I started dating this guy about a year ago. Everything was going really well until last summer, his mother had a heart attack. He and his mother are very close, so this shook him. I was very supportive at the beginning. However, I am by nature a very clingy and needy person (I am going to therapy to work on this; also, my therapist says that it has something to do with my family situation). I began to become really resentful when he hung out w/ his family, and questioned his love for me over and over. I finally demanded that he tell me I was the most important person in his life, because I felt he was in mine. He did. The next weekend, he went home and I started getting angry at him again. He finally said that I had questioned his love too much and completely destroyed him. He said that he could never date me again and didn’t know if he could date anyone again. That was the slap in the face I needed to change my ways. I’ve been going to therapy and really working on building my self-esteem, etc, to become more confident and independent. I feel like it’s really worked; like I need him less and am much more of a whole person already.
This is the issue: He later changed his mind to say that we could maybe date again, but he needs a lot of time/space. He will probably go far far away at the end of the summer, for several years. He also says that he still feels love/commitment to me, but he thinks that is a function of the fact that we haven’t been breaken up long, and that if time goes by and he still feels this way, he will give this thing another shot. He says that at the end of the summer we can re-evaluate our feelings for each other, and if we still care for each other, we can consider agreeing to date when he gets back from far far away.
I still love him madly, and I feel in a more mature/less selfish way. I can wait for a really long time for him; I know this sounds corny, but I feel like he is the one for me. In the meantime, I will work on making myself a more independent person. I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation; if anyone can tell me what they think I should do or how this will work out. He really was very much in love with me until I hurt him that last time. Do you think we can get back together? Sorry for the long post!
I had a passionate affair with a guy when I was a sophomore in college. Things got too heavy for him, and he broke it off, saying that he needed “space.” The two of us moved to different towns about 100 miles apart. We went our separate ways and dated other people.
Much to my astonishment, four years later I got a telegram from this guy. He said he had missed me for years and finally realized that I was “the one.” Wow.
So I traveled the hundred miles every weekend, and things were better than ever, since both of us had grown up a bit. He moved again, about 500 miles away, which made the traveling less frequent, but we continued the romance for seven years.
Thank you both, Quick Silver and Pink Freud, for the advice. However, I really cannot imagine dating anyone else besides him. This might change with time, and I am planning to move on in every part of my life except romantically. Even if we were over for good, I don’t think I would date again for a while, just because I need some time for personal growth right now and can’t let myself become co-dependent on someone else. I’ve pretty much told him that I will wait for him. I get kind of mixed messages, which I think is because even he is unsure of how things will work out. However, he’s said that as it stands, he still feels committed to me, but my dating someone else, or the passage of time, could really change that. I don’t want to do anything that will make him think that I care less about him. And, our breakup didn’t stem from mutual boredom, or a reluctance to committ fully to someone else…we broke up because I hurt him by questioning his love towards me.
But to some degree, I understand that maybe I’m looking at this from a completely unrealistic perspective, and perhaps this is a common scenario which usually results in two people never dating again. I just don’t really know how to act around him, or the likelihood of this working out. He really really loved me at some point, and I really really love him now; I just hurt him too much. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense, but thank you so much for your advice anyways!
Well, “move on” doesn’t have to mean “date someone else”. It just means, move on with your life. Don’t sit and waste away the days pining for what might have been. Sort things out in your own life and things will fall into place in ways that may pleasantly surprise you.
Gestalt, I’m going through an unhappy breakup right now too; not exactly the scenario you’re in, but it has its similarities. I still love him very much and thought he was the one, and can’t imagine even dating anyone else either.
So I’ve decided to just not date anyone for as long as necessary. It’s kind of putting off the decision to jump back in the game because a tiny little part of me hopes he’ll come back, but giving myself permission to stay out of the whole dating thing makes me feel a little better. I can go on with putting myself back together without outside influence, and get on with doing the other things in my life that need doing. I won’t let my friends push me into seeing someone new until I’m ready, and if that takes years, then so be it.
Sooner or later, I figure time will sort it out - either he’ll pull his head out of his ass and come back, or I’ll get over him and move on. Not having the pressure to do anything right now helps.
Cowgirl Jules, that is basically what I have decided to do as well. It’s good to know someone else is in the same boat. Thanks for sharing the advice, everyone.
