Rue Saves the Sun! Yay! (WARNING: it's longer than usual)

The big Sun mystery is solved. And yes, I solved it and yes I did save the World, thank you very much.

I had just posted my plan to investigate the big mystery of the disappearing Sun, (not to be confused with the Hardy Boys’ mystery “The Case of the Disappearing Sun”. That was totally unrelated. And stupid. The Hardy boys are both stupid. But Joe is way stupider than Frank.) there was a knock at my door.

Knock, knock, knock.

After I got the dogs quieted down, I saw who it was.
“Who iiiis iiiit?” I asked.
“It’s the Government sir. Please open the door,” was the response.
Wow, the Government. Not the whole Government I hoped because they all wouldn’t fit in my house, let alone getting them snacks. I opened the door anyway. If it was the whole Government out there, I didn’t want them walking through the garden. The Little Woman would be mad if they did, and you just don’t want a mad Little Woman if you can avoid it.

As it turned out, there were just two of them out there. I was relieved and felt a little cheated at the same time. I have a few things to say to the Postmaster General, as it turns out.

“Hello. I am Agent Muldoon, and this,” he gestured to his partner “is Agent Toody.”
“Hiya!” I said because I’m just real friendly.
“Are you Mr. Rue DeDay?” Muldoon asked.
“Yeah sure, why not?” I confirmed. “But call me Rue if you want,” I added. (See how friendly I am?)
“Mr. DeDay…” Muldoon started.
“Just Rue thanks,” I interrupted. It’s not polite to interrupt, but I wanted us all to be pals, so they should call me ‘Rue’. I’m just That Way.
“OK, Rue. What’s this about the Sun?” Muldoon asked. Toody was being awfully quiet. I was worried about him. As it tuned out he was eating salt water taffy and couldn’t get his mouth open right then. But he says something later. Don’t worry.
“Come in and sit down. I’ll tell you.” They came in and sat down and I got a book to show them what I meant. The book was “Clifford’s Kitten”, but it had a picture of the Sun. “Now, as we know, the Sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear furnace…” I began.
“Yes, but what are these beams coming out of it?” Toody asked. He finally swallowed his taffy.
“The power of God, rays of light, something like that. But what’s important is that it’s going out. It’s not staying light as long as it used to and it’s getting cold outside. I blame Argentina and I mean to get to the bottom of things.” I was a little wound up.
“It’s not Argentina, Rue. It’s this man.” And Agent Muldoon gave me a picture. “This is Hector Gypsumpants and he’s turning the Earth away from the Sun. Not the whole Earth obviously since it’s round, but just the Northern Hemisphere. But since we’re the Government and we govern in the Northern Hemisphere, it might as well be the whole Earth. It’s really not an enlightened view to take, but it’s our and there you go.” Muldoon was a little wound up too.
“Wow,” I said. “Where’d he get that eye patch? It makes him look all evil”
“He was running with scissors,” Toody informed me. “I guess I don’t have to tell you the whole sordid story.”
“No, I think I can figure it out. Is there no law, no rule this man wouldn’t break?” I asked.
“No, no there isn’t,” Toody confirmed.
“What’s that he’s holding? It sure isn’t the requisite white cat.” I can be pretty observant sometimes.
“It’s a kinkajou.”
“A what?”
“A kinkajou. That’s a small honey-gold or brown animal that lives in the rain forest. It’s also called the Honeybear. They come from Brazil, Peru, Ecuador, Guatemala, Honduras, and much of Panama. Hector Gypsumpants comes from Guatemala himself and he decided to have a kinkajou instead of a white cat to drum up interest in his native land. It’s all an advertising ploy. But he’s still pretty evil, the way he tilts the whole planet away from the Sun like he’s doing.”
“And I have to stop him!” Dramatic? Me? No way!
“You and your hot babe sidekick.”
“I get a hot babe sidekick? Cool!” I like that idea. You can’t go wrong with a hot babe side kick. “Can I have Skerri for my hot babe sidekick?”
“No, I’m afraid not.”
“Why not? I’d really like to have Skerri. As my hot babe sidekick I mean, of course. Is it hot in here?”
“No, I’m sorry, but Skerri, and why do I embolden her name every time I say Skerri? That’s just weird.”
“No, it’s just a Dope thing. Don’t worry about it. Go on. Please.”
“OK, you can’t have Skerri because she has bad knees (the Government knows everything, wow) and she’s not on our insurance plan. What if she got hurt? Do you realize what kind of paperwork that would create? Man! I do not need that kind of grief. So you get Lucy Lui as your sidekick.”
“Why Lucy Lui?”
“Because Minnie Driver is busy.”
“Oh. OK. But one of you guys has to stay here and watch the kids until the Little Woman gets home.”
Both Government agents tried to be the first to say “Not it!”, but Toody was slow and had to watch the kids. Poor Agent Toody.

