Seeking advice on daughter's denial issue

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hello dopers,
I know, it’s been a while since i was around. Life happens, shit happens, I apologize for coming back with hat in hand, but…

My 19 yo daughter has been dating a 21 yo guy for 2 years now. Basically, she has put her entire life on hold while pursuing this relationship. She lives with hubby and me, does not work (she has held down a job for precisely 4.5 months out of the last 24) and does not contribute to the household. She has mild anxiety, takes citalopram daily.

Boyfriend is obnoxious, to say the least. He has a boatload of issues, ADHD, Tourette’s, anxiety, OCD, and that’s the main ones. Depression too.

We have banned him from our house because of his routinely disrespectful behaviour. We can’t seriously have him around. He would try, and already has tried, to walk all over us. For the sake of our daughter’s ‘happiness’ and to not alienate her, we have not threatened to kick her out if she doesn’t break up with him, she just sees him off the premises of our property.

She has told us, he is abusive too. He does not always take his meds but even when he does, he routinely acts out violently and abusively, yelling, striking and threatening.

He has tried to break up with her a couple of times–she has gained an awful lot of weight in the past two years and he has not been able to deal with that. And she keeps going back to him, begs, in fact, to be taken back.

Bottom line, our daughter is in denial about just about everything, her abusive boyfriend, her non-start in life, her non-employment status, her non-contribution, her weight.

I really feel, and hubby feels that if we help her concentrate on her own life, the boyfriend might just fall by the wayside, but it’s getting through this denial that just stumps us.

We do NOT give her money for anything, but she lives rent-free and eats everything she wants and more.

Also, in the spirit of full disclosure, we adopted our daughter when she was 20 months old. She has always wanted to find her birth family, and last December, her birth mom contacted her on FB. No real surprise, it was a bit anticlimactic for both of them but they chat from time to time and are getting along ok. No meetings planned, as neither of them are ready to take that step. Hubby and I have always been supportive of daughter wanting to establish contact with her birth family.

So, what thinkest thou? Is denial the issue, or is the boyfriend, or…? I’m open to changing my thinking because 2 years of this b.s. is just about getting old.

Thanks,
A.

2

Why do you allow your 19 year old daughter to live with you without contributing to the household, going to school, or having a job?

3

Like it or not, ready or not, 19 is an adult. It’s time to step out of her life, push her out of your nest, and let her face real life. Where choices have consequences. And really foolish choices, like staying in a violent relationship, come with truly harsh consequences. None of us have the power to change that for you or her, I’m afraid.

This IS the age she should be learning life lessons, making mistakes, and screwing up. While she is young enough to bounce back, step up, come into herself, whatever you choose to call it. None of these life lessons get easier by being delayed, until she is older. Because being older won’t make her wiser if she’s being insulated from consequences. You can’t protect her forever, if you don’t want reality to crush her, then NOW is when she needs to start learning how to handle it.

You need to know that what’s called ‘tough love’, isn’t so named because it’s so very harsh on the child. No, it’s because the tough part is for the caped crusader parents to stand by and watch as their child finally faces the ugly consequences of real life and poor choices. And quite possibly crashes her life spectacularly.

But being a caped crusader parent is not as it appears either. Rescuing people feels awesome, it’s a heady feeling that hugely strokes the ego. So, you gotta examine why you’re doing what you’re doing too I think. Do you honestly believe letting her live rent free, not work, etc is helping her? Or is it maybe just a lot easier for you, than watching her crash her life? Something else to about to think about maybe. Perhaps she’s not the only one with a little denial at work.

Point is, she’s an adult now. You had your chance to prepare her for the real world, and I’m certain you did your best. But your shot’s over now. She has to move into an adult world, ready or not. She has to walk her own path, make her own choices, and live with the consequences of those choices. And again, neither you, nor any of us can change that. It’s time for you to stop trying in my most humble opinion.

Good Luck to you all !

4

Yep. We’ve tried the school thing, she bailed, and won’t go back. She is highly resistant to help, to suggestion, to anything constructive. She is lying and manipulative. Her behaviour is consistently negative and she can be destructive. It’s a helpless feeling, ordering, asking, telling, demanding and getting no results. Like I said, I’m open to new ideas.

5

It sounds like she is co-dependent and he sounds like he has a personality disorder.
She needs help dealing with her co-dependency, find her a therapist and make her go.

6

Honestly, we are not protecting her. We have withdrawn everything from her except food and shelter. She is responsible for her debts and she will likely declare bankruptcy.

