"Secret Meanings" behind a gift?

This may seem like a trite request into getting some insight on human psychology, and I know I’m not a regular poster here, but bear with me … it’s a pretty simple question that I’d just like to get some opinions on. First, some dramatic expository. I know, I know, everyone hates it, but it’s necessary for some background. :slight_smile:

I recently received a gift from a former girlfriend who I still maintain contact with. We’ve mutually agreed to be friends, even though I’d much rather it be more. She’s quite easily labelled as a bitch because she’s so stubborn, dogmatic about her beliefs, and doesn’t talk directly about what’s on her mind – instead choosing to hint at things and give mixed psychological signals, whether about a conversational topic or our friendship. Lately she’s been pretty forward with the physical flirtations when we see each other every few weeks … nudges, pokes, pinches, etc. We still have good times as friends but those moments make me unsure of how to act or respond. I just play it up and go along with it so as to not turn it into an awkward moment between us. I like to keep things lighthearted so as to not put either of us in an uncomfortable moment.

Moving on, she gave me this gift as a souvenir from a trip she went on recently. She’s never really given me any gifts, so it came as a surprise. Not an expensive gift by any means, but she is the type (like I said) to have a hidden meaning or motive behind the subtle things she does. The gift was nothing more than a primitive wooden fork and spoon bound in twine (she went to the Dominican Republic). Initially, I thought it was a cute gift – it’s the thought that counts, right? – and didn’t give it a second thought. I looked at them again today and it occurred to me that there may be a message hidden in this gift. The first thing that sprang to my mind was “does she want me to ask her to a nice dinner?” Sure, we’ve had “dinner dates” several times since we agreed to be “just friends”, but this gift seems oddly suggestive.

I apologize for all the personal drama, I don’t really like typing it much more than anyone really enjoys reading it, and maybe I’m looking too far into this … but she’s the only girl I still love to spend time with because she never ceases to surprise me with her unpredictably bittersweet edge. She’s never really been this forward since we parted ways, so I can’t help but wonder. I’m only trying to figure this out because I know her well enough to know that she must have some ulterior motive! Maybe she’s waiting for my reaction? Waiting to see if I got the hint? Anyone else agree, disagree, or just think I’m being an idiot and wasting my time giving this any thought? :smiley:

Either way, I’d welcome any psychological or personal insight.

Thanks for reading,
Martin

An apology …

I will post this to the MPSIMS forum instead … I’m not that familiarized with the forum layout so I apologize in advance for asking a question that can’t be answered “factually” in this forum. :smack: :wink:

Waaaaaait! Don’t cross post. Use the Report Posy feature and ask a friendly moderator to move it for you. And welcome to the boards. :slight_smile:

No, don’t report flowers. Report Post. Sheesh.

LOL … flowers. I like flowers. Too late anyway, I already cross-posted, hehe. ::puts flame retardant suit on:: Maybe I’ll get double the responses now, which I sorely need since I doubt anyone’s gonna wanna touch this post!

anamnesis, cross-posting is prohibited on these boards.

From the Registration Agreement:

Further, General Questions is for questions with factual answers. Your questions cannot be answered factually, as you yourself have noted.

The correct forum for this thread would be IMHO. The forum where you can ask for opinions, guidance, advice, etc.

Next time, if you think you’ve posted your question to the wrong forum, use the “Report this post to a moderator” link at the bottom right of your post and request a moderator to move it for you.

Please read the forum descriptions on this page carefully before you post your next question.

I’ll move this for you to IMHO. Do not repeat this.

Thank you and welcome to the boards.

-xash
General Questions Moderator

You’re reading too much into it. You said she gives hints and mixed signals, even if you aren’t reading too much into it, why would you want to consider a relationship with someone who seems too immature to communicate honestly with people?

I second what Abby said. It sounds like you really want to get back together with her, so you’re trying to convince yourself that she wants it too.
If you decide to tell her that you’re interested, be prepared for the possibility that you could lose the friendship if she is not feeling the way.
Personally, I find it very frustrating when people just beat around the bush and play games instead of saying what they mean…so I must say that I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t directly admit to being attracted to me anyway.

Yes, I agree with you both, and I suppose I didn’t make it clear in my original post … but yes, those events have already happened in the past. The proposition of “getting back together”, that is. And yes, I am quite familiar with the fact that I will put my friendship into jeopardy with her if I do call her on it. I had suggested it before with unfavorable results. I am not oblivious to the fact that if I put myself out on a limb, I stand to fall off the tree. Her mixed signals may not be right, but we both play that game with one another. You could almost say it’s an essential ingredient to what makes our mutual friendship tick. It keeps us both guessing …

Sure, I’d love to be with her, but not at the expense of losing her friendship. I’m also not about to deprive her of her single life if she wants to see other people. If I knew I could be with her, I’d wait forever. And I am not trying to convince myself now any more than I have in the past. If anything, I’m trying to convince myself NOT to for all the above-mentioned reasons. I’d rather have a prosperous friendship that still holds potentional than a jeopordized friendship because I forced the issue. I’m content to sit and wait it out and see … after the pain I’ve been through with women not liking me, my patience is in ample supply.

