Say, did you cut your fucking hair?

So the first words I hear this morning (while still in bed) are, predictably, “Good morning.” It was the 3rd word on that kinda snuck up on me.

"I just can’t believe you didn’t notice I had my hair cut yesterday. All three of your children noticed it immediately and complimented me on it."

First reaction, oh please let this be a horrible dream. Nope, gotta piss. This is apparently my wake-up call.

So I immediately try to cover my tracks. “Uh, you know it was kinda hectic when I got home last night, and…”

"You sat directly across the table from me at dinner last night. Didn’t you look at me, or did you just not SEE me."

And me, I still gotta piss.

What the fuck do you think this is? Some kind of a test? Gee, let’s change something minor, and see if he notices. But excuse me, it isn’t as though you had waist length hair shorn into a buzz cut. For the last 15 years or so your hair has been more or less the same length, and more or less the same color. Somedays it is more wavy than others.

But if you haven’t realized it yet, get this through your beautifully coiffed thick skull. I DO NOT NOTICE YOUR HAIR, I HAVE NEVER NOTICED YOUR FUCKING HAIR, AND I WILL NEVER NOTICE YOUR FUCKING HAIR UNTIL IT FALLS OUT (and only then if I have to sweep it up or it clogs the drain.)

If you want that to be the basis for our divorce, so be it. But if not, enough already. Might as well be just as pissed that I can’t make monkeys fly out of my butt. It ain’t gonna happen.

We talked on the phone yesterday. Suppose you couldn’t have mentioned that you were gonna get a haircut. And when I got home and we discussed our days, if you had mentioned it I would have said it looked nice (and meant it too.) But too many times I’ve sincerely complimented your hair, and had you say it was especially dirty and ratty that day. Or asked if you are wearing a new blouse, and heard you tell me how many times I have seen you in it. Do you keep track of such things? You keeping score? Do you say to yourself, "Okay, I’ve worn this damn blouse three times without that bastard noticing it. Let’s see if we can go for four!"

Sorry if this pisses you off, but the exact style of your hair on a given day is not the reason I married you 17 years ago, and is not the reason I’m still glad you are my wife and the mother of my children.

No longer am i going to participate in the “Notice anything different?” game. Was a time I’d break out in flop sweats and cast madly about trying to remember what the fucking drapes looked like when I last saw them, how many kids we had that morning, or whether or not I’d noticed each and every aspect of your clothing and grooming. I’m not playing that game any more.

So stop with the testing already. Give me enough credit. I do enough seriously jerky things that you should get pissed at, that you don’t need to focus on this.

Oh man are YOU in trouble.

I mean - even I noticed it! It’s so much nicer that way.

I wouldn’t wanna be you right now, uh-uh, no how.

pan

And what was wrong with it before? If it looked so bad, why didn’t you tell me? :mad:

You can’t win. Ever. The wise man gives up trying, and takes his lumps.

Game Over. Please Insert Coin.

Man, I always lose a life on that bit.

pan

Dinsdale, yours is a noble stance but you’d make your life a lot simpler if you just apologise for this glaring oversight on your part.

Perhaps I could interest you in Niccolò Machiavelli’s excellent “Men are from Florence, Women are from Tuscany”. For example, in chapter 14 he gives the example of the Duke of Ferrara, who made an ally of his wife’s hairdresser, and thus would receive warning of any developments in her hairstyle before he got home from a hard day at the palace. It also has a great section on the Marquess of Mantua’s exemplary response when Lady Forli asked him if “this dress makes my bum look fat”, essential reading for any married man.

First mistake. Don’t you know that the proper answer is “Honey, I did notice how lovely your hair looked last night when you were [insert thing she did last night here], but I just didn’t get a chance to mention it because you were so busy.” Quickly follow this with a very specific compliment.

You can’t refuse to play the game, but you can try to win next time!

No way, Zumba. Guys never win. The best they can hope for is to avoid losing big time on any given day.

Ugh.

I hate reading things like this. And this is also why I claim not to be a woman.

I don’t give a rat’s ass if you don’t notice my hair. And my husband wins a lot. A LOT. I’m always saying how wonderful and thoughtful and loving he is.

I’m not out to bash men or “beat” them at some game. :frowning:

jar

The real purpose of the “game” is that she wants you to notice her as a women and think she is attractive. To her the fact that you didn’t notice her hair means that you don’t even look at her that way. The same thing with the blouse. If she buys a new blouse that she thinks looks really good on her and you don’t notice then you don’t think that she looks good. (or worse yet, you don’t even care what she looks like anymore.)

Tell her you notice. Compliment the women when she hints for it. I know that you probably compliment her other times, but there is nothing wrong with doing it when she is hinting for it too. Trust me, you will both win.

How can you sincerely compliment her hair if you have never noticed it?

In the words of (I think) George Burns:
Sincerity is the most important thing. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made!

I assumed this thread was in (at least semi) jest - that was certainly how I read it - most of the posts are a little tongue-in-cheek. If someone really wanted advice on relationship issues I would think the BBQ pit of the SDMB would probably be about the last place to look.

That said; sorry if I caused offence. Just a little gratuitous stereotyping.

i agree that the reason she is taking such offense is that she’s worried you aren’t looking at her in “that way” anymore. if you were, you’d notice, as far as she’s concerned.

perhaps you could talk to her and remind her that the compliments that come without any prompting are the most sincere. make it clear that you do not appreciate being badgered into something that is supposed to be from the heart.

i wouldn’t suggest complimenting her at that time. it seems to me that it’ll just reinforce the idea that she has to badger him for a compliment. but it couldn’t hurt to come up with a surprise compliment later that day.

One evening, I went out to dinner with another couple. Apparently, they had JUST had the same conversation as the OP in the car on the way over.

They sat down, and I said “Oh! You got your hair cut and colored. It looks fantastic!”

If you could have seen her smile or his look of terror. It was priceless. I had no idea she was getting a cut, but I noticed right away. The color change was also pretty drastic. Apparently, he noticed neither and had just received an ass-chewing for it.

Whoops!

Zette

I’m with dinsdale and jarbaby on this one; I could play games with my fiance, drive him crazy, make myself miserable, but I decided not to go that route. I tell him how many shopping days until my birthday, and what I want to get. I ask him how he likes my hair after I have it done. If we are going to have an argument and feel bad, I want it to be about something that matters, not about whether he noticed that I had a half-inch of hair cut off. The funny thing is, he is actually very observant on his own; I don’t really need to remind him of things.

Or, what I do: “What are you talking about? I did tell you how nice it looked. You remember when you were [insert something she was totally engrossed in (like watching “Friends” or something)]. I said it was great and you just nodded absentmindedly, so I didn’t mention it again. You’ve really got to start paying more attention to me, you know.”

If you do this sort of thing just right, you can sometimes even make her feel guilty about ignoring you.:smiley:

Hey, you want a match to go with all that gasoline you’re throwing around?

What featherlou said shows real love I think. Accepting your SO as flawed, and realising you have to do extra work to get the little attentions that are significant to you. Once you get into the pattern it’s quite comfortable.

But Dinsdale mate, you have to GET INSURANCE!!

You are always likely to fail the little tests of “did he notice immediately”. So build up credit where you are strong. Do you love her? Think she’s sexy looking?

Then tell her!

Tell her at times when it can’t do you any good (like, when you’re leaving the house to go to work, rather than just before bed). Tell her over and over and in detail. When she least expects it, but only when you really mean it.

Build up credit, so she feels so secure in your love, and wanted, and sexy, that she’ll give up the “I dare you not to notice THIS” contests.

And your relationship benefits, and you both look contented and smug when you’re together.

Well, it’s worth a try…

Redboss

Just wanted to say that I thought Gary Kumquat’s post was hilarious. It seemed to get lost in the shuffle.

Also, my wife asks me point blank after each haircut she gets whether I like it. And several times after that. That’s a good system, I think.