How long after the love of my life leaves until I should hit up the personals?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

There’s a very long, sad story behind it (which I’d be glad to tell in a desperate effort to get some sympathy or if anyone should like to hear me engage in gratitous self-abasement and bathos), but I wonder how long until the girl I was going to ask to marry me has dumped me should I wait to start hitting up the bars/personals, etc.?

It came up quite suddenly and she most likely won’t move her stuff out for another two months (when the lease’s up) and I have the feeling that no matter what John Cusak-esque attempt to get her back (for I still love her, you see) I go through this is really The End.

This sucks.

BTW, if anyone has any ideas for John Cusak-esque attempts to get her back, I’m all ears.

Sigh.

2

I think I need a bit more info. How long were you together? How many people have you loved before her? How many broken hearts have you had?

Other than that, I’m so sorry for your loss. You need a bit of time to grieve and “bury” the relationship.

3

3 yrs (lived together 2)
1
2

Ugh.

4

That “2” is inclusive of this one of course.

Thanks for the sympathy. I really do appreciate it. I suppose the question should be, "so, after you all got dumped by The [would-be] One, how long did it take you get back on your feet (as it were)? I assume the answer is a “when you’re ready,” but I’m just trying to get a sense…

It’s probably too late to save this from being a self-pity session (and if it’s really that brutal, I’d appreciate it if a mod gave it a mercy killing as I’m incompetent to judge), so I’ll try to throw in some actual questions.

So, I’ll throw this one out:

I’ve always thought that this was a great pickup line (AFAIK, I invented it, so if anyone uses it and feels like giving credit for it, it’s me), but never had an opportunity to use it:

After the initial introductions are given, “Hey, do you have a boyfriend?”

If no, “you want one?”

If yes, “Forget about that guy, let’s get together sometime.”

Oh man, that’s really bad, isn’t it. I’ll have to brush off my chatting girls up in the bar skillz. Which I never had. Ugh.

5

Mm. If you’ve been together three years, you’ve lived together for two, and you’ll be living together for two months more, I don’t think you ought to start looking quite yet, even if you were over the woman. If you’re not over, then it’s definitely too early to start looking. SusanStoHelit is right: you’ll need some time to grieve. Some people are different, though, and find comfort in rebounding into the arms (and maybe beds) of new people right away. Maybe you’re like that; I don’t know. If you are, I’d still wait, if I were you. You’ve got two months of co-residence with this woman. Whatever your situation, this would be tricky to explain to any potential dates you might have. And if you’ve still got an emotional attachment to her, this would cloud your feelings when you’re out.

Now, if you’re looking to start a new relationship right away… well, that’s probably not a good idea, even if it sounds good to you. Launching headlong from one serious relationship into another probably isn’t a good idea. It seems you might be too prone to nostalgia if you start looking to seriously date soon after, so if you wind up in a serious relationship soon after, that wouldn’t be fair to this new person, you know?

I’ve had my heart broken before, myself. If you were me (which you’re not,) you’d definitely be best suited to retreat for a while, spend some time alone and/or with friends. Adjust to the new situation. It won’t be easy, and it’ll take time. There’s no less-corny way of putting that.

All my advice is pretty generic, I know. But I don’t know why the breakup happened or what she’s thinking. That might make a difference in my advice. Not knowing that part certainly makes me hold off on offering advice on whether you should hold out hope that you might salvage things. Based on what I know, there’s nothing I feel comfortable saying.

My roommate met his fiancée through the personals. They met in December and were engaged by Valentine’s Day—and she dumped him before Columbus Day. The day after she dumped him, he put his personal profile back up, and boy was she mad. (Of course, why should she be mad if she was perusing the personals the next day, herself?) I don’t think he’s over her yet, though he did meet another girl soon after that fiasco and was calling her his “girlfriend” after their second date—and she lived about 300 miles away, anyway. I don’t think they’re still in touch.

The moral of that anecdote? Chance’s roommate is a flake. The moral could also be that you shouldn’t date someone so soon after breaking up. I don’t recommend it, but then, I’m an old-fashioned kind of job. And I’m employed. And I’m tall. And I speak French. And I’m highly literate. And I slogged through the personals for two years, writing ads based around the aforementioned notions, and those two years led to no girlfriends and very little sex. Exhausted, I quit dating, and announced on Craigslist that I was through with it, and I got a few people writing back about how much they liked my barbaric yawp which was also a celebration of the schadenfreude of seeing that a woman who’d blown me off caustically had gained 75 pounds within eight months of our date. One of those respondents is now my girlfriend, and I’ve never been happier.