We have stopped giving advice, that’s for sure, since it falls on deaf ears. And we don’t rescue her. Occasionally she asks for advice but since we know she will do nothing, we simply stay out of her life. She and us, are like two different countries separated by a vast border. As much as we can let her live her life, we do, but I realize, that sounds like denial. She has no resources to move out. No friends, since she has alienated everyone in her life, and no family around either to take her in, because, not surprisingly, she has alienated them as well. I’m not saying we’re the only people that can help her, but she has not learned to ask for help yet.

She is very immature for 19, we know this. Life lessons are important and I am not ignoring that she needs them, STAT. We have withdrawn, as I have said, every support except shelter and food, and occasionally, communication when it is desperately needed.

Part of the consequence of being in an abusive relationship is isolation, and I will not allow her to be isolated from us when she is in so deep with this asshole boyfriend. Sorry, but we have to remain connected with her at least so that if he tries to hurt her she can come to us for help.

All of which I realize doesn’t fit with tough love, and I really appreciate what you said, I really do. I’m listening ok?

Thanks for your support.

7

She tried the therapist. She’s manipulative, and again, the denial of a ‘problem’ in her life was rampant. So, it was no-go and cost a lot of money. We’re not going to go that way again, but thanks for suggesting it.

People need to know when they need help, right? So that they can take that help in whatever form, be humble enough to accept it? Therapy is a two way street and doesn’t work with people who don’t think they need it. When that happens, everyone’s time is wasted.

Again, thanks, and I’m not trying to make excuses, but I’m living it here.

8

IMHO, one big question to be asked/answered is what your daughter sees in this boyfriend, and what need of hers he fulfills.

Does he make her feel appreciated in a way she does not get elsewhere? Is he the only male who ever showed her that kind of attention?

Is he her only real friend?

Does she have deluded notions of who he is, mentally building him up as a much better person than he really is?

What does she see in him? What are his “pros,” (no matter how valid or invalid) that make her think he’s worthwhile?

Is it just relationship-by-inertia?

9

Have you considered going to a therapist to help you deal with this? It might help you to understand what you need to do. After all you rightly have concerns about her and his mental health. Who better to assuage your concerns, in that regard, than a therapist who deals in such things.

Nothing’s going to change until you change something. The only thing you really have the power to change here (after admitting you won’t change that she has food and shelter and protection from the life she’s built with her choices!), is YOU !

Why not start there?

10

I’m sorry to point this out, but she has no reason to change her behaviour.
Therefore this will go on for years.

11

So, you won’t kick her out, you won’t send her back to the therapist, etc.

I understand that abandoning her could only drive her to him, and that you said the therapy route wasn’t fruitful the first time around, but I really don’t know what other advice you would accept.

12

I think you need to back off and stop trying. I fully understand the impulse to protect your child, but there’s no way to force someone to see her life differently. It should be clear enough by now that continuing to look for a way in is just going to cause her to dig in her heels. I recommend a family therapist just for you and your husband, to help you all with the transition to your daughter becoming an adult and the establishment healthy boundaries that can allow you and he to feel more at peace with your inability to change her.

A therapist for you can also be a safe outlet for your (understandable) frustration. You can let out the anger and the disappointment you feel in the therapist’s office instead of directing it toward your daughter. I sympathize with the fact that you’ve been living in a really difficult situation for a long time, but your posts are so uniformly negative toward your daughter that to an outsider, it’s almost kind of understandable that she would emotionally wall herself off. It’s not appealing to open up to and accept help from people who give off a vibe that she’s an immature loser who is failing in life in every way. You love your daughter, and you’ll be there for her when she’s ready to reach out; that’s what I think she needs to hear from you.

“Denial” is a label that can obscure as much as illuminate. She stays with the BF because she’s getting something from the relationship. Maybe she feels needed somehow. Maybe he’s just a club to wield against her parents. And I expect that she’s well aware of what’s happening with her weight.

Please don’t take any of this as criticism. You’re strong and obviously caring parents who have been carrying a burden for a long time. I’m just trying to suggest a different approach that ideally will be easier on everyone.

13

100% this.

14

A therapist is needed for her. One that works this time. The fact that one did not work and was expensive is no excuse for not finding her one that does work. If you need help finding resources, call a crisis hotline, explain that your daughter is in an abusive relationship and that she needs help finding a counselor. Explain the financial situation too. They will not judge, but they should find you help - help that will not send you to bankruptcy as well.

A counselor should also investigate her meds. It sounds very much like she still has significant anxiety and depression issues. If you will not seek a counselor, please talk to her doctor and be blunt. If her medications are adjusted correctly, it could help your daughter tremendously.

