[QUOTE=Queen Tonya]
A guy at work answers the interoffice phone system thusly:
Good morning/afternoon! Press 1 for English. Press 2 to be disconnected until you realize this is the USA and take the time to learn the language.
:rolleyes:
[/QUOTE]
That’s like my answering machine:
Press 1 to be ignored by a human!
Press 2 to be ignore by a machine!
Press 3 to talk to the dog!
Please press a number now!
I’m reminded of an old Calvin & Hobbs strip. Calvin’s walking past the living room phone when it rings. Calvin picks it up.
CALVIN: Yes, I’d like a large pizza with pepperoni.
[hangs up]
CALVIN: I like to make everybody’s day a little more surreal! 
[QUOTE=matt_mcl]
One time, Tom called me up, and briefly had to ring off for some reason, telling me he’d call back shortly. I got a call a minute or so later, and picked up the phone with a sultry, “Hey, baby!”
It was my mom. :eek: :smack:
[/QUOTE]
“Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess…Mum, hi!”
Not really what you were asking for, but when I read “saucy,” I thought of how I will often answer my home phone as if I were Italian.
“Pronto!”
It’s best if you can do it with the proper accent, rolling the R and saying both O’s sort of oh-like. The brief pause of confusion at the other end of the line is always amusing.
For some reason, I find this funnier than the other international equivalents (“moshi moshi” in Japan, “wei” in Hong Kong, etc), maybe because “pronto” means “ready,” which I think is sort of an odd cultural artifact.
“Pronto!” 
When I was in electronics school, I had a roommate who answered the phone with, “House of God, may I help you?”
[QUOTE=Sunspace]
When I was in electronics school, I had a roommate who answered the phone with, “House of God, may I help you?”
[/QUOTE]
When I was in college, it was “Ed’s House of Cheese.” in the most deadpan manner possible. It’s become my favorite business, club and gang name now. I’ve found much use for it over the years.
[QUOTE=Savannah]
…how can I answer the phone when he calls me tomorrow night same time?
[/QUOTE]
Chester’s House of Nuts, this is Almond.
along the lines of “Bill”:
[in a pleasent answering machine voice] “Hi, you can’t come to the phone right now, so I’ll leave my name and number so you can call me back as soon as possible. Thank you. Beep! Hey [name on caller ID], this is Mynn, just trying to reach you when you’ve got a moment …”[/iapamv]
“Hello caller, I’m listening” in your best radio therapist voice.
Mr J often answers “Taliban headquarters”
(or Al Qaeda)
A buddy of mine answers for whichever location he’s in at the time. “Hello, Oxford.” or “Hello, London”.
The same guy got some sound manipulation software and turned his answering machine into a horrifying message with spooky music and screams of the damned, identifying himself as Satan and informing the caller that their soul was now doomed.
“Secret Headquarters of the Clowns For Crime, Bozo speaking.”
“Thank You for sponsoring the ‘Santorum For Senate’ campaign fund. Your $20 contribution is tax-deductable and will bill discreetly on your next Verizon statement.”
click
Sam Stone: [answering the phone] Hello? Debbie? Yeah, Debbie’s here, who’s this? Well, Ralph, uh, Debbie can’t talk right now, my dick’s in her mouth. How about if I have her call you back later when I’m done? [hangs up and laughs] I love wrong numbers.
– as played by Danny DeVito in Ruthless People (1986)
Tri Delta Sorority, which Delta would you like to try?
Can’t talk now, Lover…my SO should be calling soon…
Hello, Happy Harry’s Whorehouse where the customer comes first. How can I help you?
There’s also one which I have saved as a .wav file-it’s a barbershop quartet:
We’re sorry we’re not home right now we thank you for your call
we are such merry people, we love you one and all
please leave your name and phone number we’ll call you back with luck
but if your should hang up too soon go take a flying… 
[QUOTE=Sunspace]
When I was in electronics school, I had a roommate who answered the phone with, “House of God, may I help you?”
[/QUOTE]
A friend of mine in college: “Garden of the Gods. God speaking.”
“Hello? … Aha, gotcha! You’re talking to a machine! Sarah’s not in right now, please leave a message.”
I don’t blame Arnold one bit. I’d travel through time to hunt her and her family down too, with a stupid message like that.
[QUOTE=WhyNot]
When I was in college, it was “Ed’s House of Cheese.” in the most deadpan manner possible.
[/QUOTE]
When I was in college, it was “Barney’s Beanery. Barney speaking.” I think I like “Ed’s House of Cheese” better.