Okay my question has to do with stuff that came up tonight. My roomie and his gf went out to a party and before they left the gf informed me that if I got out more, and hung out with the neighbors more I would have met this person holding the party and gotten invited as well. Now it would have been nice to go to a party but I think I can handle having the apartment to myself for the night.
My question has to do with going over to the neighbors. Now my roomie and his gf go over there a fair bit, usually to hang out and have a few beers type of thing. Usually when this happens I am not told they are going over there (they walk in grab a couple of things and walk out without a word) or when they do mention they are going over there it’s just yeah we’re next door.
Now it seems to me Sam (the gf) is endorsing my being rude. You see I am never invited over, I do know the neighbors and we talk sometimes but I rarely go over there. Why? Because A I’m not invited (not even a hey come with us we’re going next door) and B because well one of them sets off my CGR* like mad.
Whenever I go over there I usually end up listening to everyone else talk about stuff and being completely, or near completely, ignored. I can’t have drinks right now (4 1/2 months pregnant) and really I don’t see the point of going over there to be the fifth wheel or ignored. Besides when I am invited I still get left out. Earlier this week I was invited to the bar, I show up and no one is there. I meet them on the train home and I am informed that they decided I wasn’t coming because I was late despite them knowing I had things I needed to do, plus the fact that I had to take the bus. Specific ones that if you miss one you have to wait a long time for the next one.
I was also taught it’s rude to invite myself along with other peoples plans, plus I learned that lesson pretty well as an outcast throughout most of my life. No one wanted me along so I found it was easier to make plans myself, or wait to be invited rather then just barge in.
So why does it seem she is implying I need to be rude and go where I’m not invited just so I can get invited to parties? Is that something new I should know about or what?
Ugh. I know exaclty what you mean. I had a similiar situation with my roomate in college. All of my friends had to be his friends too. He invited himself everytime we had something planned.
It’s rude if you invite yourself if your friend has something special planned. Ex: I had a day planned to spend with my g/f. We were gonna go to the mall, eat dinner. Typical stuff. But My roomate invited himself but he didn’t understand that I wanted to be alone with her. When I told him no he got pissed at me but that’s another story.
But it’s really not rude to invite yourself to a neighbors party. Only if you really wanna go though.
Next time, you should ask your roomate if it’s ok you come over to your neighbors and hang out. If you get ignored again, then screw them. Meet new friends, they help a lot. Trust me, I’ve been through the same thing in college.
sighs Herman… it doesn’t bother me if they go to the bedroom… they do it all the time and it’s agreed with all of us that nothing happens in any common areas unless the other people are not there for a good long time and there is no garuntee of being walked in on. we made this rule when we first moved in and it’s been fine so far.
Spiral… most of our friends ae mutual friends… we’ve known each other for 2 years have lived together for 1 of them. I’m not good at making friends easily. I try but I’ve never been very good at it. I’d rather have a few close friends than a bunch of people I don’t know well and can’t talk to easily.
I did end up at the party. Roomie came back for some stuff and I talked to him. I guess it was okay for me to come along but no one gave any indication before that I could go. I think he kinda understands now where I’m coming from.
It wasn’t too bad till the cops showed up because the fire was too high and the noise too loud. We calmed down then a couple people got sick and we finally went home. I realized another reason I don’t get out much. Not fun to go to a bar/party and be the only one completely stone cold sober. Not that I drank much before but it was better when I could at least have a few beers.
Maybe the girl is implying that you just need to get out a bit more… you know its pretty hard to find new interesting people if you watching TV at home.
Being a woman vs woman thing thou… I suspect its nothing nice actually she is trying to say.
As for inviting yourself… do it once in a while… if you dont like the people there dont go again next time. Still you never know if it might be fun or not.
Roomie’s girlfriend may have been trying to help, but just couldn’t keep from being bitchy and condescending about it. Don’t look for logic in her remarks – she hasn’t carefully thought about whether or not you can attend each specific situation, she’s just making an off the cuff remark about how any problems you have are your own fault, so she doesn’t have to feel guilty about going to a party and not inviting you along.
That said, if you wish you were able to socialize more, I think you probably need to get more comfortable with tagging along to social events. With parties and large group gatherings, it’s common to bring friends who weren’t specifically invitied. Don’t assume that “no one wants you along” – most of the people I’ve known who felt this way were usually wrong.
I have to agree with Giraffe. If it’s a party, just go. As long as you know somebody there, it’s probably fine. If it’s a dinner party, that’s different, but if we’re talking about a bonfire party where the amount of food provided isn’t likely to be a problem, then just go.
I know exactly what you mean though. I was raised not to go anywhere uninvited, but it has caused me heartache over the years. My friends used to get irritated with me because they would say, “Shrew, we’re friends. Of course you were invited!”
Generally speaking, if they don’t want you there, they won’t even tell you about it.
The GF was probably trying to be helpful, but she obviously lacks tact.
