I was out of town this past week in a city where an ex moved to years ago. We’ve kept in touch sporadically, but haven’t seen each other for nearly 8 years. We arranged to have dinner one night and it went really well. So well I stayed an extra day to hang out more. Now that I am home, I can’t stop thinking about the time we had together. Memories of our relationship have come flooding back. My chest feels heavy. It’s a mix of excitement, sadness, and confusion. Of course we have no future. (Right?).
How do I get past this feeling? This was my first relationship. Maybe you never truly get over a first love? Stories/advice would be much appreciated.
You’re remembering the good times. I’ve run into exes, remembered the hot sex or the romantic nights or whatever… not the fights or the idiocy or whatever broke us up.
Why did you break up, if I may ask? Was for external reasons (like a job moved one of you) or did you have “irreconcilable differences?” If it was the former, why not get back together, if you’re willing to overcome the external reason why you broke up? If it was the latter, think twice.
You are right, I am remembering the good times more. But we did talk about the bad times and why/how we broke up. It was after quite a bit of wine though so it was a little hazy.
We basically broke up because of the long distance. There was no end in sight to it and the stress of that just became too much to handle. I think at the time there were some irreconcilable differences also, but they were magnified by the distance. I went into a big funk when we first broke up. A year later we almost got back together, but I said no and then regretted it later.
Yesterday on my ride home we talked a couple times and texted quite a bit. But t was all just small talk really. Now today I feel like I am hoping for an email or call that probably won’t come, and it was just an isolated weekend fling.
I never really got over my first relationship. He friended me on Google+ last week and when I saw his picture there was still this snarl of emotions, both positive and negative (we had a pretty brutal breakup) like it was… well, maybe not yesterday, but last year, anyway. (It’s been more than 15 years.) I still totally remember his voice and his face.
That being said, that very snarl of emotions makes me so glad I’m not with him anymore. It wasn’t all drama and roller coasters, no, and we had a lot of good times, but it was a very immature relationship and a very immature love on both our parts. I also didn’t really understand what I needed to be happy long-term (as opposed to short-term, which my ex was pretty good at) at the time, and I suspect he didn’t either. (For example, because of my own personal issues, I really need someone who is much more undemanding and patient than average, and I didn’t really get that at the time.)
I don’t know if this helps you now, but I have found a love and a relationship that is so much deeper and so much better than anything I could have imagined at the time.
Well, I don’t know, I’ve been in a number of long-distance relationships (including with the above ex and the man who’s now my husband) and my experience has been that irreconcilable differences often tend to be minimized by the distance, because you tend to romanticize the other person. (That being said, it was the distance that broke up me and my ex before the irreconcilable differences had a chance to work. But we didn’t get together again afterwards when distance wasn’t an issue because I’d identified the issues by then.) What are these differences you and ex had/have?
Thanks for the reply raspberry hunter. Your comment about “immature love” struck a chord. Ours was very much that. A fair amount of drama was involved.
Actually about a year ago I got out of another relationship that I thought was everything this first one wasn’t. I ended up being very wrong and it’s taken a while to get over it. Maybe I was feeling a bit lonely and that led to the feelings that resurfaced this past weekend.
You asked about the differences we had. I think at the time the main one was age. I am 7 years younger and at the time it was a bigger gap (23 vs 30 when we met). I was immature and clingy. Probably co-dependent. The relationship became the center of my life, which as we all know is not a good idea. Now that I’ve grown up and sorted myself out, it’s hard not to think how things would be.
the above quote is pretty much the essence of how I feel about my exwife and the second part is how I feel about my current wife. I do feel regret that we failed, but we are now(several years past the divorce)actually better freinds than when married. I cannot imagine ever going backwards. Don’t discount the possible renewal of a freindship, but if long distance was a big issue then probably it still will be in a more serious or committed relationship.
Why wait for an email or call that might not come? If you’d like to rekindle things, why don’t you make the first move? It sounds like you both still click and it sounds like you’ve grown up a bit since your original relationship, so who knows what might happen second time around?
That would be my advice to someone else who had written about this situation.
But I guess I am hesitant because in the past it was me who didn’t want to breakup and who was the clingy one. I don’t want to seem desperate or pathetic, you know? If I got an overture that the feelings were mutual, now that we are back to our normal lives, I would say something.
It also might seem weird because I have resisted multiple overtures to be just friends over the years and even outright ignored some emails and texts. Now after one visit I go to the other extreme!
Yeah, that is the main problem still. The only difference is that before my moving was not a possibility. It wouldn’t be impossible now for either of us.
When people talk about getting back together with exes, I always think of Larry Miller’s bit about it - “Ew! This milk has gone bad! I think I’ll put it back in the fridge and try it again tomorrow - maybe it will be good then!”
Okay, so, honestly, reading these right after one another makes me think that it might still be a problem. One thing I’ve found with old friends (never tried this with an ex) is that when I’m with them, I tend to revert to the person I was when we knew each other most profoundly. For instance, when I’m with my high school friends we start behaving the way we did in high school.
Here, it sounds very much to me like after seeing him you’re moving back into the mindset of the way you were with him – clingy and wanting him to be the center of your life.
My advice would be to be friends with him for now. Just friends. Answer his emails. Answer his texts. Call him up on the phone once in a while. Tell him about your life now. Listen to what he says about his life. Rebuild a relationship – a relationship as friends – based on the people you are now, not on the people you were then or what you dream could have been. Don’t even think about anything romantic. Value him because he’s a cool person and a good friend, not because he could be a potential center of your life. Show him, and yourself, that you are a strong woman now who doesn’t need him or any other romantic interest to give your life validation.
Then, if something happens, it happens, and you’ve built the foundation for it not to be like it was before. And if nothign happens, well, you’ve still got a cool friend.
rasp hunter: That is great advice and I really appreciate it. I think you hit the nail on the head about how I moved back into an old mindset right off the bat. As for rebuilding a new relationship as friends, I think I need to take a deep breath and do just that.
P.S. You have the genders off, but it doesn’t really matter.
So we’ve been texting on an off since lunch time (I didn’t instigate this.) And one of the text I got said “it was really great reconnecting with you. you should come to this conference every year.” Doesn’t that imply this was just a little weekend fling? I wrote back that I wished we’d had more time and that I was surprised to feel that way.
Living Well Is Best Revenge, I’ve noticed that you were pretty careful to not reveal any genders in this thread. Was that intentional? It’s not my business either way who has what parts, but I was just curious since men and women approach these situations differently.
Love doesn’t die, it “morphs,” or hibernates.
You didn’t say anything about being in a relationship now, so that’s not stopping you.
You stated that you all had differences magnified by the distance thing. Like Chris Rock said, “If you’ve never thought of murder, you haven’t been in love.” Sounds like you all might have been able to work out the probs if you’d been in close proximity.
Don’t pursue him too hard (very important!) but be available for him to catch (again.)
I read all the time about couples reuniting after Xyrs.
My advice would be the same regardless of gender, so glad you thought it was useful.