Second Life, for anyone that doesn’t know, is a PC game (not quite a game, more like a virtual world) where people can create a character, create a home, interact with other (real) people throughout the world…
Let’s say you are in a committed relationship, and your partner builds a character that looks just like him/her, except maybe in better shape and dressed more provocatively. He/She then proceeds to go to virtual dance clubs that are somewhat adult oriented. It is unclear if he/she did anything in those virtual clubs other than dance…
Would this behavior be perfectly acceptable for you given it’s just a game or would you find it at least moderately disrespectful?
That’s a very personal judgment to make. If a person feels they are being disrespected by their SO then they need to have a discussion about behavior and expectations. If it were to happen in my relationship I would be more leery of a significant emotional interaction than some avatar getting naked for laughs. I’ve never encountered this problem, but I think that I would treat any online nookie in a video game to be more similar to reading porn than I would cheating.
I don’t know if it is a violation of the relationship, it would depend on the understanding the partners have of it.
For me, I would think it was pretty weird behavior. I assume any cyber sex partner is really a 14 y.o. boy pretending to be whatever. Mostly, I would find it just tragically tacky.
I think it’s a nice example of the new categories of behavior made possible by networked computers that probe the gray area between cheating and not cheating. I note that the gray area also depends on the understanding the partners have of their relationship. Madmonk28, is the relationship what you meant by “it”, in which case I am echoing your sentiment?
I actually cheated, myself, in this sense, when I was having a long term ongoing discussion with somebody else in a discussion forum on Compuserve and realized I was getting flirtatious, which I didn’t consciously plan. I really don’t want to cheat and am generally pleased that that aspect of my life is not a problem, so I cut it off and told Mrs. Napier, who seemed maybe a tiny bit amused I bothered to tell her.
I look at these things as a very mild form of cheating for typical couples, and think most typical couples have mild forms of cheating on and off throughout their relationships. Older examples would include flirting.
There is another interesting area. What about one member of a couple looking at other people specifically because they are sexually attractive or thinking about other people as sex partners? I mean fantasizing, not considering. Is this a kind of cheating that doesn’t involve anybody else? Or is it a kind of cheating where the other peson in the cheating relationship has no idea they are in it? Or is it not any kind of cheating at all? Not that there is any kind of analog of this situation on the internet…
Who cares if it crosses some magical, nebulous boundary into the Land of Cheating. All that matters is whether or not it makes the other partner feel bad. If it does, it either needs to stop or there needs to be some major discussion allowing the hurt partner to view it in a different light so as to not be bothered by it anymore. If neither of those things happen, resentment will just build and build until it eats the relationship from the inside out.
For me personally, it would depend on how far it went. If there were actual cybersex (typing out of sexual scenarios and/or mutual masturbation) going on, I wouldn’t tolerate it. Either stop it now or we’re done, no exceptions. If it were only what you described, virtual “dancing”, I’d still be kind of irritated and would definitely express that. It’s one thing to roleplay a character, but if you’re really just playing yourself, I think that whatever you do kind of reflects a social need you have in your real life that isn’t being met. If my girlfriend were online “dancing” with strangers, I would have to wonder what need that were satisfying for her. If it got to the point that she was spending time online with strangers preferentially to spending time with me, whether or not there was any actual cheating going on, my alarm bells would be going off.
A person can be happily married, desire no change or infidelity, and still miss when he or she went out and attracted attention from others. Conquest is not a concept limited to men. There is nothing like walking into a room and knowing that there is a bunch of people who would just love to get you in bed, and that goes for either sex.
If the spouse in question is just indulging in a bit of nostalgia for a time that, in fact, may never have been (things aren’t what they used to be, and they probably never were), it’s a good idea to be aware of it, so as to ensure that the urge doesn’t go beyond a computer game. But it may easily be a harmless blowing off of steam. The OP might want to try being a bit more assiduous in his/her own attentions, as well as, of course, talking it over.
Aren’t these two concepts mutually exclusive?
Seriously though,
I don’t consider it “cheating”. I mean if it is then why not in for a penny in for a pound and I can just go have actual sex? But as with any activity, if you are spending so much time at it that it is taking away from actual real world relationships, then you might want to address that.
And no, Second Life, Sims3, MMO games like WarCraft are not “real world” in any sense of the word. In all these games you are playing as a fictionalized avatar of yourself in an imaginary fantasy world. You are being what you want to be, not what you actually are.
Hmm, I think I take a looser stance on this than many other couples on here. I wouldn’t care, as long as it didn’t take ALL his time away from me. And at the same time, I’m fine with webcamming with other people, it’s just kind of fun to be an exhibitionist with other people sometimes. It would be weird to do with someone I know well IRL, though.
Well it’s fun watching exhibitions Unless your a BEAR like my male cousin that is.
PS out of all the things I could have had my first post for it was this lol. I love the SDMB!!! I registered to reply to one of Cecil’s columns but never ended up activating in time to post and forgot about it for awhile.
Well it depends. Is the other partner being disrespected? Are they being loved, taken care of, and not neglected? If so, this isn’t a problem, not to me anyway.
I also think the Internet is a good place to take care of some things that you couldn’t/wouldn’t/shouldn’t do in real life. Maybe instead of being jealous, the partner could also make a sign-on and join in?
De Gustibus*, eh? I can’t make myself think of flirting as cheating in the slightest. Same with the OP’s situation. Now, if, in either case, this behaviiour happened instead of affection for the partner, then you’d have a case. That’s cheating to me - alienation of affections.
a.) To answer the OP - Yes, I’d consider it a form of cheating and a breach of trust in a relationship. That said, I think there are degrees from harmless occassional flirting to full blown physical and emotional affairs. This would probably fall on the lower end of that range.
b.) I’d probably be uninterested in dating someone who was into Second Life. I find it unlikely I’d date a person who maintained an online “life” in Second Life or other forms of similar online “community”.
I believe cheating is defined by the expectations of the people in the relationship. There is no line that divides “cheating” from “not cheating” for all people and all relationships. So, if you’re looking to find out whether this is cheating in your relationship, I couldn’t possibly begin to tell you.
In my own marriage, I do not think this would be cheating. Since my wife and I are pretty completely open to each other, I would expect she would tell me about it. If she kept this a secret from me, it would raise concerns, but it still wouldn’t be cheating.
This is the best general answer. If you are in a monogamous relationship you in effect have an informal contract regarding behavior. This contract will be different between couples, based on their own lifestyle choices and philosophies about commitment. For some people any willful continued flirting such as this “Second Life” behavior would be considered a betrayal. Other people couldn’t care less, and it would take a lot more to be a problem.
I think it is pretty important that both people in the relationship be on the same page regarding this contract, otherwise there will be unpleasant issues. It isn’t going to help if you’re totally okay with doing this if your significant other has other ideas. Definitely good to have a conversation about this if there is any ambiguity.