Okay, this is insanely long and kinda convoluted, but please bear with me; I’d really like some advice on this.
Starting from the beginning then:
There’s this girl at my school, we’ll call her W. I’ve known her for 2 ½ years, and I’m desperately in love with her. It’s, wow, just wow; I’ll spare you all the mushy details, but I think she’s so amazing, and we have so much in common, and… and… just wow, man. She’s exactly the kind of person I always imagined falling in love with, and meeting her and coming to grips with my feelings for her really solidified for me my identifying as a lesbian.
I’m pretty sure she’s straight. I’m pretty sure she has no clue that I love her.
And, yah know, that’d be fine with me. So she’s straight; she can’t help it; that’s fine. I’d be more than happy just be friends with her, because she really is an amazing person, and I’m grateful for any relationship I can have with her. We’re both kinda shy and quiet, and before this year we haven’t had a lot of classes together, so we don’t have a really close friendship, we’re more like good acquaintances.
But this year we’ve had classes together everyday, and it’s been, oh god, it’s been beautiful. We walk to classes together, we talk, etc., and then I privately swoon over any contact I have with her. Earlier this year I tried subtly flirting with her – because at the time I didn’t know what her orientation was – but she seemed to be completely oblivious to my advances, so I dialed back the flirting (not stopping completely – I can’t help it – but she likely just thinks I’m being friendly), assuming that she was straight, and that we’d only be friends.
And, I repeat, that’s fine. But, at the same time, I’m still not entirely sure how she feels. She knows I’m queer, but she’s never mentioned either way what she is. There’ve been a host of clues that could be interpreted either way, but as it stands, I’m pretty sure she’s straight, or at least not interested in me personally on a romantic level.
(Or maybe she’s just shy or unsure or… jesus, I don’t know…)
Anyway. The past few weeks she and I have been kind of distant, and I thought, oh god, she “knows”! She finally figured out that I love her and she’s weirded out! I have no objective reason to think this, but that was the only reason I could think of that she’d be so suddenly distant. (Although it is possible that a mutual acquaintance might have mentioned something (I’ve told NO ONE in real life that I like her, but it is possible that someone might’ve noticed the way that I gaze at her when she’s not looking, and other little things like that, and come to the obvious conclusion) I’ve been (stupidly) beating myself up over this, telling myself that I should have just kept this all to myself, that I should have been more subtle, cos now she and I aren’t even friends, and I’ve ruined 2 ½ years of friendship with my stupid dyke desire, etc.,etc.
(Yeah, okay, I have some issues. Moving on…)
But then today everything’s back to normal. She’s as friendly as she’s ever been, and nothing’s weird between us. Hurrah.
So, you ask, what’s the problem? Well…
I’m working on the school’s literary magazine, Mosaic. It comes out once a year, publishes student writing and art, etc. I wanted to include some of my own stuff (I’m the only editor, so I can do what ever I want) and the one piece of writing that I want to include is a poem I wrote last summer. About W. On a purely literary level, it’s probably one of my strongest pieces of writing from the last year, and it has a nice locally / environmentally feel to it, and I think it would really fit in well with the other student writing.
The best draft of the poem includes a line that refers to an art project that W. did last year. Other people might not recognize the reference as such, but I know that W. would know what I was talking about. It also includes her first initial (which really is W., which is not entirely common. Actually, I think she might be the only person I know whose name begins with W.)
The poem isn’t incredibly, overtly romantic, as such, but it is certainly adoring and hopeful. The references in the poem are vague enough that not everyone would immediately know that it’s about W., but she herself would definitely know right away.
(I’m not comfortable posting the poem here, but I’ll e-mail a copy to anyone interested.)
Originally, for Mosaic I was going to change the line about the art project to something less obvious, but the new line is kinda clumsy. And I was going to change a line that went “the W of your name” to “the letter of your name” and I don’t like the vagueness of that at all. However, I would have made those changes just so W. wouldn’t “know” because I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.
But then there was whatever problem there was the past few weeks, and I thought, well, if she already “knows” I may as well publish the good version of my poem.
But now everything’s back to normal again. And I don’t know if she never knew that I love her and was just having some unrelated personal problems, or if she does know and was momentarily weirded out and is now trying to move past it.
If I publish the good version of my poem she’ll definitely know. No doubt.
Mosaic comes out in mid-to-late May. I’m graduating this year (W. is a junior) and it’s entirely possible that after I graduated W. and I will never see each other again. So if I do publish the good version, that’d only be one or two weeks of awkwardness between us. (But then that would also taint the 2 ½ years prior, and I’d be back at the stupid-dyke-I-ruin-everything place I was last week.)
I really don’t want to make things weird between us. If she’s not interested (which she’s clearly not) I’d rather that she never know that I love her. No good can come of her knowing.
But then there’s the possibility that she already knows, and she’s okay with it, but not interested. And then it wouldn’t matter what version of the poem I put in Mosaic. It is kind of a sweet poem.
But then I think, what if somebody I’m not interested in romantically wrote a poem like this about me and published it. I would be horribly embarrassed, and I would avoid the person who wrote it like the plague. I don’t want that to happen to W. and I, even if only for a week or two.
On the other hand, whatever I put in this year’s Mosaic will be the last thing I publish at my school, and I’d rather it not be a half-assed version of an otherwise good poem.
But THEN, maybe this whole thing could be a lesson in queer pride. I don’t want to feel ashamed like I do, and I don’t want to feel like I have to hide how I feel. This is a something I need to deal with, but I don’t want it to be at W.’s expense. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable and ruin our friendship just because I have issues.
Oh, jebus… Somebody tell me what to do.
[sub][sorry this is so hideously long)[/sub]