SDMB Ongoing Depression Support Thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
501

Welcome. I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better. ECT can be pretty effective, but so can making big changes in your life when things aren’t working. It’s probably a little of both.

I tried playing Torchlight 2 today and reading my Kindle (it is my day off, after all, comp time for working last weekend.) It was hard to enjoy any of it. After napping on and off, I finally did my workout of the day and took a shower, and was starting to feel better until my husband came home and asked me to make dinner. (It is my day to cook, I won’t deny it.) But I was like, ''Auuuughghg don’t you realize how much effort it took me just to load the dishwasher today?!!"

502

Thanks for the words, guys. Especially what you wrote, Heart of Dorkness. I have to keep reminding myself that no one sees me like I see myself. And I do have to start having as much compassion for myself as I do for other people. That is good advice.

503

Thanks Olivemarch4th, you are very compassionate and I think that’s a great thing to be. I’m sorry that you continue to struggle, I understand how accomplishing a seemingly small thing like doing your workout and then taking a shower is a HUGE accomplishment but others don’t appreciate it. How could they if they don’t suffer from depression? But we can hope that they’ll be compassionate and understanding, and that can be hard or them. We (depressed people) certainly cause our loved ones lots of angst and I constantly worry that my support system (great, right now) will disappear once people become fed up. Is that what you’re feeling?

504

I’ve come to this thread late so please forgive me if I skimmed 11 pages - I will read all 11 eventually because I care.
I just wanted to address the ‘imposter syndrome’ that I’ve seen referenced (though not by that name). I too, felt I was a total failure at my job, even though I would get great annual reviews and be promoted, I felt that I had managed to fool everyone. This became so bad that I quit going to work. I finally tried to kill myself but it was more complicated than ‘I hate my job’. Since I’ve talked about it I’ve found that this feeling is not uncommon. But it doesn’t feed people’s depression like it did mine.

505

For the first few weeks of my new job, the first job I’ve had in nearly five years and the first since immigrating to the UK, I felt like a complete fraud. I was certain that as soon as they saw the quality of my work, they would say “Well, we obviously shouldn’t have hired HER” and I would be back on jobseeker’s and back on the stupid work programme and at that point I probably would have given up entirely. I was terrified that someone would find out that I couldn’t do the job and I felt like I was about to collapse from the fear and stress.

The CEO was away for the first three weeks I was there, so I was under the supervision of the operations manager. As his return date got closer and closer, I got more and more scared that he’d look at what I’d done so far and see what a failure I was. Two nights before the day he came back and we had a meeting scheduled to talk about where I was on my project so far, I dreamed all night about going to work and everything I tried to do going wrong. Very similar to the dream I had before starting the job where I couldn’t manage to get there on time and couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to be doing. I hate dreams, I really do.

Then he came back and we met to talk about what I was working on, and I found out that we’re very much on the same page when it comes to where we want the project to go and that everyone thinks I’m doing really well so far and they’re all so willing to help me get my feet under me and answer all the stupid questions I have and even some I haven’t been smart enough to ask yet. Just thinking about how kind and friendly and supportive everyone has been is making me tear up.

I went out to buy some safety boots the other day for my risk assessment training, and when I came back to the office, I couldn’t get out of my car because there were groups of schoolkids walking through the parking lot. They weren’t harassing me in any way, they were just going back to school after a field trip or something, they even had teachers with them.

They were talking and laughing and just being normal happy kids, and I sat in my car and trembled with fear and anxiety until they were all gone. Every time I thought they were all past and I could get out of my car, another group came by. It feels so stupid to be afraid of children in groups, but ever since I got mugged by those few wee bastards while I was fiddling on the street last year, I have anxiety attacks whenever I encounter a group of young people. It’s not rational, I KNOW it’s not rational, but knowing that doesn’t stop me feeling it.

Anyway, when I finally managed to leave my car and go back into the office, everyone immediately noticed how upset I was, and when I told them what happened they said “Oh honey!” and hugged me and asked if I needed anything and were just as concerned and solicitous as they could possibly be. I try to be as low-maintenance as possible, so I never accept when people ask if anyone wants a tea or coffee from the kitchen or anything from the store, and that day wasn’t any different. I just drank some water and took a break for a while so I could calm down.

They’ve all been very supportive of my disability too, asking polite questions about the fibro and showing sympathy when I answer with details about my symptoms, and the CEO always makes a point of noticing if I seem a bit stiff or sore and telling me to go stretch my legs or take a break or something. I don’t take breaks very often, I get so engrossed in what I’m doing that I forget, and I eat at my desk so I haven’t even been taking the mandatory half-hour lunch break I’m supposed to have. But I do try to get out of the office for a bit of a walk in the afternoon if weather permits, to get my blood moving and get some fresh air.

