I’m 19 and a freshman in college, and last night I had my first quote-unquote casual date. He was playing the bodhran in a Celtic jam group, there was a little eye-contact flirting, he came over to my table and we ended up walking through the park for an hour or so before I met my friends for dinner. I gave him my number, and today he called to “see what I [was] doing.”
Now, I’m four months out of a three-year-long relationship/entanglement (detailed a bit more in this thread), and I’m feeling uneasy about dating anyone casually. Or I’m just uneasy about dating this guy, because he’s friendly, but a little dull. Or I’m talking myself into not wanting to date this guy, because I don’t want to get burned again.
I don’t really feel like I want to see this guy again, though. Should I suck it up and “get out there” to try and get over The Still-Have-Lingering-Feelings-For-Him-But-He’s-A-Jerk Ex-Boyfriend? If not, how should I let this guy down? Call him back and say, “Last night was fun, but I didn’t feel a click?” I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Both my major relationships grew out of friendships, so I’ve never dated. Ever. Of course, both of those ended quite badly, so I can’t say that’s a better way to do it. But that whole game where you give a guy your number, and he calls, and you go see a movie, or have dinner together? Yeah, I have NO clue how to play.
Now, I recently signed up on a couple of internet dating sites, partly as a joke. And I’m talking to people online, getting to know them a little bit. Some of them are really great, and I’m having fun talking with them. I made a date to meet one guy for coffee this week. He’s nice, smart, cute, and seems to be a good guy.
And now I’m terrified and want to cancel. I mean panic-attack* scared*. For no reason!
So if you’re nuts, I’ll join you in the crazy house with the 15 cats I’m surely destined to have.
I’m also afraid of getting burned again. But theres a little voice (well, theres lots of voices, but thats another story ) that says I should be optimistic, because being afraid of being hurt will only leave me lonely and depressed, with no chance of happiness.
Yeah, it is normal to be a little nervous about dating. If you let that nervousness keep you from what you want to do, though, that’s not good.
If you really don’t want to see this guy, it’s gonna be obvious to him, and he’s not going to have a good time, and neither are you. Save yourselves the trouble.
You’re not alone, Tracey Lord. I’m a 19-year-old second-year and I’ve only had one boyfriend (and we were close friends before dating). Six months after breaking up, I’m only now getting over the fact that he wants nothing to do with me ever.
Similar to Antigen, I posted a profile on OKCupid jokingly. I’ve been chatting with a few people, with no plans to actually meet them offline. (Right this moment I’m talking to one of them on MSN. I just discovered that he has a strong aversion to cheese, which of course means that we can never be together.)
But I don’t know how to flirt. I wouldn’t know if someone was hitting on me. I’ve never been on a real Date with a Stranger, and know none of those chivalric conventions. My only hope is of befriending and consequently dating someone as freaked-out and inexperienced as myself who is fine with terrified randomness.
Ah, the SDMB – where there’s always several people like you! :warm fuzzies:
On the theory that networking is good, I’ve been sending “Real Friend” invitations to everyone on the SDMB who has admitted to having an OKCupid profile. If you’re interested, I’ll send you one, if you’ll tell me your username over there.
Everyone’s scared of dating. You know why? Because nobody likes getting rejected right away, dumped later, or finding themselves involved with a loser. Making yourself vulnerable to potential disappointment is the price of admission. Either get over it, or be celibate. Those are your options, in a nutshell.
I don’t really understand how people could be too upset about being rejected by someone who doesn’t even really know them that well. In fact, that’s what I like about dating- even if the person turns me down flat, or I get stood up, it is not somebody I have any kind of reputation with; I’m getting to know them, and very quickly getting to know how they feel about me, for better or worse.
It is okay to feel nervous about dating. I think people work harder at something if they feel a little nervous.
Has this guy made it clear that his interest in you is of the dating variety? Maybe he’s just looking to be friendly with someone he enjoyed himself with. If there’s no spark there’s no spark, but unless it comes down to exclusive dating, it might be nice to have a new friend.
Tracy Lord afraid of dating? But what about all those movies?
Kid, you’re looking at this the wrong way. This guy has NOTHING to do with the ex. He is himself. Make him a friend–we all need friends. If you’re hung up on the ex, talk to your new friend about it. If it makes you feel better to talk about it. How he responds to this will tell you what his potential is as anything more than a friend.