Agent Muldoon drove me to the airport where an airplane (Go figure, an airplane at the airport. Those Government agents think of everything.) was waiting for me with Lucy Lui. We flew down to Hector Gypsumpants’ secret hideout. But first we had to find his secret hideout. This meant a side trip to Napal.

Why Napal? Well, because that’s where an ex-girlfriend of mine had a bar. She also had a mystical medallion that would tell us where Hector Gypsumpants had his secret hideout. Or so we hoped. Her medallion would tell us where the ancient Aztec sun-controlling pyramid is. I figured if I was going to control the Sun, I’d go to the ancient Aztec sun-controlling pyramid and use the ancient Aztec technology to do the job right. That’s what I came up with and I’m not even an Evil Genius. As far as you know.

When we got to Napal and Jenny’s (My ex-girlfriend is named Jenny, and so is her bar. What a weird coincidence.) she wasn’t real happy to see me. That was odd. I’m not sure why because when she was prattling on and on about this and that, I was busy cleaning my fingernails. I could have been fighting Nazis, but as it would happen, there were no Nazis who were after Jenny’s mystical medallion to fight. But I wound up with some clean fingernails although I didn’t have time to file them before Jenny ran out of steam and agreed to help. I mean it is her planet too.

So we got out her mystical medallion and… it didn’t work. I think the battery was dead. The only place we could get a new battery was Cairo. The one in Egypt, not the one in Illinois. That was a pretty good thing, considering we were closer to Egypt than we were to Illinois at the time. So off we went to Egypt. I knew a guy there.

They guy I knew knew a guy who knew where to get ancient and odd sized batteries. While he went off, Jenny and I went shopping in the marketplace. I’m not sure what Lucy Lui was up to, but I’m sure she had a good time. While we were in the market, bad guys attacked us and stuffed Jenny in a basket and ran away. That made me sad. I was so sad I got real drunk. While I was real drunk I noticed my old friend in Cairo looked like a tall dwarf and sounded like a tree. That was odd. It made me wonder what the heck I was drinking. But my pal got the battery and we made the medallion work. It told us to go to the Pyramid of the Sun in Mexico. Now, looking back, if I was going to use some ancient Aztec technology to control the Sun, the Aztec Pyramid of the Sun in Mexico would be right at the top of my list of places to check out. Huh. Live and learn, that’s what I say.

Then something good happened. Lucy Lui showed up with Jenny. From what I gathered Lucy was in a high-stakes poker game and won a giant basket full of Jenny. On a pair of threes. Lucy can bluff good, so don’t play poker with her unless your good at bluffing too.

After her adventure of being stuffed in a basket and won in a poker game, Jenny decided to stay in Egypt with my old pal. (His name is Pete, by the way. I never mentioned it to build up the suspense, but since there’s nothing hinging on not knowing his name later in the story, I thought I’d just tell you now. I could have told you right off, but I didn’t feel like it.) So Lucy and I hopped in our Government plane and flew off to Mexico.

Lucy was nice. We played some Scrabble on the plane (I lost sobad) and she made mai tais to go with our complimentary peanuts. If you ever have to save the World, get Lucy Lui as your hot babe sidekick. She has good knees and makes a mean mai tai. Don’t play her Scrabble for money though, I’m warning you.

