Sea Stories

No, not actually “sea stories”. Rather, this is a thread for posting nautically-themed jokes. I’ll start with this old chestnut…

IN THE DAYS OF WOODEN SHIPS AND IRON MEN a young lad signs aboard a vessel in search of adventure in the form of a two-year voyage to the South Seas. Upon clearing the headland, the young man runs to the Captain.

“Captain!” he says, “There are no women aboard the ship!”

“That’s true,” replies the Captain. “What’s your point?”

“Well, sir,” the lad says, “Our voyage will last for two years, and there are no women aboard the ship!

“Ah,” says the Captain. “I think I understand your concerns. You’re a strapping young buck, and you need sexual release. Never fear. We have a solution. Do you see that barrel on the deck?”

“Aye, sir.”

“And do you see the bunghole in the side of it?”

“Aye, sir.”

“We use that. As you are not presently on duty, go give it a try.”

The young man goes to the barrel and boffs the bunghole. Satisfied, he returns to the captain.

“Captain!” he says, “That was great! I’m going to do that every day!”

“Well, lad, you may do it every day except for Thursday.”

“Why main’t I do it on Thursday?” askes the youth.

“Because,” replies the Captain, “Thursday is your day in the barrel!”

Not really a sea story but it does mention part of a boat.

A lumber mill was in need of a new lumber grader and an ad was placed in a local paper. The next morning a blind man walks in and announces he was there to apply for the lumber grader job. The owner of the mill did not believe a blind man could work as a lumber grader but decided to test him anyway.

They went to the lumber grading area and the owner placed a board in front of the blind man. He took a whiff of the board and announced it was #2 pine, had 3 knots and was slightly warped. The owner was amazed, the blind man was right. Another board was placed in front of the blind man, he took a whiff and announced it was red oak, came from a 100 year old tree and was furniture quality. Again, the owner was surprised, the blind man was right again.

The owner wasn’t ready to hire the blind man yet and decided to give him one more test. He had his secretary undress and lay down on the testing table. The blind man took a whiff and had a puzzled look on his face. "Hmm, I’m not sure about this one, flip it over for me. The secretary rolled over and the blind man took another whiff. The blind man smiled and said that the owner was trying to trick him. “This board is used, it used to be part of a shit house door on a tuna fishing boat.”

MEN, Men Men,
It’s a ship all full of Men!
You’ll never have to lift the seat,
It’s a ship all full of men!

DrMemory: I have that on a cassette somewhere. (Taped it off of The Dr. Demento Show about 20 years ago.)