What difference does it make that we’re on an internet message board? Manners are how one interacts with other people. “Fuck you, bite me asshole” is not mannerly.
Precisely.
I don’t mean to be overly sterotypical here, but I feel this dynamic is at work too often in mother-child relationships (including my own).
Yes, your child owes you everything. Yes, you spent 24 hours in labor. No, your child could never possibly repay you the late nights, early mornings, effort, money, or lost opportunities they’ve imposed on you. Doubtless, you’ve given far more to your children than they could ever give you in return.
It isn’t necessary to let this fact overshadow every interaction you have with your children and rationalize it by the fact that you’ve given so much. Instead, continuing to behave with a modicum of politeness helps everyone get along much better.
I’m human, though I do have manners, sometimes my temper gets the best of me and I’m rude right back at a person who was rude to me. Just as you can be, right?
Well, to be fair, neither was my post. I stand by it; it was made to demonstrate a point. But, it was certainly NOT mannerly.
Well, in my humble opinion, if someone’s given you something nasty and you return in kind, I consider that a fairly tame transaction. Personally, I try really hard not to do that, although I’m sure I have (even though I’m ashamed of how I behaved that time to mssmith, but I digress), I completely understand if someone else does it. Both ways sometimes, those that start the exchange and the others that end it. I don’t believe that everyone can avoid that type of reaction all the time.
Your mileage may vary.
“Got huffy and asked me to say please” is enough of a paraphrase for me. It’s not a real reach to think a daughter would be haughty/and or bitchy towards her mother, especially if she’s a teenager. Nothing against her daughter, I’m sure she’s a lovely girl, but if she’s standing there correcting her mother’s manners she’s lucky she didn’t get a smack in the face.
Telling them this while they’re on the couch eating potato chips isn’t going to do a damn bit of good. Sure you’re right about the division of labor, but that probably isn’t going to get a lazy brat to empty the dishwasher, and certainly not right that minute.
My foster parents beat the shit out of me and it sure didn’t get them any fucking respect from me. It actually got them within inches of death by shovel. Violence never teaches respect.
Then it should go both ways.
No, her daughter shouldn’t be taking advantage of her. She should still say “please” because that’s what grownups do.
First off, I can’t imagine telling my mom to say “please”. That doesn’t compute.
But I can sympathize with the OP’s daughter if “empty the dishwasher” was said in the form of a serious command instead of a request. I would find that a bit demeaning. Just because you feel like she’s been slacking, doesn’t mean that she’s aware that she is. Yes, she should be more aware of herself. But it’s passive aggressive to bark out commands in a resentful spirit to her rather than point out your expectations in a non-confrontational manner.
And grownups also don’t get huffy, and correct another adult’s manners in a confrontational manner because they don’t want to do their part of the work. Right?
Wow. I can’t believe people are defending the daughter’s behavior! If you are living with your parents to save money, at the very least you should be contributing to household chores. If it hasn’t occured to you, and your mother makes a suggestion along those lines, the proper reaction is not “Say please.” Good Lord. I can’t even imagine answering back to my mother like that. I can’t imagine saying something like that to any adult, for that matter. That’s something you say to children when you’re still teaching them their manners. Not saying please may be rude, but reminding other people to say please is ruder, in my book.
Has anyone said household members shouldn’t contribute? Oh, but you used the word “pleasant.” Yes, I agree with you, household members should contribute to a PLEASANT environment. I suspect the OP’s daughter got away for awhile and lived among civilized people then made the mistake of expecting respect when she got home.
Quoted for truth.
Well, sure, but I don’t go spouting off about what good manners I have beforehand.
Nah, you just take others to task for theirs. 
For those of you complaining about the dynamic, and how the mother is just so completely out of line to reprimand her daughter for telling her to say please… just imagine how completely patronizing that would sound coming out of the mouth of one of your peers:
You are out at lunch with a bunch of people from your office, and would like some salt. You ask the person nearest the salt: “Pass me the salt?”. They, in total seriousness with an added tone of arrogance, turn to you and say “Say please first.”
I’m pretty sure that reply would nettle most people, and there wasn’t even the added dimension there of the person already being somewhat obliged to you. The daughter is essentially living there rent free, and as my mother always reminds me, our house is not a hotel. If I said something like that, with that tone (which, I will admit, I have done before), I wouldn’t get whipped, hit, or have violence inflicted in any way. I would, however, regret saying that greatly once I got myself out of my stubborn ass/sulky entitled teenager mindset.
My parents did and continue to do a hell of a lot for me. Emptying a dishwasher without giving them more grief is the least I can do.
Oh, for crying out loud. First, you go off on not taking shit from men as if that as fuck-all to do with the thread, then you say you don’t take shit and will give it back if you do get it, then you say “quoted for truth” when someone says you’re not supposed to correct someone for being rude to you, because I guess that makes you ruder.
You’re really out there, tonight.
I said essentially the same thing, in an earlier post. I could have said, “This bears repeating” but that isn’t where my whimsy took me. And, I posted the part about “not taking shit from men” in response to being called to task for telling Q.E.D. (a male) off via colorful language for being rude to me. I also admitted that I’m human, and not always polite, and that in fact sometimes I do lose my temper and am rude to those who are rude to me. (And, you will note, that I didn’t say “Well, that’s so rude!” to him, I told him to bite me.) That doesn’t mean I don’t have manners, nor does it mean that I cannot tell the difference between mild rudeness and blatent rudeness.
The daughter should have helped without being asked please. The mother was a little impolite. The first doesn’t excuse the latter and the latter sure as hell doesn’t excuse the former.