I just wanted to know what others think of such a gift and what it might represent coming from a girl to a guy. It just seems to me that there’s more than meets the eye …

And by the way … it’s a pleasant surprise to get a response from a fellow SC fan; we are few and far between. Huffi-muffi-guffi, fellow encrustling. :wink:

Whenever I hear someone say that, the first thing I think is “It’s time for them to move on.” You say she is enjoying her single life, well it’s time for you to get out and enjoy yours. Date some other women, see what else is out there. Who knows, you might find someone you like. What is the worst that could happen? If you end up getting back with her, then great, but if not, at least you didn’t sit there waiting for nothing.

I really don’t mean to be harsh, but my god man, she gave you a fork and a spoon. That doesn’t mean shit. You are reading way, way, way too far into this. “She gave me a fork and a spoon, I think she likes me!” Sound ridiculous? It does to me, too.

“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”
-Freud (I think. Don’t hurt me if I’m misquoting!)

I wasn’t asking for dating advice, nor was I asking to be talked down to about dating habits that I never brought up in the first place. My dating has no bearing on this … and perhaps my saying I’d wait forever to be with her is my way of saying that I’ve dated hordes of women and been unimpressed with them all. High standards? Too picky? Yes and yes. Maybe she’s the only one I enjoy spending any time with, for reasons I’ve already mentioned. You seem to know a lot about my long-standing relationship with only two paragraphs of insight. I’ve taken your “style” of dating advice scores of times before and come to realize how much less time I’d have wasted had I just spent my money on myself instead of on women. But perhaps that’s hard for most people to understand seeing as how this is the exact reason I tend to cite for not wanting to date anyone … because everyone is constantly obsessed with the next opportunity, just as you’ve suggested I be … rather than focusing on a one relationship like I do. That’s what women want, isn’t it? Or is that just another heaping load of BS I can add to my list of female hypocrisies?

Bitter? Jaded? Resentful? Angry? Guilty on all counts. At least I have some perspective; can’t say the same for most. Does that place me one step ahead or two steps back? No need to answer, I already know … it might as well be two hundred steps back. I guess we can’t all be as fortunate as you; to always be able to take that next blind step forward without caring about what came before.

It means she’s gay. You posting long rambling posts in the wrong forum turned her lesbian.

It’s obvious. She wants to string you along a little while longer, then fork you and spoon afterwards.

I apologize then, it was just my take on the situation.

cripes, anamnesis, lighten up a little.

nobody’s bashing you here. i think you’re being a little oversensitive. personally, i think the advice to look around a little and date others while you continue your friendship with this woman is quite practical. if “dating” and “spending money on women rather than myself” has such prickly connotations for you, just think of it as overtures to additional friendships. supposedly, that’s the best way to find a partner anyhow, i believe – find someone who will be your friend.

and speaking as a woman on the whole gift thing –

dude, chill. she was picking the most emotionally neutral yet non-tacky gift she could find. my guess is that she specifically scanned possible presents for any possible (mis)interpretation of romantic connotations, and specifically picked these because they should have none. something native, something practical, something you wouldn’t be humiliated to have others see, or feel obligated to keep (even though you thought it was awful) simply because it was a present.

that’s my take on the situation. you will, of course, choose whatever interpretation appeals to you the most, in the long run.

anamnesis, just some advice - sometimes the more important question isn’t the one you ask, it’s the one that other people see in your post and choose to answer.

In your post, you seem to really obviously be carrying a torch for her, and it looks like you’re eagerly asking if this should be seen as a request for a dinner date, as if you’re going to act on that.

Head over to the BBQ Pit to see another example - late last week, someone posted just venting about his girlfriend calling him when she’d been out late drinking. Just about everyone chimed in with “dump her” but not necessarily over that incident - it’s that the other details added up to her using him terribly and probably cheating on him.

Oh, and I agree with lachesis - it sounds like a nice and unromantic gift to me. If she wanted to have dinner with you, it probably would have been something much more obvious, like giving you some kind of sauce, suggesting what goes with it, and saying she’d love to sample the results if you tried it. And if she is a “hints and mixed messages” woman, and you dated her and aren’t sure, I’m not so sure we’d be more successful in guessing.

I would say it’s called “dating limbo” . I have a quasi bf. We have verying degrees of we are/are not dating. We don’t nev=cessarily want to give up on each other totally but we are not ready to cocmpletely commit either. I certainly wouldn’t oput all your eggs in HER basket. Date others - a wooden fork isn’t a pair of silk boxers, but she is probably firting to a degree.

Hi, new here

You’ve said: “…those events have already happened in the past. The proposition of “getting back together”, that is. … I had suggested it before with unfavorable results. I am not oblivious to the fact that if I put myself out on a limb, I stand to fall off the tree. Her mixed signals may not be right, but we both play that game with one another.”

It’s one of two things: a) a neutral gift and with no message or b) she’s trying to bait you.

a) as AbbySthrnAccent said: You’re reading too much into it.

b) You’ve tried before and were rebuffed. If she wants to get back together now, she needs to show that she’s genuine. Don’t get excited over a small suggestion that things might perhaps possibly go your way. She’s got to put in a little more effort now to show that the risk is worth it. Anything less than straightforward means she’s just playing with you.

I’d say “thanks for the gift, you know I like pasta”, and pretend you didn’t think about it any more than that.