I forget the point of this post, it’s turned into a bit of a ramble. I guess it started out commiserating about the “feeling like a fraud” thing, especially since if I did turn out to be a failure at this, it would mean disaster for me and PaulParkhead. I feel like I have the responsibility of our entire universe on my shoulders right now, and am just so grateful that the job I have is so great and the people I work with are so splendid and supportive. I wish everyone could find a niche so appropriate.

And I’m grateful to my wee laddie for picking up the slack at home now that I’m not around to do the bulk of the household chores. It’s so nice to come home and find clean clothes and clean dishes and a clean bathroom or floor or whatever else he’s done that day. And I’m grateful to his parents for making this job possible by finding us a decent used car and gifting it and a year’s worth of insurance to us, without which it just couldn’t have happened at all, at all. And all the other generosities they’ve shown us. I’m just so glad that I don’t have a seemingly valid excuse to end it all. That I can and will keep going and not destroy the lives of my loved ones by destroying myself.

506

Hey, all, new to the thread, but I’m really struggling today, and I just need somewhere to get my feelings out.

Long history short… My husband and I got married about five and a half years ago, we have never had a fairy-tale relationship. I’ve had un-diagnosed dysthemia that started around that time. I’ve been struggling with it off-and-on since I was a teenager (I’m 30 now). About a year into our marriage, I got laid off from the very good job I’d had - and it was mostly my fault (They made some pretty huge mistakes in my training, but if I had done things differently I probably could have come out ok in the end, and not been laid off when the opportunity came) that was at the beginning of the recession, and I spent about two years unemployed. My husband took up a call center job (he had been unemployed for a year before that, waiting for some magical opportunity), and was extremely resentful of me loosing my good job and really disliked his job. Eventually, unemployment ran out so I took a job at the same call center. He was in management at the time. Around that time, someone who had been (in hindsight) quite actively perusing me romantically talked me into going a little further with him than I intended, and I ended up being entangled with him. My husband took a new, great job, and a few months later found out about the affair. That was two years ago. I immedietly ended contact with the other guy (I had been trying to break up with him for several months, actually, but a combination of fear and manipulation had gotten in the way). My husband was devastated, angry, and I was not in a great emotional place, either. I seriously considered suicide at that point , and decided against mostly out of fear of my husband being angry if I failed (A thought pattern, I realize, that is odd and not uncommon for depression). We tried counseling, dropped out, we tried self-help books, they tended to fizzle quickly. Our relationship was shitty - we both really wanted it to work, but it just wasn’t happening. We tried counseling again. This counseler really pushed for me to do some individual therapy and give the anti-depressants a try. I finally caved (I had been on something when I was unemployed, and I hated the way it made me feel totally affectless), and they were a miracle drug. I spent a few weeks with a roller coaster of emotions - super high, crazy high energy, crashing out… it was weird. But by January of this year, I was actually… doing ok. I was laughing a lot, joking around, and I was doing a lot of the changes that my husband had asked for… gaming with him more, trying to do my own thing and not rely on others, taking ownership of my mistakes and my emotions.

But he was getting… worse with me. It’s hard to describe. He was pulling away emotionally and physically, getting sulkey and varried between being minimally responsive and snapping angrily. We were back in counseling, and at one session our counceler asked us to write out three things that the other person can do to make us feel loved. He stared at the paper for ten minutes before he finally said “I can’t think of anything.” The counceler pointed out that THIS was a very different problem than having a bad marriage. My husband moved out that day. That was six weeks ago.

Life has been… weird, since then. We are, on paper, doing a trial separation. He’s got a small apartment, I’m still living in the house. We’ve only had one conversation about our relationship, and that ended in a big fight. I’m pretty sure he’s hurting about things, because he’s not talking about them (his usual method for dealing with things). I’m doing my best to try to be an empowered single, modern woman… but a lot of times, I just feel lonely, guilty, angry, and sad. What’s weird is that I feel really great about me and myself - the drugs are doing their job in that way - but overwhelmed and angry and sad about my relationship.

Today, a lot of things are just coming crashing down. Yesterday, I went to the zoo alone. I love zoos, and I don’t get to go very often. I was doing my best to feel empowered and taking care of myself and doing things I like… and I mostly felt lonely and rejected. I’ve asked three different people if they’d like to go on a hike with me next weekend, and they’ve all said no, because it’s too early or too far or just… no. I had one friend who promised me last weekend that she was going to do some crafting stuff iwth me this week, and she never called, never called, and when I messaged her today… oh, she was out with her mom. Another friend had promised - really, she means it this time! - that she was going to help me dig out a garden this afternoon, after bailing for weeks. And half an hour ago, she messaged me, “Oh, the weather doesn’t look good for outside stuff, why don’t we drink wine and watch a movie?” First of all, no it doesn’t, you’re just being a lazy ass, second of all, we just had a discussion about how I’m trying to drink less just a few weeks ago. And my husband? He’s off at an event this weekend, didn’t even bother to mention anything about rescheduling weekly date night (although, I suppose in his defense, neither did I).

