My husband just called to see if there’s anything I need from the store on his way home. I know it’s him; we’re cel-only, and his name and number shows up on display when he calls me.
So I answered: “Elegant Escorts—always hiring ‘10’s’.”
His retort: “That’s an old joke. You need to get some new ones.”
Okay. Other than “MacDonald’s Mortuary–you stab 'em, we slab 'em!”…
…how can I answer the phone when he calls me tomorrow night same time?
Joe’s Crematorium - You kill 'em, we grill 'em!
“Harry’s Pool Hall, 8-Ball speaking.”
(in your best sultry voice)
Stacy’s Spicy Singles Chat Line - this is Stacy, how can I serve you today?
911, what is your emergency?
<last name>'s Amish farm. Sorry, we don’t have a phone. click
The number you have dialed has been disconnected. (try to sound mechanical)
What’s your favorite scary movie?
Thank you for voting. That will be a … $9.99 … charge to your phone bill. Please hang up … now.
Whaaaat? (ala toddler)
This is (local station) and you are ON THE AIR!
Do you have the pause stuff?
All I can think of right now are if you are calling home.
“I’ll be home in 20 minutes. Don’t have anything on except the radio.”
and
“This is a collect obscene phone call, will you accept the charges?”
One time, Tom called me up, and briefly had to ring off for some reason, telling me he’d call back shortly. I got a call a minute or so later, and picked up the phone with a sultry, “Hey, baby!”
It was my mom. :eek: :smack:
When a clerk at my store knows who is calling he answers: “store name wines liquors and prostitutes, how may I help you?”
Phil’s Abortion Agency! You rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us! 
“[blank]'s taxidermy, you bag 'em, we tag 'em.”
Or, the alternate:
"[blank]'s taxidermy, you snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
“Grant’s Tomb - Grant speaking” 
“Yer nickel - start talkin’!”
Both of these are from my dad.
VCNJ~
A guy at work answers the interoffice phone system thusly:
Good morning/afternoon! Press 1 for English. Press 2 to be disconnected until you realize this is the USA and take the time to learn the language.
:rolleyes:
This is excellent.
I once answered a non-official, barracks pay phone with “Supreme Allied Headquarters, may I help you…”
“Who is this…??!”
“You don’t know, do ya…”
Eventually he got tired and realized the futility… yuk yuk
“Kalhoun’s Cookie Jar. Which crumb did you want to speak with?”
I always enjoy screwing them up. If I see I’m getting a call from “Bill Smith”, I answer with:
“Hi, is Bill there?”
…And then giggle madly when I hear them say “Uh… er… speakin–hey, I was calling YOU!”
Hello, the answering machine is on its break so this call is being handled by Savannah’s steam iron, but you don’t have to press anything. Just start talking.
[QUOTE=Carlyjay]
“Hi, is Bill there?”
[QUOTE]
This particular response flustered my mother in law so badly that she actually hung up the phone. It only worked once on her though.
CIA Southern Tactical Command. May I have your authorization code?
–“I think I have the wrong number”
<strong voice>
HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER? THIS IS A CLASSIFIED LINE. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CURRENT LOCATION, WE ARE SENDING SECURITY AGENTS TO YOUR LOCATION IMMEDIATELY.
</strong voice>
Hee! I can’t wait for the phone to ring.