[right]
Dear Mr. Parody.
*Sung to the tune of Dear Mr. Fantasy *
**by Traffic **
Performed by WhatExit? [/right]
*(intro; fogger on) *
Dear Mr. Parody, post us a tune.
Something to make us all happy.
Spoof anything to take us out of this gloom.
Write a song; make it long, but not crappy.
You are the one who can make us all glad.
By doing that – we’ll break out in cheers.
We know you’re mad so post a Straight Dope ballad.
We wouldn’t say you wasted all those beers.
(really cool guitar solo)
Dear Mr. Parody, post it here soon.
Something that’s cool and not rap-py.
Choose anything, cuz we know you’re a loon.
Filk a song, make it rock, not so sappy.
You are the guy who can make us roll eyes.
And knowing that will help break down our fear.
So let’s have a blast now get off of your ass.
Cuz I’m the one who paid for you all last year.
(Refrain, fade to black)
[right]
Welcome to the Dope (Ladies & Gentlemen).
*Sung to the tune of Ladies & Gentlemen *
**by Saliva **
Performed by Ed Zotti [/right]
*(flame columns ignite, explosions of flash bombs and sirens - intro; strobe light on) *
Ladies and gentlemen please
Would you bring your attention to meek.
For a feast for your eyes to read
An explosion of hyperbole.
Like nothing you’ve ever seen before.
Watch closely when you open the forum
Your jaws will be on the floor
After this you’ll be begging for more
Welcome to the Dooope
Please log inside.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Dope! Do you want it? Dope! Do you read it? Dope! Let me near it
Ladies and gentlemen.
Dope! Do you want it? Dope! Do you read it? Dope! Let me near it
Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen good evening.
You’ve seen that Cecil is believing.
I fear that your eyes will be bleeding,
From hours of continuous reading.
Hold tight cause the show is not over.
If you will please add your post here.
You’re about to be bowled over
By the wonders you’re about to behold here.
Welcome to the Doooope (welcome to the Dooope)
Please log inside.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Dope! Do you want it? Dope! Do you read it? Dope! Let me near it
Ladies and gentlemen.
Dope! Do you want it? Dope! Do you read it? Dope! Let me near it
Ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Dope. (welcome to the Dope)
We’re glad you came along. (we’re glad you came along.)
Please log inside
Ladies and gentlemen.
Dope! Do you want it? Dope! Do you read it? Dope! Let me near it
Ladies and gentlemen.
(Flashbombs, earth shattering Ka-BOOM; cut to black)
[right]
Cat Thread Fever.
*Sung to the tune of Cat Scratch Fever *
**by Ted Nugent **
Performed by OpalCat [/right]
*(screamin’ guitar intro) *
Well I don’t know where they come from but they sure do come.
I’m surfin’ cat threads all day.
But dey shur iz real priddy and dis shur iz fun.
But what the hell do they say?
You give me cat thread fever.
Cat thread fever.
The first time that you post one make sure you add a pic.
Or risk your cat threads’ a bore.
I went to search the archive and it gave me a ton.
I think I’ll post a few more.
You give me cat thread fever.
Cat thread fever. (x3)
It’s not contagious. We feel no pain.
We kno whant ch-ch-change!
You know you got it when you’re going insane
It keeps us Dopers smilin’ - smilin’
Won’t you make my day.
(Rockin’ guitar solo)
We make the pussies talk with a type of our hands.
Cuz that’s what makes it funny.
Just know that when we’re done here kitties have some new fans.
We might make some copies.
You give me cat thread fever.
Cat thread fever.
(repeat chorus, cut to black)
[right]
Thread of Constant Borrow.
*Sung to the tune of Man of Constant Sorrow *
**by Various Artists **
Performed by Tripler (with backup singers Annie Xmas (REALTOR) and Ivylass)[/right]
*(banjo and mandolin intro) *
(Of constant borroooooow if you can’t payyyyyyy.)
Theeerrre is a threeeaaad of constant borrooow,
Where there’s gueeeeeests who cannot payyyyy.
Juuussst ask memberrrrrs and if you’re luckyyy
You’ll find someonnnne to fund your waayyyy.
(You’ll find someonnnne to fund your waayyyy)
(Doper Dancers do the Jig and backup singers square dance like the soggy bottom boys.)
Alllllll through this yeeeaaar - financial trouble.
You cannot payyyyyy – don’t start to pout.
Youuuuuu state your caaaaase - no need to ramble.
You’ll find some frieeeends to help you out.
(You’ll find some frieeeends to help you out.)
