Seeking relationship advice (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m not sure where to put these advice-seeking things, so mods, please feel free to move this if needed.

Here’s my deal. I’ve been with the huz for 17 years, married for 9 of them. We were friends in high school, started dating in college (it started as a long-distance thing with 3-hour phone calls and 20-page letters). I was 20 when we started seeing each other and he was 21. We pretty much decided that this was it, and went forward from there. We moved in together and that was that.

And things seemed OK until a couple of years ago. That’s when I changed careers and discovered, much to my delight, that I’m really, really good at something. I found tons of confidence and learned to speak up for myself and expect to be treated with respect.

Well…problem. I started to realize that things hadn’t all been wonderful with the huz. He has a terrible temper, and had a tendency to scream at me, sometimes yank me around or shove me. And the career change had involved some financial hardship and lots of extra work on my part, so that was making him angrier than usual.

Adding to that was the fact that I was abused as a kid. My huz acts in many ways like my abusive ex-stepfather and like my grandpa. Obviously, there were issues here on my part. And also because of these issues, our sex life was never stellar.

So I was pissed off at him, and let him know. He got scared that I was going to leave and started trying to straighten himself out. But I just got angrier because it took 16 goddam years for him to make this decision. So I left him in November, staying with my mom for about a week to get clarity.

I decided that it was worth another try. He was obviously trying hard to change. So I went back. And things have been different. He’s still angry and negative often, but his temper is more under control. He’s been more attentive and less selfish.

But I’m still not happy. I feel, deep down, like I’ve made a terrible mistake. I feel like I married the wrong man. I love him, but there’s no passion or attraction. We haven’t had sex in almost a year.

And…we decided some time ago not to have kids. For me, it was a decision based on my history of abuse. I felt like I was ruined and wouldn’t be a fit mother. For him, it was that he doesn’t like kids. But now I’m regretting that decision. It’s not that I necessarily want to have children right now, but more that I don’t want to lose the option. And what’s bothering me is that if I decided I wanted kids and he was willing to go along with it…I don’t know if I want to have kids with him.

He’s a good man, at the heart of all of it. He’s trying hard to be better than he is. I desperately don’t want to hurt him. I know he loves me and that he’d be devastated if I left–and that’s something I can’t bear to think of doing to him. But if I don’t love him the way he deserves, if we’re not right for each other…

It’s all very confusing to me. So if any of you have read this far and are still interested or able to offer advice, please do.

Thanks everyone.

2

Well, that sold it for me right there.

Get out. You’re not doing either of you any good. Given time, and reason, you’ll both be happier.

3

If there are no kids make the decision sooner rather than later. As much as you deserve happiness so does he, and with your long term emotional issues and dissatisfaction, and his behavioral control issues, it doesn’t sound like you’re going to be together for much longer. Why prolong the agony.

4

Have you tried counseling?

Sometimes a third party (professional) can help sort these things out while remaining neutral and will not tell you what you should do one way or another.

5

I’ll comment on only one tiny bit of your story, which is the decision not to have kids because you don’t think you could be a good parent, given that your own parents were abusive.

That’s absolutely legit, and I used to feel that way too. But the cycle of abuse is not inevitable. You CAN be a good parent despite having been abused yourself, especially if you have a lot of insight into your history and your feelings. Sounds like you have that insight.

If your heart is telling you that maybe you want kids, factor that into any decision you make about your husband. It sounds to me like you may have the potential to be a great parent … maybe the parenting process would be harder for you than for some, but (and I’m speaking from experience) that can make it all the more rewarding.

6

I’m inclined to say “Get Out,” but what I really think you should do is sit down with him and get an answer to the Kids Question. That would clarify much for me. If he’s totally unwilling to entertain the idea, then that would be the final nail in the coffin. If the idea sounds good to him, then maybe I’d consider counseling.

Another issue which you need to deal with is the intimacy thing. There’s not much of a marriage (much less a happy one) without that. You need to figure out why it’s no longer there (I’m assuming you’re well aware already) and if you can ever get it back. That’ll also help your decision.

7

Yeah, I do need to have a talk with him about all this.

The kids thing…it’s weird. It’s not that the clock suddenly started ticking. I think it’s just that I became aware that there is a clock. And it feels like it would be immensely unfair to ask him to be on board with the possibility of someday being a parent given the circumstances.

He’s unhappy in his job/career and is trying to figure out what he wants to do. Even though I’m not bringing in a lot of money, he still has more options than he would if a kid were in the picture. Given his temperament, I really don’t know that he’s dad material anyway. And if he feels like he’s even more trapped…dunno.

But yes, maybe counseling. At least it would make it easier for us to talk about these things.

8

It’s unfair only in the sense that you both entered into a relationship based on the understanding that neither of you wanted kids. But this is simply exploratory–you need to find out how he feels about it. If his answer will make your decision more difficult, well, that’s life. Some choices ain’t easy.

Also… if you need counseling just to talk about this stuff, then really, I’d consider ending it. That’s just no way to live.