What state are you in? You may be able to report him if you ever see signs of physical abuse. In some states, law enforcement will proceed against him with or without your daughter’s consent if the abuse is obvious/physically evident. Do not allow him to continue abusing her if this avenue is open.

Please also look in to support groups for yourself. Again, a crisis line may be able to help you find something appropriate. There are groups for the families or friends of survivors of abuse and assault. I think you should find one in your area. You are suffering too.

We are all telling you things you do not like and it’s clear you do not like them. You are playing the “Yes, but” game. That is a good suggestion but it won’t work because… Please take some time to think about that. Change is hard. Tough changes are harder. There is no magic pill that will make this go away. Please seriously consider the advice you are being given here. Your daughter’s life could be at stake.

15

Hi,
Good question - yes, he is the only male who ever showed her ‘attention’. Before that, she had very short term relationships, crushes, unrequited drama. She isn’t good at maintaining relationships with peers, so when this guy came along, that was basically it.
Yes, he is her only real friend.
Yes, she has deluded notions which occasionally burst when he acts out against her, and she eventually goes back to him, pines for ‘who he used to be’ before he started abusing.
What does she see in him, well, he is her only source of money, car, entertainment, basically. Plus he says he loves her, over and over and over.

So, yeah, relationship by inertia, that is a great term.

Thanks for the insights.

16

Yes, I agree with your assessment. We are negative toward her and that’s no fun and it’s not working.

Family therapy without her in the room would be a good option.

You gave me a lot to think about. I honestly am trying to find a solution that is different from what we’ve been living these last two years.

A/

17

Real tough - and sad - situation. I don’t want to just pile on (and am SO fortunate that I never was in as tough a situation as yours), but I only see 2 options. Either she chooses to continue living with you - in which case you get to lay down some ground rules such as employment, school, participating in treatment; or she moves out and does whatever she wishes. I fully recognize that both options can be painful.

What do you owe your kids? You sound as though you have not been a negligent, selfish parent. I think you OWE your kid 18-21 years of your best effort. You can’t guarantee anything, and the kid has to meet you partway. What do you do if your kid turns out to be a jerk? Or just someone you don’t really like? Not saying your kid is either, but after a point, your adult kids don’t get to dominate your lives.

All I can tell you is that no adult (who is not severely physically/mentally/emotionally incapacitated) would be living in my house if they weren’t employed, in school, and/or participating in appropriate treatment. Best of luck.

18

I have a daughter with similar issues but without the boyfriend. She is now 30 was like your daughter at 19 and just graduated after 12 years of on and off college. She is back on mom’s couch doing odd jobs and not looking for a full time job. Manipulative, immature, lies, anxiety, very overweight etc. etc.

She has embedded herself in this low performance lifestyle and it’s where she is comfortable and where my ex allows her to live. I have done my own enabling through numerous cash infusions to keep the college going and her car going and she is still on my cell plan.

All I can tell you is that there is no “aha” moment, no epiphany, no come to Jesus in these situations for the sponger. She will adjust to the absolute minimalist lifestyle necessary rather than looking for a job and getting on with life. I was self terrorized by the thought of this helpless person without food, shelter or a way to call in emergencies and that cowardice is entirely my fault.

In the end I realized that there are just some people who will only react if everything is removed. They HAVE to be kicked out of the house and we never bellied up to do that because we were afraid and my ex doesn’t like dealing with it so it was easier to let her hang out.

If you do not literally kick her out nothing will ever change. Don’t lie to yourself that she will “grow up”. Some people are simply emotional children in adult bodies and will stay that way until external circumstances force a change. At 19 you can still correct the problem but you HAVE to force her out of the house. If you don’t it’s all on you.

19

This is good advice.
Unfortunately, not everyone can be successful, happy, productive members of society.
Even within a group of siblings, some will struggle, while others follow the path to success.
Your time of meaningful influence with her is past. Your job now is to get her out on her own so that she can sink or swim on her terms. That is your job as a parent and that is what you need to do for yourself.
Or, you can continue with the status quo, which, frankly, sounds pretty miserable. Easy for me to write, when it isn’t MY family, but I feel for you. Good luck.

20

The boyfriend is worrying, and I hate him very much already. :slight_smile: However, I think you’re right about concentrating on your daughter’s other issues.

You say there’s a lot of negativity in your relationship. Would it be possible for you and/or your husband to sit down with her and say something like, "Honey, we’re really worried about you. Are you okay? Is there something you want, and how can we help you?"etc. If you could break through her shell, maybe you’d know what to do next.

sigh Don’t listen to me. I’m an enabling parent myself. The tough love folks are right.