So lately my phone/DSL bills have been looking a little different. I didn’t think much of it.
Then one day I went to log on to “My Yahoo”. It’s where I usually go to check what movies are playing locally. It routes me to a page that says that SBC has merged with Yahoo and I need to “upgrade” my serivice at “no cost” if I want to reach My Yahoo. Fuck it. I’ll just look in the newspaper then.
Today I get a letter in the mail- an important looking one. They say that if I want to keep my DSL acount “active”, I need to “upgrade”.
I know all about this “upgrade”. It offers “features” like a “custom browsing environment” and “premium services” and “spyware” and “glutware” and “If I wanted to cover my desktop in shortcuts, have my favorites hijacked, destroy my browser and bring my computer to a crawl I would have signed up for mother fucking AOL ware” I’ve seen one to many of my friend’s computers fucked in every computery orfice it has by this oh-so-nifty “upgrade”.
Look, I got DSL. That means I plug in my modem, plug in my router, plug in my computer, fire up my browser and be done with it. Really, all I want is a connection to the Internet. I can figure out the rest from there, I promise. I don’t need to open up my huge and shiny “premium browser environment”, have it tell me “you have new mail” in some cheery voice as it offers me more “premium services” (like auctions and instant messeging! How unique and useful! Can’t find that anywhere else on the Internet!) and quietly sends reports back to headquarters about what brand of toilet paper I buy online and reconfigures very intimate and sacred bits of my system.
And you will rot SBC-Yahoo. You will rot in the deepest depth of the most hellish of hells before I click on that shiny “upgrade now or die” button. I will go back to dial-up before that. I’ll go back to snail mail- or heck, smoke signals- before I let you strongarm me into your evil plot to turn the whole world into an AOL/MSN style pit of torment.