9

I’m not really following your ambivalence here. I thought you were mentioning “kids” in the OP because you were thinking about having them with someone else. You feel little if any “I want you to be the father of my kids” affection for him, and based on your description he’s anti-kid so why all this dancing around re counseling?

If he agrees to having children just to keep you around that would be the worst of all possible scenarios. He would be trapped and resentful to boot.

I can understand people changing their minds, and to be frank in most of these fairly commonplace “I discovered after xx years he’s a controlling beast” scenarios it has a lot less to do with the long term controlling beast significant other becoming any more beastly than he was in the beginning, and a lot more to do with women finally growing up and not wanting the controlling beast which they thought was just the ticket when younger.

You sound utterly miserable and he sounds utterly miserable, and there are no kids to keep you joined at the hip. You want kids and according to you he does not. What exactly is the point of counseling in this context? It sounds like a gigantic waste of time. You need to cut him loose, stringing it out when you feel the way you do is unfair to both of you.

10

What you’ve described sounds like him needing you, not loving you. I would never lay a violent hand on my wife. Never. It’s in-fucking-conceivable. I am not a mental health professional, but what you say sounds creepily like what a lot of abused spouses say–“I know he doesn’t mean it; I know he really loves me.”

And ditto what **spooje ** said–trust that feeling.

Finally, don’t assume that because you were abused you can’t be a good mother. I have a close relative who was abused as a child, and is a wonderful mother. It helps that she had therapy; it helps also that she is determined not to visit upon her daughter that which was visited upon her.

11

If you’re 37 (or thereabouts), haven’t you left it a little late to start wanting a family?

You’ve said that your husband is working hard at reforming himself. To split while he’s making such efforts for you would be really shitty. That’s not to say that splitting wouldn’t be the lesser of two evils.

I think you need to decide two things:

Do you really want children? Remember the increased chances of Down’s etc as you get older. Could you abort such a foetus? Or are you willing to care for such a child all your life?

If you don’t want children, can you see yourself growing old with him?

12

I think you should get a divorce.

More importantly, however, I think you (yourself, not as a couple) should get therapy. As Dr. Drew would say, early childhood abuse leaves a physiological imprint on people, and often manifests itself in their romantic choices later in life. It’s no accident that so many women who were abused when they were younger marry angry and/or abusive men. It doesn’t do you much good to get out of a bad relationship if you don’t have the tools to avoid repeating the pattern with the next one.

13

I think you should go. I was in much the situation you are, and I had a baby because I was afraid if I didn’t have one with him I’d “lose my chance” to ever have one.

Having a baby with him was the biggest mistake I have made in my entire life. We divorced a year later, and he uses her to harass and control and even terrorize me, even though he doesn’t even have custody right now. Having a baby with him has ensured I can never make him go away.

Finding someone else if you wish is much easier than you think it might be, trust me on that.

14

While it certainly is a valid point that fertility declines and the odds of health problems go up in the late 30s, sometimes it does work out just fine. My mom was 37 when she had me and I turned out pretty awesome if I do say so myself. :cool:

There are, of course, also the options of adopting or using a sperm donor to be a single mom…both of which I would consider preferable to staying with someone who you aren’t attracted to, don’t feel compatible with, and who apparently has major problems controlling his anger.

15

Show him (or read him) your post or just the thoughts in it, and see what he says? If it’s the kind of thing you can’t show or tell him, then yeah, perhaps you should leave for that.

16

I can see how hard it is for you, but I agree with those who’ve said it’s best if you split. Having and raising children puts an enormous amount of strain on a marriage. If you had children with him, things would get much, much worse, not better.

Besides the kids angle, it sounds like you’d be much happier with someone else.

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all of this, but be thankful there are no children involved. You will meet someone else in due time.

17

Why in God’s name would you want to have children with a man you are not in love with?

18

Thanks for the input everyone.

To clarify a few things…

I’m not going thru baby fever or anything here. It’s just the realization that I could be a good mother that made me think I’d been too rash in my decision. And at this point, yes, it probably would be adoption. Which would be great–I love the idea.

I am in therapy, and it’s helping enormously (maybe not something you can see from these posts…). It’s a big part of what has made me realize that I’m not broken and that I deserve to be happy.

And yes, I realize it would be a shitty thing to do…leaving him when he’s working so hard to change. That’s a big part of why I’m still here. I don’t want to do that to him.

He’s not a monster. He’s someone I love deeply. But I don’t know if that’s enough, and I don’t know if it’s the right kind of love, if that makes sense. He’s an angry, wounded person, and I know that we’re probably not good for each other. It’s adding to his anger and hurt that I dread. Not because I’m afraid of him (I am just a little, yes), but because I don’t want to see the pain in his eyes when I say it.

Ugh. I hate sounding like this. I’m a tough cookie, truly…

19

Is a pity marriage really good enough for you?

20

The answer to that depends on my mood when you ask the question. If I’m feeling good about myself, it’s a resounding “no.” If I’m not, then I feel like it’s all I deserve. I know, the former answer is always the correct one…it’s feeling like it’s true that sometimes evades me.

And no, a pity marriage isn’t fair to him either. I know.