(Wicked harmonica solo by Skip Magic)
Sooooo fare thee wellllllll my good Doperrrr.
We fully expeeeeect to see you’re a hiiiiit.
Forrrrrrrr you’re bound to jooooin our internet board.
Perhaps you’ll diiiie down in the pitttt.
(Perhaps he’ll diiiie down in the pitttt.)
(Wicked cool mandolin solo)
Youuuuu can sponsor meeee my Doper brothers.
There’s many threaaaads where I may laaaand.
Thennnnn I’m bound to learrrrrn to fund another.
And I will seeeeeeek to not get bannnnnned.
(And he will seeeeeeek to not get bannnnnned.)
(Even wicked-er banjo/fiddle solo)
Mayyyyybe your friends thinnnnk I’m just a lurker,
My name you’ll neeeeverrr read no morrrrre.
Buuuuut there is one prooooomise that I’ll give ya
I’ll never beeeeeee a total borrrrre.
(He’ll never beeeee a total borrrrre.)
(All dance offstage – cut to black)
[right]
Ignorant Guy.
*Sung to the tune of ** American Pie ** *
by Don McLean
Performed by meek [/right]
*(lights dim, meek sits at the piano; plays intro) *
A long, long time ago…
I can still remember
When the posters used to make me laugh.
And I knew if I had awhile,
That I could make those people smile
And, maybe, they’d not report me to the staff.
But every Pit thread made me shiver
With every reply I’d deliver.
Board wars I’d hate the most;
I couldn’t read one more post.
I can’t remember if I cried
When I read about his wounded pride,
Then something riled me deep inside
The day amuuuuuuusement died.
So bye-bye to the ignorant guy.
The board levy was too heavy,
So the dummy said bye.
And his good ole boys were left wondering why.
Singin’, “this’ll be the day he says bye”.
“This’ll be the day he says bye.”
So when push then comes to shove,
Do you put your faith in mod above,
If the Cecil tells you so?
Do you believe in sock ’n troll?
Can music save your member soul?
And can you teach me how to type real slow?
Well, I know that you’re a little dim
`Cause I saw you postin’ on a whim.
You won’t cough up your dues.
Ya don’t dig those message board blues.
You’re a lonely teenage dumb-ass schmuck
With the IQ of a hockey puck,
And we kept asking, “what the fuck?”
The day amusement died.
We started singin’,
Bye-bye to the ignorant guy.
The board levy was too heavy,
So the dummy said bye.
And his good ole boys were left wondering why.
Singin’, “this’ll be the day he says bye”.
“This’ll be the day he says bye.”
*(Refrain, cut to black, ten-second pause)
(EARTH-SHATTERING KABOOM)
[right]
Like an Animal. (So Fucking Odd)
Sung to the tune of ** Like an Animal (Closer to God) **
by Nine Inch Nails
WARNING. YouTube link is funnier than this song.
Also audio is NSFW.
Performed by Hal Briston [/right]
(throbbing bass intro) *
You make me violate rules.
You make me desecrate you.
You said I penetrate ewes.
You make me wanna hate you.
Help me
Rant about your replies,
Help me
This dead horse starts to smell.
Help me
Why must you be a jerk to me?
Help me get away from this hell.
I want to pit you like an animal.
I want to feel you burning inside.
I want to pit you like an animal.
Your whole existence is flawed.
You can be so fucking odd!
(Spectacular laser light show)
You don’t help my information.
You can shove that link that you bring.
You can shove that reference to sheep,
You can shove most everything.
Help me.
Tear down your reasons,
Help me.
Your socks I can smell!
Help me.
You think you’re perfect.
Why not pick on somebody else?
I want to pit you like an animal.
I want to feel you burning inside.
I want to pit you like an animal!
Your whole existence is flawed.
You can be so fucking odd!
(flash bombs, flame bursts, cut to black)
[right]
Post on the Dope All Day
*Sung to the tune of ** Bang on the Drum All Day ** *
**by Todd Rundgren **
Performed by lieu [/right]
*(really far out kazoo and organ intro) *
I don’t want to lurk
I want to post on the Dope all day.
I just want to play
Just want to post on the Dope all day
Ever since I was a tiny boy
I looked for a website
For me to enjoy
I found the Dope and my old keyboard, man
I bang on that thing ‘til I got
Blisters on my hand
because
I don’t want to lurk.
I want to post on the Dope all day. (Yes I do)
I just want to play
Just want to post on the Dope all day
When I’m at work - I think its so cool
To tell the board that my boss is a tool.
He caught me posting on the Dope at my desk.
