So, I went back to my hometown for Thanksgiving, staying with my parents (as I usually do) but spending a lot of time with my brother and his family. So, on Friday afternoon GirlfriendH and I decide to take my 6-year old nephew to the movies (“The Incredibles”) so his parents can have a couple quiet hours (or quieter, at any rate, since we couldn’t take his 7-month old brother too). As we’re leaving, my 16-year old sister asks to come along, so we take her too.
After the movie, we drop off NephewH at his house, and my sister-in-law tells us that my mother was upset that we didn’t invite her along too. Apparently she felt that we were deliberately excluding her or something (when, in fact, we hadn’t specifically invited anyone, besides the nephew).
Thing is, this is not the first time she’s gotten upset over something like this. We generally state where we’re going when we go out, and everyone else considers statements like “we’re going to the movies/bowling/shopping/whatever” to be an open invitation, only requiring an “mind if I come along?” (to which “no” has never been answered) to join. Mom is the only one who seems to require a specific invitation, and who’ll sulk if she doesn’t get it.
I’m also pitting myself because I just can’t seem to remember this and thus every visit usually involves at least one such incident.
I have to confess, I used to be like this too. I moved a lot throughout my life, so I never had a solid base of “best friends” and as a result always ended up feeling like the odd one out.
Some time ago, my boyfriend made a comment which I haven’t ever forgotten: “You’ll only be as accepted as you want to be.” You won’t be able to change your mom’s perception unless she wants it changed. People -myself included - don’t realize that the more you think you’re being excluded, the more you feel like it.
I am working on this problem pretty heavily in my life. Let’s hope she figures it out, too.
As an older mom with grown kids, I can see myself as a “tag along” if the kids make plans to do something. I’d think maybe they want some time together, by themselves, especially since they don’t see each other that often. (My kids are scattered.)
I agree that your mom’s reaction was a little whiny. If she wants to go, she should say so. That said, it would’ve been nice for you to have said, “Hey, we’re taking NephewH to the movies. Anybody else wanna go?” Since you only explicitly invited one person, I could see where the situation might easily have been construed as an exclusive outing. I agree she should have asked if she wanted to go, but it would have been nice for you to offer, too.
I sympathisize with your mom. When I was much younger, there was a situation where a group of my friends went to the movies and it turns out I was not invited. It still kinda hurts to think about even 23 years later. So I pretty much never invite myself to anything without an explicit invitation. Maybe your mom had that type of experience in the past. Or maybe she remembers when you were a sulky 13 year old and embarrassed to be seen in public with her. (what? you didn’t go through that phase?) Or maybe she’s just passive-aggressive. Who knows? Anyway, I’d just do like overlyverbose says next time and avoid the issue…
I would never feel comfortable inviting myself along anywhere. I’ll second (or third, I guess) the idea that it’s probably best to just say, “Anyone wanna come?”
See, I would never, ever ask, “Can I come, too?” It puts people on the spot, and if they’d really prefer you didn’t come, it puts them in the bad position of either having to find a way to say without hurting your feelings, or letting you tag along even though they’d rather you didn’t. Putting someone in that position is just rude. Besides, if I had to ask if I could come, I would spend a lot of the outing wondering if they really wanted me along, or if they were just putting up with me to be nice.
I can see the argument that one doesn’t want to impose oneself on others - I mean, I can think of times we wouldn’t want Mom along (shopping for presents for her, male-bonding with my brother, etc.), but it’s when she gets this way about casual trips where she should know she would have been welcome on. I think I just need to remember this on future trips.
And to those seeing double-meanings in my thread title - for shame! :mad: This is my dear, elderly (OK, middle-aged) mother you’re talking about!
Perhaps if you offered her a blanket invitation, say “Mom, I just want you to know that you’re welcome to join us whenever we do X, Y and Z. All you have to do is ask/let us know you want to join. If it’s ever problematic (e.g. the present shopping situation), we’ll let you know.”?
Then the onus is on her, and you’re “off the hook”. Of course then she doesn’t have a way to lay on the guilt/feel martyred, so she may not like this arrangement either (depending on her motives).
Having said this, let me ask - what’s wrong with having “exclusive time” with your nephew (or whomever)? Doesn’t mean you’re purposefully (meanly) excluding others. One of my neices is also my godchild and I make it a point to do special “just us two” things with her, all others (including her siblings) excluded. No one seems to mind, especially since I spend time with them as well. (Hey, you’re staying with your parents so you see your mom a lot, right?)
