I do want to make one more point here, and then I’ll let it go.
I’m bisexual, and came out to my wife only after we’d known each other for 20 years and been married for 10. (We met when I was 12 and she was 13.)
I won’t go over the details of why I didn’t tell her for so long and then finally did - you can search in Great Debates for a thread called “Ask the closeted bisexual guy!” for seven pages of exhaustive detail if you’re interested. (sorry I can’t post a link but the search function is being a bitch right now.)
Here’s the relevant part. When I started the above thread, I was telling people, “I can’t tell her NOW, after all this TIME. No good could come of it, and I’m sure she would totally freak and might even leave me, and a good relationship will be tainted and maybe destroyed.”
(does this sound familiar?)
Then someone said something to me that hauled me up short and made me re-examine my decision to stay closeted to her. They said, “You are denying her the opportunity to make a choice that should be hers to make — and by keeping essential information hidden from her, you are already tainting the relationship because it’s not grounded in honesty.”
I finally swallowed my fear and told her. As I’m sure you can guess, all the horrible things I’d imagined completely failed to come to pass. Yes, she was mildly freaked out - and who could blame her? It must have been like discovering that after knowing me for 20 years, she suddenly discovered that I had wings. However, she did NOT leave me, and the relationship was NOT destroyed - in fact, a little over a year later, it’s stronger than ever. The only thing she was UPSET about was that I didn’t tell her sooner.
And I am SO much happier to be rid of that secret. (Don’t get me wrong - I’m not ever going to tell my mother! grin) I can’t help but think that you would be relieved too, if you told W. how you feel. Even if it didn’t work out, I’ll bet the friendship would survive. As for your worry that she’ll think you were only interested hanging out with her because you were attracted to her… just tell her what you told us.
It’s better to know than to wonder, Lunatic. I can tell you that from personal experience. You say you don’t want to taint your relationship with W. But if you don’t ever say anything, chances are it will be poisoned anyway by the increasingly gangrenous secret you have festering inside you.
I’m not going to keep beating you over the head about it, though. I hope it works out okay for you, hon.