It’s college. College can be both a good thing and a bad thing. On one hand you have the parties, the meeting new people, learning new and interesting stuff on the other hand you have dorm troubles, people drinking too much in general and, the issue I am facing now, roommate troubles. I get along quite well with my roommate on the whole. He’s a relatively calm guy and we both have certain things in common. Then comes the rowdy nights in which he drinks too much and brings his friends over to party in the dorm. Although these things are annoying, it is not my main problem. You see, me and my roommate joke around with each other quite often, as a way to get along with each other better and in a way, it helps alleviate boring moments too. The thing is, I am a bit more mature than him on the whole and I usually am the first to stop. Sometimes, especially recently, he has been continuing the little annoying jokes a bit too much. We call each other curse words, occasionally we play small pranks on each other and the such. When I believe the joking has gone too far, or when I start getting annoyed I usually try to start a serious tone in which we can both start acting maturely and we can stop joking around, just for the sake of not over irritating each other too much.
The thing is, him being more immature than me, he will continue with the little jokes and he starts laughing when I get pissed. I am a person that rarely gets seriously annoyed, but when I do get kind of pissed, it is hard for me to cool off quite quickly. If I leave the room for a while, and my roommate knows I left because I’m angry he will continue bothering me when I get back. I even tell him, Douglas calm down, or C’mon Douglas seriously let’s stop but he will continue with his stupid attitude. The last thing I want to do is to punch someone, And it takes a lot for me to hit a person. For one thing, and besides the bothering we get along quite well, so leaving the room may be extreme for the occasional bad mood I may have every now and then. The problem is that there may be a lack of respect starting to develop from his behalf. Should I hit him, if words aren’t enough and stop this relative friendship or what else can I do. The same thing happens when the friend of my roommate comes in the room, which is something that happens quite often. We are friends, but his jokes do get carried away and he is starting to not respect me. When tell him to stop he doesn’t take me seriously, and If I were to get physical they can accuse me of over reacting. What can be done when the person may not listen to you in a serious conversation and will not stop if I seriously tell them to behave? Should I stop the friendship in order for them to respect me? Again we get along well (probably a 6.5-7 on a scale to 10). What would you guys do in regards to my immature roommate and his friend?
Um, can you get a different room? It’s probably not that hard…
I then face the issue of not getting along at all with the other person I may have as a roommate.
Resorting to violence to solve problems is probably the most immature choice of all, you might want to rethink your options.
Looks like your roommate can’t figure out when it’s OK to joke around and when it’s not.
Only solution is to never joke around anymore. He’ll eventually see something shiny and get distracted and forget you guys even used to be like that.
Should you hit him? Um. NO?
It sounds like you want to, so good on you for your self-control in removing yourself from the situation. It’s REALLY fortunate for you that you possess this self-control, because resorting to violence would be about 30 times more immature than what he’s doing to you–oh, and also illegal.
It’s very unfortunate that he won’t listen to you. I’ve been in those kinds of friendships where people just can’t take the hint. I don’t think he’s going to change, because it doesn’t sound like something intentional – it is, for whatever reason, the way he relates to other people. You mentioned you have this same problem with another person you hang out with – I wonder do you by and large tend to attract people who struggle with these issues? Do you know why that might be? It sounds like you might need a kind of direction change in terms of who you hang out with at all.
It sounds like you like your roommate, and want to preserve the relationship. I would advise trying to discuss it with him when he’s NOT annoying the piss out of you – in a good moment, where he’s not tempted to goad you on and when you aren’t liable to snap. People tend to listen and remember things much more clearly when they aren’t in the heat of the moment. If he doesn’t listen then, I’d try not to take it personally, because it sounds like he just has trouble knowing people’s boundaries. You might try distancing yourself from the friendship and if he asks what’s up then re-iterating your feelings… and barring that, you might try getting a new roommate.
It doesn’t sound like a hopeless situation, just something that could go really badly if it’s not handled maturely (on both your parts.) Violence or even screaming at him will only escalate the situation and put him on the defensive, much less likely to listen to you.
Good luck and all…
This is pretty classical advice, but don’t let him see you get upset from teasing. Don’t leave the room, don’t tell him to stop, just don’t say anything. Stare at him with a blank face. He obviously thinks you’re fun to watch when you get all upset (maybe he’s right). So just take the fun out of it for him.
And if you have problems with him bringing his drunk friends around (even if that’s not your main problem), they you should probably say something is a nice, non-confrotational way (ex: “Hey, I have a test tomorrow. Is there any way you guys can hang out in so-and-so’s room tonite?”). Especially if its something that you’re just going to stew about anyhow.
Good advice. And yes I was a bit angry whe I was writing the article. The thing is that I modify my behavior to better get along with people I might not get along with otherwise, Mind you, I don’t drastically change, but I do change enough to get along with other people.
I do believe that I do not attract these type of people, because I do have diffrent types of friends, but rather his friends are simialar to him and thus when his friends sees us interact he becomes even a bigger problem than my roommate.
Good advice from sugar and spice. You say you are the more mature one, Fury, but getting mad at teasing (to the point of considering punching someone) doesn’t sound very mature to me. You don’t have any control over your roommate (you don’t have control over much in this life, when it comes down to it), but you do have control over your reactions to him. Do you think he’d keep bugging you if you didn’t react to him?
I agree. I wasn’t seriously thinking about punching him, but I was (and still am, but to a lesser extent thanks to the advice given by the dopers and also to the fact that I have cooled down quite a bit) worried that if no peacful resolution could be achieved somewhat soon, then I may be left with no option but to do something that drastic, and belive me, never in my life have I had a fist fight with someone.
Dealing with immature people is like dealing with a pet. Play along until you’re tired, then stop. Paying attention to them after that is just reinforcing poor behavior.
If the person is being a boor, be bored.
I have a couple of friends like this. Every time we (my wife and I) go out with them they constantly make extremely uncalled for remarks. Example: we went out to eat in a fairly upscale restaurant and they kept joking very loudly about sex, dildos, and buttplugs. Then came the Retard jokes. (I mean no disrespect there, I don’t tell them myself, nor do I think they’re funny) All very loudly and completely embarassing both me and the Mrs, and the other person we were with. I cannot fathom why someone would do this. And EVERY time we go anywhere with them. I’ve just stopped talking to them altogether. The only time they call anymore is when the want something, and as luck would have it, I’m always completely busy with something else around the house.
In short, just ignore his stupid little remarks and jokes completely. He’ll eventually get the message.