A group of us have been friends since seventh grade. We get together whenever one of us comes in to town from out of state, or at the very least, the four of us who still live around here get together once or twice a year. I pretty much think of us as a unit. I see one friend more than the others because she and I go to the same church, but we are still thought of as a group.
The friend who goes to the same church is having a birthday…the big 5-0…and I got an invitation from her daughter’s to a surprise party for her. I RSVP’d, and the daughter told me she hadn’t gotten many replies yet…the party is in two days. I emailed the other two local friends to see if they were able to attend, so that maybe we can drive together…fewer cars to hide in the neighborhood, I can have some wine, then… and I get an email back from one friend saying she probably won’t be seeing me there because she didn’t know anything about the party…didn’t get an invitation.
Oh course, now I’m appalled at myself. If she wasn’t invited, I just let her know that. This is giving me high school flashbacks…birthday girl and I went through a rough patch senior year, and I was not invited to a few parties, and it caused a bit of a strain on the whole group. (stupid boy stuff…they were broken up when he asked me out!) So I called the daughter and left a message, telling her I’d made a boo-boo by letting these other friends know about the party. But I also told her that if she DID invite them, they never got the invitation, and maybe that’s why she’s not getting many responses…and maybe she should call the rest of the invitees who haven’t responded…maybe they never got their invitations, either!
So I either did a good thing, or a really bad thing…all I know is I feel horrible.
My guess is that the out-of-town friends weren’t invited just cos they’re out-of-town. I’m sure the daughter wouldn’t have deliberately snubbed two of her mother’s close friends. If you know that your friend would love to have them attend then maybe you could mention it to the daughter. Not in a ‘taking over the party arrangements’ way but just a mention. Worst that can happen is the daughter doesn’t think they can comfortably cater for more guests, best is that all four of you attend and have a good time and the daughter gets kudos from Mother for having remembered her out-of-town friends.
Even if your other friends are not invited, go to the party and have a good time. This is not high school and your friends will surely be understanding. So have fun with the one friend and think about arranging something separate for all four of you later (you must all be 50 this year I guess).
I hope it’s just a case of emails lost in the ether; I can’t really think of a mature reason for inviting two of your mother’s oldest friends and not a third. Don’t feel too badly, kitten - sometimes you just assume because everyone is friendly that everyone is invited; I’ve done it in the past, too, I’m sure, and hopefully learned my lesson. Although in all fairness, how were you to know that the third close friend wasn’t invited? It makes sense to make arrangements to drive together, discuss the upcoming event, go shopping for a gift together, etc. This would have come out sooner or later anyway, I’m sure.
Yeah, these were the other in-town friends I emailed. And the invitations (with maps and all) were mailed…I really can’t imagine the daughters not inviting the other two…ah, I have a voicemail from the daughter…gee, this may take a while, since I haven’t picked up messages in a month…37 unheard messages to go through…
Oh my. The eldest daughter (who wasn’t at the last party we had at her parent’s house) said she doesn’t know these other friends, and in the hectic rush to get the invitations out, is sorry she overlooked them, and would I please extend the invitation to them? “Doesn’t know them” is odd…maybe I should have referred to them by their first names when I called her…teenagers can be clueless about their parents’ friends last names, I guess, but where has she been all these years? Anyhow, I’m going to scan in the invitation and email it it them…no, better yet, I’m going to call my friends. I thought they would have used their parents Christmas card mailing list to figure out who to invite (that’s what I’ve told my daughter to do if she ever plans a surprise party for me!!!)
Last weekend, I hosted a 25th anniversary party for my mother-in-law and her husband. I spent four months organizing this event, and not one single person responded to the R.S.V.P. on the invitation. Then I was asked to send invitations to more people, after I’d reserved the private dining room for 12. Aaarrgh. I designed the invitations, the place cards, the menus, everything. I had no idea who was going to show, and when they all did, a few guests refused to speak to me. Talk about awkward…
My attempt at entertaining was a freaking disaster. It looked wonderful, and the food was fabulous, but I was publicly scorned by some guests (who didn’t seem to mind eating the food and drinking the wine). My mistake was in agreeing to host the damn party in the first place. Never again, even if they’re married 100 years. Now we’re out a couple of thousand bucks, and my pride in entertaining. (My mother-in-law told me that when she asked for an anniversary party, she was thinking of a backyard picnic at our house. As if that’s any less work for me. I booked the private dining room at the Hyatt, and practically became best friends with the chef.) Then, six weeks after I’d sent the invitations, three days before the party, I was told that my mother-in-law is allergic to seafood, after I’d arranged a dinner party at the finest seafood restaurant in the city.
Yours was not a major faux pas. Just a little slip, no big deal. You didn’t try to kill your mother-in-law, like I apparently did.
The scorning was from my husband’s ex-wife, her boyfriend, and their kid. I refused to call anyone, because if they can’t understand R.S.V.P., not my responsibility, and I didn’t wish to get into an argument/dispute/bitch-fest that would disrupt his mother’s anniversary dinner. I kept repeating to myself, “I am the better person. I’m the adult. I’m reasonable. I’ll bitch about it later online.” I’ve also stated that I will never host anything, ever again.
My in-laws were overjoyed with the dinner, so my mission was accomplished. I just had a rotten time, tolerating a few rude guests. I’m just sulking about my hurt feelings, and whining about it to people who won’t repeat it to my in-laws.
I still don’t understand why they were mad. They were invited, they didn’t respond, but they came anyway, and they were mad at YOU?
I second you on never arranging a party again, too. People don’t understand RSVP, and I would rather sit at home and pull my toenails out with pliers than stress myself out chasing down a whole bunch of stupid people for some stupid party. But you did the best you could, and your party sounded lovely, so pat yourself on the back and write down your resolve somewhere where you’ll see it and not forget in the future.
I think they were scorning her because she married her husband. Ex-wives will do that.
Somehow I think I’m getting blamed for the invitation mix-up. One friend just called me and said she didn’t get the invitation, they won’t be there because they have plans…and yet I’m getting a hint of disapproval towards me in her voice. I think I’m paranoid.