Don’t make assumptions about what his intentions are. You’re setting yourself up to be an ass. I’m getting out of a bad relationship as well–I have a couple female friends to talk to. They are making this process a lot less horrible for me, but I wouldn’t dream of “dating” them or anything else for that matter. One thing at a time.
Dating can be intimidating, but it doesn’t really sound like that’s the issue here. You described this guy as “friendly, but a little dull,” and thought about telling him that “there wasn’t a click.”
You shouldn’t be afraid to get back out there, but it should be with someone who makes your toes curl when he looks at you. Clearly, this isn’t the guy.
If you feel like you want to start dateing this guy, then go for it. But if you’re feeling really uncomfortable then maybe you just need to give yourself more time before you start seeing someone.
After my last relationship ended there was this really great guy who wanted to date, but I kept turning him down as I didn’t want to get hurt again either. But when I was ready date again, the guy was still there. We’re now engaged.
I’ve seen this repeated often… “getting burned”. Does it mean your past relationship failed spectacularly ? Or you were emotionally devastated ? What happened ?
Also if your dating… but you scared of dating… how do you act during dates ? If you actually like the guy… but you don’t want to cut him off… but you don’t want to “start a relationship”… how do you act ? You hold back a lot… avoid giving too much attention ?
Heck, I’ll give my two cents on this one. I’ve had one serious relationship ever, about 7 or 8 years ago. (which is kinda sad at 37, I definitely have dating issues) And when it ended (kinda abruptly, the guy was clinically manic/depressive), it was a revelation. I literally could not eat. I lost 15 pounds. (if anyone’s seen my photos, I look fairly slim at my current weight of 130, I was 114 after this guy and looked ill) I would burst into tears in the middle of class. The depth of my reaction amazed me, I had never been so unhappy in my entire life and all this over a guy. :rolleyes: Before this, I had never really understood the whole being afraid of “being burned” thing.
For me, being scared of dating means two things. One, I’m very reluctant to even get asked for a date so I tend to not seem very friendly in public. If a guy starts chatting me up, I turn icy. (don’t always mean to but it’s a habitual reaction and I can literally feel my face get all stiff) I’m terrified of having to tell a guy I don’t want to go out with him so I tend to completely avoid the situation. Two, on dates, I tend to be kinda distant and reluctant to involve myself in physical intimacy. I also tend to “freak out” and stop contacting the guy for almost no reason so I rarely go on more than a couple of dates with any one person.
I’m working to overcome all this. Some have suggested I see somebody but I’ve always been reluctant. Best advice I can give the OP, is to try to work through your fear while you’re still relatively young. Don’t let it drag on and become this insidious part of your personality and wind up almost forty and still petrified of dating…
It’s only been four months since you got out of a three-year relationship. It’s completely normal to be hesitant about dating again.
Still, I personally recommend going on a few dates with this guy. I think it will ease your transition back into the land of the single, simply by getting your ex out of the “last person I dated” slot. You go on a few dates with this guy, maybe nothing happens. In a month or two, you go on a few dates with some other guy, maybe nothing happens. A month or two after that, when you meet some guy you really like, it won’t be nearly so stressful than if you hadn’t dated anyone since the big breakup. You’ll just go on a few dates. Then maybe a few more, and a few more, etc.
Go on a date with this guy. Just have fun, don’t get too serious before you’re ready, and don’t hesitate to stop seeing him if you aren’t having fun. You’ll have a perfect out to stop seeing him: you really wanted to give him a chance because he seems so nice, but it turns out you’re just not ready.
One more vote for “yes, it’s normal”. Be aware, though, that it only gets harder with time: I am three years post-wrenching-breakup and am wishing that I started dating again back when I remembered how. It’s easy to forget, I find, that each new date isn’t going to inevitably lead into the same years-long emotional roller-coaster.
Yeah. I don’t know if it’s because I really haven’t actually liked the guys enough or if it’s because I don’t let myself like the guys.
OMG, yes, it bothers me. I feel so guilty and nauseous thinking about it. (which I know is so freakin’ silly, it’s not like I’m so incredibly wonderful a guy will commit hari-kiri if I don’t go out with him) That’s why I date so rarely and am so scared to date in the first place…
) that says I should be optimistic, because being afraid of being hurt will only leave me lonely and depressed, with no chance of happiness.
:warm fuzzies: