely a roommate – pays half the rent and everything. I looked into the legal rights in this case, and I was definitely in the wrong in that regard. He had every right to be here, even if I don’t like how he treats her.

As for salvaging the friendship or providing her an avenue of escape, honestly, I’ve seen it go on for too long to care anymore. It’s her life, and if she wants to keep suffering, I’m wiping my hands clean. I had no intention of trying to break them up, just didn’t want him over at our place.

But despite that, you’ve all convinced me that I acted out of line as well. Nobody likes to feel they’re being treated like a child from a peer, and that’s how I treated her. I bypassed her because in that one quick moment (when she brushed off the conversation), my snap judgment was essentially “Fine, you’re not going to talk to me about this? I’m sick of dealing with it, and clearly I can’t persuade you that it’s a bad idea, but I’m going to at least let HIM know how I feel.” I did not mean to disempower her, but my action had that consequence and I’m responsible for it whether I meant to or not. I think the essential thing here is that I’m not her dad, she’s an adult, I’m just a friend, and I can’t tell her how to live her life.

What I should’ve done is tell her, not him, that I don’t want to be a part of this, and that I don’t want to hear about it any longer if she is going to continue. And then I could’ve then REQUESTED that she not bring him over, but not demanded it. And if she was unwilling to comply, then I can ask her if she’d be willing to move out and move in with him (or somebody else), and if she chose not to, then I’d just have to move out myself.

I’m too frustrated by this right now to offer a sincere apology, so I’ll have to mull it over for a couple of days. I’ll try to bring myself to apologize, not because I feel a strong need to salvage the friendship, but because – you’ve convinced me – this is not how friends should treat each other in affairs of the heart. In the future I will remove myself from these situations instead of trying to remove either of them. It’s their life, they’re adults, none of my business, I get it now.

Thank you all for your honest opinions.

13

And yeah, in obvious hindsight, we should’ve discussed this before she moved in :smack:

In my naivete I just thought she meant it when she said she was over him for good, and when she started seeing other people, I thought that cemented it. It caught me by surprise when he suddenly reentered the picture, and I acted accordingly – too hastily, it seems – and wronged her by going around her.

Thanks for the perspective.

14

1- apologize
2- even if you did something wrong, i don’t necessarily think you did
2- even if you did something wrong you still stood up for her
3- so next time he breaks up with her she will see you were right
4- still, apologize and say he can come over but you had to speak your mind

if she had a drug addiction and old using buddies were dropping by you’d be a good friend to stop them from coming to your house. i agree with your intention and your actions but since it is tense now, apologize.

15

So apologize to her. And talk about it now. Establish that the shared home is a place of peace and sanctuary for both of you. Drama stops at the threshold.

You can’t stop her from seeing him. What you can say is that you are out of the drama. If they are fighting, they need to take it elsewhere. If she is going to have a yo yo relationship, she needs to find another shoulder to cry on.

16

Ah, I’d offer an apology right away admitting you crossed the line. I’d add a proviso that there’s more but you’re not ready to articulate it yet; you need to think it through.

17

Temporarily, maybe, but come on – she’s not likely to change her ways.

18

No good deed goes unpunished.

19

She defriended me from Facebook and I don’t have her email, but I texted her an apology and left a letter on her door for whenever she gets back. Basically said I crossed the line and that as her friend it was not my place to intervene in such a fashion, and should’ve talked to her directly and not him. I apologized to him too in the letter, saying I wish them both the best and will butt out of their romance, which was never my business anyway. It was as best an apology as I could muster while still being sincere. I was expressed hope that we could talk about the situation in person and figure out what to do about it from now on.

No idea when I’ll see her again since she might decide to just stay at his place and not come home for a while, but I’ve done all I can in the meantime.

Indeed. Or the road to hell’s paved with good intentions. Well, next time I just won’t get involved in other people’s romantic issues. Live and learn, eh? Wish somebody taught me this stuff when I was younger.

20

Totally, totally inappropriate. I can see if you told HER that you don’t want the guy at the apartment WHEN YOU’RE THERE, but that’s about it. If he were out right abusive, or beating her, that were one thing. But it looks like these two thrive on drama, and it’s not your place to intervene.

Personally, it would’ve made me want to invite the guy over even more. I’m contrary like that.