So, here I am, sitting in my office, sobbing. I can’t call my mom, she’s been really unsupportive lately (She is angry that I’m not doing things exactly as she says I ought to, and we had a really big blow-out fight about it), my sister is at a party and is not really good at being supportive, either (she wants to be, she’s just really bad at relationships and even worse about listening or giving advice about them). All my other friends I’m close enough to to talk to these things about are either out of town at events, or sick, or at work. I feel alone, rejected, and misunderstood. This is the most depressed I’ve felt in a long time, and it sucks.

507

I am very fortunate to have a lot of support, especially from my husband, who is a behavioral psychologist and often helps motivate me to do things when I am feeling down. He just hadn’t realized what a hard time I’d been having that day.

Sehmket, I know that nothing I can say will change your circumstances, but I do want you to know I read your post and am listening. It sounds like you have a lot of your own stuff to work out before you even get to the marriage part. Maybe the same is for your husband. You may feel alone, but you’re not. Not only do you have us, you do have friends who may not be aware of just how badly you’re feeling right now. And they won’t know, unless you reach out to them and let them know you’re hurting.

Finally, I doubt you live in North Jersey, but if you do, I’d gladly hike with you. I’ve recently taken up hiking in my attempt to live a more active lifestyle, and I love it!

508

Sehmket, I really have nothing to offer you except an ear. It’s distressing to hear that your friends aren’t supporting you. Do they know how badly you’re hurting? I had a hard time asking for help before my suicide attempt but after that I could ask and accept the help that was offered. When people realized the state I was in they were (and still are) all over me. Maybe your friends don’t realize how dire your situation is? Not everyone can deal with a depressed person straight on, in fact most people can’t - but I at least enjoy a huge level of support in just having my friends and family constantly calling me and inviting me to meet up - you’re clearly not getting that from your friends. What’s the worst that could happen if you came clean and told them how much you’re suffering and that you need them? Would they freeze you out? Maybe there are one or two people you could trust enough to confide in, and maybe they would actively support you.

509

I had my first class today. I’ve been out of school for over a year because of my depression and eating disorder, and I’m sorry that I keep bringing it up, but this has been my life for the past year.

I should have been more social. Everyone else was like instant best friends, and I felt uncomfortable butting in to their conversations. I know they were seeing me as antisocial, and I kept trying to think of a graceful way to include myself without looking like a selfish clod. My mind kept screaming, Say something. Why don’t you say something and act normal, you stupid pig? And I was blank, frozen: the world was moving on without me and I was unable to keep up.

Then we had to do a worksheet in one of our multiple handouts and I couldn’t find the sheet for that. I was leafing through ever gmn packet trying to find the stupid sheet and I couldn’t and I was panicking because I somehow forgot to get the right worksheet? How could I be so stupid? Everyone else was doing theirs and the teacher would be going over the results any minute now and how could I be so GMN STUPID? I had to go to the teacher and tell her (I was near tears at this point) that I was too stupid to get the right worksheet [no, those weren’t the words I used] and she had to look for an extra copy. It took a few minutes: long enough for me to realize what a huge inconvenience I posed.

I didn’t’ get the sheet done in time. Moreover, everyone else had noticed what a freaking headcase I was. They were kind of avoiding me afterwards. For group assignments we had to share a book and I asked a group member if she wanted me to Xerox our chapter, and she said “Oh, no thanks,” in a tone that sounded like, “Better stay away from this mental headcase or she’ll bite my head off. What a freak.”

I’ve got to call my parents and tell them how poorly I handled everything. I’m dreading it. I didn’t even want to go back to school; I’m only doing it so the money I already spent for this doesn’t go to waste. I don’t have the mental energy to do the coursework or take on any challenges. I just want to hole up in my apartment and spend the rest of my days reading and staying out of everyone’s way. I’m so f***ing tired of trying and failing, trying and failing. I’m fooling myself in thinking this pattern will ever change, and I know it’s my fault: I don’t “want it” enough.

510

I forgot to add that I ran into my teacher soon afterwards. She asked my how I was, because I was so obviously distressed in class. I told her that I had been out for over a year because of depression and anxiety and this was my first class back in over a year. I wasn’t going to tell her that; I didn’t want her thinking I was trying to make excuses for not working hard enough. (Though, inwardly, I confess that’s what I did want.) I had just catered to my stupid and selfish whims. I feel like I’m moving backwards, becoming weaker and more self-indulgent every day. I just can’t seem to yank myself out of this pathetic state.

Thanks for reading/listening.

511

Renifer, I feel for you.