We got to the secret hideout and Lucy busted in, guns blazing. I didn’t get a gun personally, which when you think about it really isn’t a bad thing since I’m not that hot a shot and Lucy just shot the asses of everybody. (If you do play Lucy Scrabble for money, pay up promptly.) We made our way to the big secret computer room. I think the computer was a little bored because when we got in, it asked if we. would. like. to. play. a . game. Man! All that money dumped into a plan to take over the World (or at least leave the Northern Hemisphere in the dark, along with a super powerful secret computer and Hector Gypsumpants went and used a cheap-assed voice synthesizer. Probably got it from Radio Shack when he was in for batteries.

“Lucy! You play the computer a game. Try to make it tic-tac-toe so it learns that destroying the whole World is pointless while I go look for the ‘Off’ switch!”
“OK!” A good hot babe sidekick does what you say without arguing. Hmmm… maybe I didn’t explore the whole sidekick relationship as well as I should have… Oh well, too late now.
As it turned out, the computer didn’t want to play tic-tac-toe. It wanted to play Chinese checkers. What was even weirder was that every time you made a jump, you’d get an electrical shock. The more jumps you made, the worse the shock. I didn’t understand that whole thing. Off I went to find the 'Off" switch.

Creeping around the secret hideout, I finally found the ‘Off’ switch. It was on a catwalk over a giant pit with a river of lava at the bottom. And there was Hector Gypsumpants with his kinkajou!
“Rue! Turn away from your path and join me!”
“No way!”
“But I’m your father!”
“Nuh-uh! My dad’s in Cincinnati right now. Duh!”
“I mean I could be likeyour father!”
“A little shorter than me with a more… ample middle? Of course he doesn’t have my head of thick, luxuriant hair, but then who does? No thanks, one dad is enough!”
“Then your sister! I’ll get your sister to help me!”
“No way! My one sister doesn’t take orders from nobody and my other sister doesn’t have time to take over the World because of her China painting business! Ha! You lose, Hector! Nice kinkajou by the way.”
“Thanks. I really like my kinkajou. They are way nicer than cats. Even if they don’t use a litter box, but then what evil pet is really perfect? But no dice on turning your sisters evil?”
“Not more than a couple of days a month really. Sorry.”
“How about a brother? Do you have a bother I could turn evil?”
“Yeah, I have a brother. And he can grown a pretty good Van Dyke, so he’d even look evil.”
“Oh, that would be lovely. How would I get in touch with him?”
“Oh, you could just e-mail him. Here, let me give you his e-mail address…” and I wrote down Skippy’s e-mail address on a piece of paper and went over to give it to Hector Gypsumpants. Now, I know what you’re thinking, I was going to give up and let Hector win and even turn my own brother evil in the bargain. But I didn’t. See, Hector is an Evil Mastermind, and Evil Masterminds are always stupid. When he reached out his hand to take the e-mail address (which wasn’t even my brother’s! Ha!), I shoved him over the rail and he fell into the lava below. I did save his kinkajou though. Gosh, thinking about it, I didn’t hear a splash when he hit the lava. Maybe he didn’t really die. Maybe he just got burned real bad and now lives an evil and twisted life encase in a black suit that keeps him alive… Naw! What are the odds that could happen?

Anyway, I hit the ‘Off’ button. Then I went to find Lucy. As it turns out, she’s even better at Chinese checkers than she is at Scrabble. She just whomped on that evil super computer and it was so mad it started the Destruct Sequence. Wow, was it an exciting time getting out of there! And the final effect where the secret hideout blew up! Man! That was a good one.

Lucy and I got back to our plane and came home. She made more mai tais, but we didn’t play any more Scrabble. Since Hector Gypsumpants’ secret hideout and Earth tilting machine were destroyed, everything is getting back to normal. Agent Muldoon said we should be getting our full share of Sun in only three months or so.

See? I did save the World. And had mai tais with Lucy Lui. It wasn’t as good as having mai tais with Minnie Driver, but she was busy. Maybe next time the World needs saving.

I can only hope anyway.

Yes, but what happened to the kinkajou?

Hey, Rue, can I have the franchise rights on these Rue saved the sun and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” t-shirts? I’ll cut you in for a cool 10%. 15% if you autograph them… Just 'cause I luvs ya!

Thanks bunches for saving the Sun and probably the World, too, Rue.

