Angie’s not a virgin. Don’t tell her mom. Of course, that was 20 years ago, and I know she’s married now, so chances are her mom knows.
I looked through Charlie’s desk drawers when I was dating him (I was looking for something at the time–tape or something, don’t remember). I was 16 or 17 at the time and I had a key to his apartment and he wasn’t home (he knew I was there, though). I found a gun in the second drawer I looked in and got weirded out and stopped looking. Doesn’t matter now, as he shot himself in the head about a year later.
We were friends at work was all. I was crazy for the other guy we hung around with. But a she-viper swiped him and that was that. I met your girlfriend, went to your wedding. Then you came to town once for a visit and took me out for a very pricey lunch. After, you hit on me. You were married! And we only were ever friends.
You were going out with my best friend but you were making moves on me. You were going out with my best friend!
You had been married to one of my best friends. It was a few years after your divorce, granted, but did you think I’d ever have a fling with an ex of a friend?
I tried to kill myself once. Of course, these days I’ll admit that to anyone who asks.
At some point I accidentally inflated the number of people I slept with by one. To keep it consistent, I never took off the extra number.
Categorically: if you’re gay, get the hell out of the closet, half of you we’ve already got figured out, the other half are so deep in the closet that you’re finding Christmas presents. Figure out nobody cares if you’re gay and stop pretending.
On a related note, I’m pretty sure you only pretended to fall asleep when you were hooking up with her because you just don’t swing that way…no wonder you want to be a Catholic priest.
Man, just for the record, there’s one I just typed out like 3 times and kept deleting, guess it’s too soon to share that one.
A couple of the (many) my parents don’t know…
Every time you leave town when I’m home, our house becomes a raging party. The only thing you ever found from that was one can of beer.
That scar I got in the middle of my forehead from slipping and falling against a desk? It was actually because we decided fencing with fencing sabers and machetes at night in the rain on railroad tracks was a good idea.
Just because your mother and J are cousins, doesn’t mean there’s some invisible barrier that prevents them from having sex. They did, quite a few times. And your dad found out about this. Your older sister knows. Even your little sister knows. You’re the only one who doesn’t know. I wanted to tell you, and even you had your suspicions. Little sister says you said “…But they can’t have sex, they’re cousins, right?”. We just don’t know how you’d react to the truth.
I lied–the biggest lie of my life. There was never anyone else from work, there was never anyone else but you. You freaked out when I told you, I freaked out when you did, and then I lied to protect someone else. I’ll tell you the truth, but I’m not sure when or how.
I was 16, out with the new car. I was going around a corner, it was snowing, and I slid into the curb. The rim dented. To cover my mistake, I changed tires- fortunately the new car came with a full size spare. A year later when we had a flat and you tried to put the “spare” on and noticed it was dented and used, you threw a fit at the dealership, threatening to sue them for breach of contract and endangering your family’s welfare by providing us with a damaged spare. I was petrified and humbled that you went through all of that due to my cowardice.
That cut I got on my hand while my whole family was on vacation and I stayed home to work? My friends and I were drunk and stoned and I broke up a fight, nearly losing my hand in the process. The story I told about getting the cut at work was actually true, since the fight happened at the jobsite, but it didn’t occur as part of my work duties. I still have the scar, 23 years later.
In elementary school, two older kids pulled me into a bathroom during recess and forced me to bend over in the stall while they poked and looked at my asshole. I was terrified (they were older! I was powerless!) and confused and embarassed and as soon as I said I was going to tell on them, they ran out and I sat on the toilet and sobbed. I’ve never told anyone.
Honey, that old friend of mine we had plans to see on our vacation in California, the one who you asked of me “did you two ever date?” and I said no, well, technically we didn’t date but we were fuckbuddies for about 6 months. It was five years before you and I got married. I’m not sure why I defensively said no, but I guess it’s good that she canceled our plans due to her job because she would have flirted with me (as she always does) in front of you, and it would have been a big mess.
The freudian slip was just what one might think it was. All I could think about at the time was having sex with you, and that rarely changed until recently. Doesn’t matter that you were engaged at the time, or that you’ve now been married for over 6 years.
And secretly, I suspect you’ve thought about it, too.
I accidentally ran over that poor stray kitten. He was apparently napping behind one of the car tires and well…I ended up killing him.
She has herpes.
He has cancer.
Mom, you know how I used to leave before you to go to class in college? Well, sometimes I didn’t feel like going to class so I would just drive to McDonald’s for breakfast and then come back home to bed when you had left for work.
He/she is cheating on you…a lot! (Same secret unfortunately goes for multiple people)
His mom miscarried twins.
Yes, I caused that dent in the car.
Yes, I really did drive that fast. It wasn’t a joke.
My brother married his fiancee secretly six months in advance of the big wedding that her parents and ours were planning. The fiancee needed surgery and didn’t have good health insurance, so they got hitched so she’d have coverage. They didn’t tell anyone but me, and then they went through with the fancy ceremony six months later as if they were both single because they didn’t want to disappoint the parents.
Oh my - I’d practically blocked this out of my memory until I read a post above about a car incident.
When I was 16, and had just gotten my full driver’s license (up from a permit), I gave my friend a ride home from school. It was her birthday and she happened to have a bunch of balloons with her, which she brought into my car effectively obscuring my rear window view. (you can probably see where this is going)
On the way home we stopped by the bank so she could withdraw some money from the ATM. When she came back, my young foolish self saw it fit to back up out of my parking spot even though I couldn’t see anything behind me. We hear a sudden CRUNCH, and I speed the hell out of there.
After I dropped her off I returned to the scene of the crime to take a look at what I had done, and although it wasn’t anything catastrophic, I had put a nice, visible dent in the side of the guy’s car. Mine had only paint scratching on the bumper. I was much too afraid of the consequences and the wrath of my parents (would I lose my car? My brand-new license?) to leave a note or anything, so I left and never heard about it again. Sorry, guy.
I put the big scratch in the side of the car. It didn’t happen while it was parked.
J, we ALL could hear you say those very personal remarks while you and A were screwing. (Very hard to run a D&D game while hearing someone get spanked.)
Mom & Dad, the very first time you visited me at college and I wasn’t in my room? I was in P’s room losing my virginity at that very moment.
Various: No I don’t “just stare at your tits.” I stare your ass too. Sorry.
I was once deported from Canada. My friend & I decided to take our girlfriends across the border for the fun of it. While we were at the customs checkpoint, the girls told us they did not have their ID. Yes, it was kind of like that episode of That 70’s show.