Now my firewall says its now blocking my access.
I don’t want to lurk.
I want to post on the Dope all day.
I just want to play.
Just want to post on the Dope all day.
(Totally bitchin’ bass solo)
(Repeat Chorus)
(Listen to this)
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated
My boss is a jerk.
I pit my boss and said I wish he was dead.
I see him join and then reply to my thread.
(Everybody!)
I don’t want to lurk
I want to post on the Dope all day.
I just want to play
Just want to post on the Dope all day
I can do this all day…
(Repeat chorus fading to black)
[right]
I Want New Fonts Please
Sung to the tune of ** I Want You to Want Me.* *
**by Cheap Trick **
Performed by Sauron [/right]
(Hundreds of teeny-boppers crash the gates and flood the front of the stage)
*(flash explosion, gnarly guitar intro) *
We want new fonts please.
We need new smilies.
We’d love new hot keys.
We beg you to get these.
I want new fonts please.
I need you to read me.
We’d love it so Jer-ryyyy,
Just shine up a new version, put on some brand-new bling.
You’ll get folks that lurk to stay - and be members.
Didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I read you’re tryin’?
Oh, didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I read you’re tryin’?
Feelin’ all alone, are you hopin’ this thing was dyin’?
Oh, didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I read you’re tryin’?
(Everybody sing along!)
We want new fonts please. (x4)
(Refrain; flash explosions, cut to black)
[right]
Sweet Emoticon
*Sung to the tune of **Sweet Emotion ** *
**by Aerosmith **
Performed by ChiefScott [/right]
*(sweet bass and twisted guitar intro) *
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet emoooooooo-ticon
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet emoooooooo-ticon
Ya post 'bout things that nobody cares
Ya wearin’ out topics nobody shares
I’m callin’ you lame but I wanna make it clear
That it’s meant as a joke 
and not said with a sneer. :rolleyes:
We used to have an icon with a face and a “Putz”
But they put it away ‘cuz that dude turned nuts.
Well I got good news - this really makes my day
Cuz’ we got one lookin’ like it gives a BJ. :o
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet emoooooooo-ticon
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet emoooooooo-ticon
Caught up in a pit thread smiley war
The moddy said I took it just a little too far.
You’re yelling me things in a mad reply.
You can’t pit me ’cause the thread done died.
Yes it did.
Wish there was a smiley for kickin’ your ass.
One vomitin’ or drinkin’ from a glass.
Talk about something and so we all understand,
Add sweet emoticons an’ I’ll be eating from your hand.
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet emoooooooo-ticon
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet emoooooooo-ticon
- (fade out)
[right]
Only My Threads Die Young.
*Sung to the tune of ** Only the Good Die Young ** *
by Billy Joel
Performed by meek [/right]
*(lights dim, meek sits at the piano; plays intro) *
Come out good people, don’t let me wait,
Your pity reply’s coming much too late.
Aw I’m starting to think it’s me that you hate.
My threads folks seem to shun.
Well they showed me a forum, told me to stay.
I posted a boob and they locked it away.
But they never told me the price that I’d pay,
For shit that I might have done.
Only my threads die young.
That’s what I said.
Only my threads die young.
Only my threads die young.
I might’ve heard that you are a dangerous crowd.
My post count party wasn’t allowed.
Was my CAPS LOCK sounding a bit too loud?
But replies never seem to come.
So come on good people show me a sign
Send me a message and type out a line.
So post a reply and get off your behind
Do my threads burn like the sun?
Darlin’ only my threads die young.
(woah woah woah woah woah )
I tell ya, only my threads die young.
Only my threads die young.
I got a nice cite moddy and a web site confirmation!
Oooo I got a brand new soul.
Mmmm, it’s a thread of gold.
But my sources - they didn’t give me quite enough information.
Hope you didn’t count on me
‘Cuz I was quoting from my memory
(oh woah woah)
They say there’s a reply for those who will wait.
Just post anything and I’ll say it’s great.
Is my thread a winner? Will it drop like a weight?
The winners are much more fun.
You know that only my threads die young.
Oh woah baby yeah
I tell ya
Only my threads die young. (x2)
(best sax EVAR!)
You say the mods told you all I give is bad information!
Wow, did they ever swear at me!
Now there’s not a prayer for me. (Oh no no)
Come out good Dopers and don’t let me wait,
Bump up my threads before its too late
I’ll remember to post dope that is straight.
But the post count remains at one.
You know that only my threads die young.
(Repeat, fade to black
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooo [sup]oooooooooo…[/sup]
(Fireworks - curtain closes)
.