Do you have any openings for a white cat? Cuz Shan is pretty disappointed in not getting the “Evil Mastermind Familiar” job, but he’s thinking that if you start some kind of James Bond-ish franchise and let him in on the ground floor, that’d make up for it.

If you don’t have anything else to do with the kinkajou, I would be more than happy to adopt it. My dog would be thrilled to have a new playmate.

WOW! I want some of whatever you are having, Rue! Only, I want Mel instead of Lucy, okay?

It’s funny you should mention that, Rue. Because this guy in a black suit with some really freaky scars on his face just came to my house the other day and offered me a job working for him. Apparently I’m going to be a “Henchman,” or something. This was surprising, since I don’t even know how to work a Hench, let alone have a liscence to practice Henching in the U.S. But, I said yes anyway, cuz I was bored. He even gave me this nifty bowler-hat shaped bread knife, which has really helped me make sandwiches. You two should meet sometime.

Lucy Liu? C’mon, Rue! I could break her in half with a dirty look. :smiley:

Ok, so I can’t run and jump and stuff. I see. Does this mean I can be your hot babe secretary or something? I’m much better looking than Moneypenny. Of course, I’ll have to work something out with the Boyfriend, so he doesn’t get all jealous and stuff.

Thanks for saving the sun, Rue. It’s because of you that I had a nice day outside on the deck on Sunday, I bet.

Rue saved the sun? HAH! If Rue saved the sun, then why don’t I see it outside my window now? All I see is clouds and really drippy stuff coming down. hmmmmmm…drippy stuff coming down outta the sky…hmmmm…:eek: the sun is melting!

Thanks, Rue! Lucky thing we’ve got you around, or NOBODY’D have saved the sun. We owe ya, pal.

But now I’m a little worried about this melting thing swampbear suggested. It would be really awful for Rue to courageously save the sun, only so that it could fall down on us in cold, splattery drops. Cold spattery drops of dead sun. Man, that would suck.

Oh Fisher(no space)Queen… uhhh… I’ll just be standing over here, whistling casually, not making eye contact…

Calm down Swampy (and Knpanicmongerckers, the drippy stuff isn’t the residue from the dying Sun. (At least I don’t think so… No, I’m sure it’s not…) It’s just the coolant from the huge Aztec planet-turning machine. Those Aztecs, they made some good stuff, but man! once they get blowed up there’s all sorts of mess.

Snickers, the t-shirt deal sounds faboo! Just as long as they’re 100% cotton. I’m a big fan of 100% cotton t-shirts. Especially when I get a cut of the gross. It will be the gross, won’t it? I mean you’re not going to give me a piece of the net and then say “Oops! The net’s all gone!” would you? Of course not, we’re Special Friends and all.

By what do you mean “start some kind of James Bond-ish franchise” there Kat? I’ve already had a Save the World Adventure that one time, you know. (I could have gotten a fancy-schmancy and just linked that one bit, but the thread has the story of the Ground-Weasel-Boy AND the song, so I just linked the whole thing. The particular story I was thinking of is about in the middle of the first page.)

Ummm… monica… I’m sure your pup is swell and all, but well… it’s more “chew toy” now that “playmate”. But it’s bar-b-q flavor, so everyone comes out ahead. Except the poor kinkajou. But he was real mean anyway, so it’s no big loss.

Tupug Anachi, that would be Moxie Cola bay-bee! Oh yeah!

Ha! Fearless Leader sure played you for a chump there Jester. Bowler hat, ha! Makes you look like a big dweeb (what with YOUR ears). And I’d check that hench liscense he gave you. It’s probably only good in Canada. (Double ha!)

Were you paying attention Skerri? It wasn’t my decision to dump you, it was the Government’s. Pesky insurance rules! But the hot babe secretary sounds like a winner of an idea. (Do you have your own glasses and skirt? We can improvise if we have to.)

Heh heh. I was paying attention, but I figured if I jumped on a less-adventurous job with you that I’d have a better shot. (Besides, insurance-schminsurance. I work for the Gubmint. Their insurance is crap.:D)

And not only do I have the glasses and the skirt, but I can also take notes in pencil and provocatively nibble on the eraser while looking innocent. I’m pretty good at looking innocent. :slight_smile: