Something’s going on. Something big. And I’m going to find out what.
Have you noticed the Sun lately? It seems to be going out. It doesn’t manage as much light every day, and it seems to stay dark longer lately. This could be bad. I mean, yeah I have flashlights and all, but how long will the batteries last?
I’ve heard that the Southern Hemisphere might be taking all the Sun too. You know, tilting the Earth so the Sun points at them and leaves us in the dark. A little more tilt everyday until we get nothing. All day, everyday is really night. If things keep going the way they are that’s what could happen by April. I blame Argentina.
You don’t hear about the Sun going out (or the Southern Hemisphere tilting the Earth so they get all the light) on the news and it definitely is (unless it’s the Southern Hemisphere thing), so that just proves it’s a Government cover-up. Probably goes to the highest levels.
That might be bad, me knowing about the high-level cover-up. They could find out I know, and then I’d be in trouble. (Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea for me to mention this is such a public way. Hmm… maybe I should have kept quiet.) They could send a team of Black Ops agents to silence me. (Or Shadow Ops seeing how it’s all about the Sun.)
But I’d probably get a hot-babe sidekick (Applications are being taken now. E-mail is in my profile.) to help me out and there would be chase scenes and shooting and all sorts of excitement. Since my heart is true, I’d of course win in the end. So I have that in my favor, a True Heart.
If you don’t hear from me for a while, it’s because I’m checking out the whole Sun thing. (This means pretty much the Monday Morning Post ain’t going to happen. Maybe not until the New Year. When you’re investigating a mystery of this proportion, some things just slide. I’m sorry and all, but whatcha gonna do?) Unless you don’t hear from me for a real long while. That would mean They got me. The bastards. Then you should worry. And move South. Unless your a “night person”, then you’ll be Jake.
I think it’s some mad Australian professor hell-bent on world domination. He’s stealing all the sunlight so we’ll get a bit confused and our bodies will be tricked into thinking we should be sleeping and start stretching and yawning and he’s going to wait… wait until that special moment… that moment when everyone in the Northern hemisphere is joined in one mass stretch-and-yawn. And then he’ll attack! He’s got these huge finger-like poking devices and he’ll send his minions to poke them in our mouths while we’re all yawning and then we’ll try to close our mouths only we can’t because of the poking devices.
This will, in some way, lead to world-domination on the part of the Australian professor. I haven’t worked out what the steps between everyone in the Northern hemisphere being unable to close their mouths after a yawn and the eventual introduction of a terrifying new Australian regime would be. But I’m pretty sure they’re there.
Look, I don’t like to cast aspersions, and I treasure my status as Rue’s #1 Special Friend, but I’m thinking maybe when he does return, we need to check him for tan lines. Maybe he’s investigationg or maybe he’s headed south for a vacation in the sun.
I could be wrong.
I hope I’m wrong.
But stronger men than Rue have cracked under lesser circumstances. No accusations. I’m just sayin’.
I volunteer to check him out. With photos. No need to thank me - it’s all part of fighting ignorance!
Wait, I have a plan for you. Southern Hemispherians are evil but they are not that bright. I say, let them tilt the earth and take the sun. All we have to do then is SWITCH PLACES with them. I always liked the ecology of the Southern hemisphere anyway. They have some cool crap in South America and Australia. Even Antarctica will be pretty nice once all that sun heats it up a bit.
Hey, Shagnasty, why go to all that trouble? All we have to do is reprint the maps with the world upside-down.
Oh, and another thing that bugs me: during most of the year, when I get up in the morning and go out just at sunrise, there’s water everywhere. Not a lot, just enough to ruin anything that got left out overnight. It’s not like it rained or anything, right? Who does that? And why?
Rue, consider this my application to be a “hot babe sidekick”. No emails, those things are traceable.
I wanna quit my job to go to ninja school, so that’s a bonus. I can’t run, because I have bad knees, but I can skateboard still. I’m also pretty good with finding stuff, so that will come in helpful. I can also cook on a campfire, which may come in handy if there’s lots of “hiding out in the woods” incidents.
Oh, and I took Spanish for a year in high school, so we’ll always know where the library and the shoe shop are located.
A horrible thought has just occurred to me. A more ominous thought even than world domination by New Zealanders and Argentinians (and cetera).
This thought is as follows:
What if the Northern Hemisphere isn’t tilting away from the sun, but the Sun is wearing out? It must get really exhausting, rolling down over the horizon, and then having to get up again and fly over the world the next day. Maybe the sun is just getting all weary, and lingering in the Black Abyss below the horizon, because it can’t get up enough steam to climb up over the earth? Like, when you do a lot of push-ups, and your arms start to get all tired and shaky, so you do your last set really fast, and prolong the space between each push-up. Maybe this is the sun’s Last Set! I wonder if that push-up explanation made sense to anybody but me.
And as for the Southern Hemispherians getting more sun than usual, I believe that is just a lie, perpetrated by the Evil S.H.ers, in the interest of making all us N.H.ers jealous. I think we should bomb them.
Man, it’s a scary thing; the end of the sun as we know it. What I’m wondering is, when the sun winks out and dies, will I still have to come to work? Because it will be eternal night, and I work during the day!
I bet I’d have to come anyway. As it is, they make me stay until the sun is just setting. Bastards.
Anyone know where I could borrow a white persian cat from, to sit on th’ Big Boss’ lap as the Big Boss cackles evilly into the Northern Hemisphere-wide tele-feed? It ain’t a proper Evil Genius moment without th’ cat.
Just a thought, maybe a solution to the problem (in a sticking-your-tongue-out-and-going-nyah-nyah kind of way).
Have you thought of subscribing to the Sun or the other Sun (there may even be other Suns to which you could subscribe)? If you did, you would get the whole Sun, every day. (Unless your stoopid neighbor stole the sports page, in which case you would only get most of the Sun.)
Oh, one more potential problem (or maybe its a benefit – definitely a glass half full thing) – since you don’t live close to the Sun, you might end up getting yesterday’s sun. If the sky was clear yesterday, but cloudy today, wouldn’t yesterday’s Sun be a good thing?
It’s amazing the sun comes up every morning at all, given the lack of hemoglobin it’s been getting. If a few people would just take the time to perform the necessary rituals, I’m sure things will get back to normal soon.
Francescaalmost has it. But, you see, it’s actually a professor in North America who is going to dominate the world by flunking every college student here. Because right when the day is approximately thirty seconds long, that’s when we have finals. I still have finals to study for, but it’s … only… 4:30 … and … so … dark… …zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Hey, Rue, I just got back from an investigative trip to the other side of the world, and once I got over the jet-lag, I discovered they have the same problem. Plus, really cool raw fish. But mostly, the same problem (it gets dark about 4:30 in the afternoon there, now). And they had snow for the first time in ages.
I recommend that you take two hot-babe sidekicks and see if that makes things better.
Ohhhhh, you can trust me when I tell you the sun isn’t going out.
Check out the bushfires in Victoria and NSW.
Check out the weather this week in Melbourne and Sydney.
It’s been 30 all week and Saturday will be 40. errrrr. That’s degrees C, I don’t know to do the F thing but trust me it’s fricken hot.
My backyard is getting around 14-15 hours of direct sunlight a day, which is good for the solar heating on the pool, but is killing my grass very quickly indeed.
So, I would ilke to support Rue and advise y’all that down here we are indeed stealing all of your sunlight. But we are storing it in a box and in May (or so), we’ll send it right on back.
I swear I had nothing to do with it. I don’t know who these people are, I’m just here because… um… I got lost. That’s it. I’m lost. I’m not involved in the sun stealing caper. I was lost and happened to pass by and wander in. How was I to know that it was a country full of sun stealers?
I respectfully submit my application to be the drunk/inept token stooge with awesome, MacGuyver-like abilities. Kinda like the helicopter pilot in Clear & Present Danger, kinda like Murdock in The A-Team.