I don’t have any great words of wisdom or advice. The only thing I can say is that nothing is ever permanent. Things WILL change. They will get worse, and then they will get better. Sometimes because of stuff you do and sometimes that’s just how it works out. But you just have to hold on and wait for it to come. I hate hopey-changy rhetoric, but sometimes that’s all we have to hold onto.

Last week around this time, I felt great. I felt gratitude for everything, and I felt like saying “I love you, man” to the universe.

Then a couple of days later, I was crying and wishing for death and destruction. I had to bail out of work because it was just too much.

Now I’m back to feeling good and remembering how temporary pain usually is.

When I’m in the pain I can never seem to remember this.

512

Well, your teacher was obviously concerned. She CARED! Is it possible that some people who are more closely associated with you might care also? Maybe close family or friends that you haven’t reached out to before?

513

Thanks for the support, Olivesmarch and Zago. I decided I wasn’t helping sitting in the office, so I managed to take myself outside and work on some back-breaking gardening (I feel a lot more comfortable with plants than people a lot of the time, and doing hard labor means I can’t think as much), and took my friend up on wine and movie. I’m feeling better now than I was this afternoon.

Zago, most of my friends are pretty good most of the time, but it was just one of those quirks of life where most all of them were legit busy on a day when emotion hit me like a freight train. Also, most of my friends aren’t outdoors types, while they like supporting me, there’s only so much physical activity they can handle - as this is a guided four-mile hike in medium-rough terrain, it’s a little far outside their comfort zone. Normally, it’s the sort of thing my husband would be all about doing, but he’s not really doing too many activities with me these days.

514

Sehmket, I’m glad you’re feeling better. It sucks when it feels like everyone’s ignoring or avoiding you, and doubly so when you’re on your own emotional roller coaster. I’ll just parrot what a lot of people here have said; we’re willing to listen, and to lend support.

Renifer, might I offer a word or two of advice? It’s something that’s helped me before when I’m feeling like an utter failure at life.
Sit down for a moment and envision a friend sitting near you. Someone whom you like, and whom you have a rapport with. If you have problems doing that at the moment (and depression can make it hard, I know), just think of me sitting there. Only perhaps taller and better-looking. Now… Imagine the friend telling you exactly what you’ve told us.
What would you say to them?
I’m betting it’s not “You’re right, you’re doing terrible.”
Just say what you’d say to a friend. Say what you’d say to anyone you cared about. Then say it to yourself.

Depression makes a lot of us self-loathe, and when we do that, we treat ourselves worse than we’d expect any other human being to be treated.

I’ve said it before here, and I’ll no doubt say it again. Depression’s a tricky bastard, and he knows how best to hurt us because he -is- us. He doesn’t fight fair. And he’s the enemy.

Don’t listen to the f*cking enemy. He’s lying. Even if you can’t recognize that right now, trust me, it’s the truth.

And Monstro’s right. Things will change. Things won’t always be this way. Worst comes to worst, you have people like us rooting for you, who have your back if you’ll let us.

turns around

And that goes for all of you. We’re here. We’ll help if we can, even if it’s just listening. Because you’re worth more than depression tells you you are.

Depression lies. Depression is the enemy. We are your friends.

Don’t ever forget.

515

We can’t always rely on friends, they have complicated lives of their own. But I would expect my husband to be there for me - of all people! ff you can’t rely on your husband, is there a friend or two that you can confide in? If they can’t hike with you is there anything they could do with you that would help? It’s likely that your friends don’t understand how bad your situation is and you don’t want to have something like a suicide attempt to call attention to it.

516

Just came across this thread, and it sounds helpful. I’ve been dysthymic since college, only diagnosed about a decade ago. I’m on Wellbutrin, and it seems to help.

I too hate “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” mantras, but I do have one that seems to help: when I start getting depressive thoughts, I say to my self, “Okay, your brain is lying to you.”

Also I run, which definitely helps; a few miles in and my brain says “What, you thought you were miserable when you were lying in bed not wanting to get up? Betcha you wish you were back there now, huh? This, this is misery!”

517

I always fail when it comes to arguing against my depressive voice.

When I challenge myself on self-loathing thoughts, my brain comes back with “The truth hurts, doesn’t it?”

Or it says, “You don’t have a problem believing the good things I tell you, even if they’re all clearly crap. But now when I’m only pointing out reality, you call me delusional. You can’t have it both ways.”

I NEVER want to acknowledge that it’s just my depression talking. I don’t want to admit to being suckered by delusions.

518

With my life going into the dumpster, I fear I may be headed towards depression again.

519

Oh Monstro and EmilyG,
I feel for you, I really do. I’m afraid I have little to offer in the way of help. I’m in a similar state except that I do, apparently have the ability to care or wouldn’t be posting. Please seek out support groups whether it be family, friends or a group of strangers organized by your therapist.

520

I go to a class which is for messed-up-in-the-head people like me. So talking to my teacher and my classmates can help.