I wound up talking about myself a lot, but regardless, I hope my story helps, and I hope my advice is worth something to you. If it isn’t, well… at least I enjoyed writing it, so it wasn’t a total wash. Seriously: we must cultivate our gardens. If we should lose the most important thing in our lives, we still have our lives, and we need to make sure we’re still worth someone else’s time, trouble, love and affection. If a woman you still love saw enough value in you to stay with you for three years, it’s not unreasonable to expect it to happen again. Just look after yourself; you’ll inevitably find delight in this, and if someone else is going to, too, then that’s the best way to lead to that.

The last woman who broke my heart in hundreds of pieces I still think fondly of. I went through a phase of cursing and condemning her, but now I’m through it, and I appreciate our time together, though I don’t want to go back. I don’t know if this can happen in your situation; every situation is different. But if it can happen, the perspective will feel good. I hope none of this leads to any kind of bitterness, but then, I hope that for most every person. Except when they need a shot of schadenfreude.

6

Dude, one liners are almost never good. So please for the love of Og don’t try them.

Also, while your at it, if you do start talking to women, don’t mention or say anything about the one that got away. Unless asked specificaly. And don’t speak badly about her either. Even if she wah the bitch from hell, don’t do it.

As far as the waiting part goes? Eh, to each his own I guess. I waited about .02 secs (And that’s stretching it a bit) before I went back out there. But I knew from the get-go that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I just wanted to go have me some good ol’ fashioned adult fun.

Three years later I still am. It wasn’t untill just recently, that I’m ready for a “keeper” so to speak. But I really haven’t put all that much effort into lookiing.

7

At the very least, I’d wait until y’all have moved out.

In a more general sense, it’s been about three-and-a-half months since I had my heart broken by the woman I loved, and only lately am I starting to think that it would be nice to chat with a pretty girl. If you’ve been with her for three years, my guess is that even after the two of you move out (hell, probably especially after the two of you move out, and you have some space and some sense of finality) you’ll still need some time to grieve.

But hey, everyone’s different, as all the posters up in here have said. Maybe you’ll get your own place, buy a black leather couch and some Thomas Nagle prints, and spend every weekend with a new Special Lady. Or not.

From a strict human decency/sense of propriety point of view, though, again, you should probably wait until after the move.

8

First of all, don’t use pickup lines. At all.

Better: “Hi, my name’s________. How are you tonight?” Try to start a conversation, not flirt. That comes later.

Secondly, don’t look for love in a bar. Look for it in a library, or a club of people of similar interests, or in the park while you’re walking your dog-- hell, just about everywhere you go you can find people who have similar hobbies or interests. The bar scene is just a waste of time.

Thirdly, don’t go out looking for a relationship. It smacks of desperation and will cause you to “settle.” As hard as it may be, you need to be happy with yourself before you can make anyone else happy. Get your life in order. Accept who you are, and learn from your experiences. When the time is right, probably when you least expect it (or have even given up, expecting to remain single) you’ll meet that special person.

But you can’t expect for good things to happen in that way if you’re still in love with your ex. Until you can get over her, you are being unfair to any girlfriend that you have.

9

Don’t go out looking for a girlfriend, go look for friends. If some of them happen to be female, and some of those happen to be attractive to you (meaning you like them as people and want to hang out with them, not just beauty), and they happen to be single, that’s great.

If none of the people you meet happen to be female, you may need different hobbies. Find things you enjoy doing that also involve other people, and you’ll meet people who enjoy doing things you want to do. This increases your chances of meeting people you want to hang out with.

I’d suggest you avoid getting into a new relationship until you no longer feel like you’re “bouncing back” from this one. The term “on the rebound” is not meant to be positive, with bouncy, peppy, springy overtones.

10

Yeah I don’t think you should be hooking up with anyone new just yet.

11

Don’t let them tell you different. That pickup line’s brilliant - it’s the exact same one I told my sister to use on her now husband when she asked me how to ask him out.

Yeah, she didn’t use it either.

Man, that’s harsh. My heart’s out to ya. But listen to the Dopers - it’s not quite time, yet. Give it a while. You need to yell, holler, cry, rave, and heal a bit first.

Sorry it’s happened to you. But think - now you’ll find the girl you’re really meant to be with.

12

I just had someone rip my heart out and shove it down my throat last night too. A little bit over dramatic, but that’s what I felt like. And how long before I started looking for someone else? About half an hour. But to be fair, that was only a two month relationship, if you can even call it a relationship, so don’t begin to compare it to your three year one. And yeah, I’m going to repeat your assumed answer of “when you’re ready” but when you feel like browsing again, sit back and think whether it’s because you want someone new to spite that someone old, or if you’re ready to pour your out onto a new relationship.

Yeah, I don’t think I give good advice, given my current state and lack of life experience. It’s easier to advise than to actually do though, ya know?

Either way, whether my so-called advice was helpful or not, you have my sympathy as I know exactly what it feels like right now.

13

Ugh, that sucks. It took me at least a year to get over the guy I thought was perfect for me, and another couple years until I was interested in being in a relationship again. May your recovery be much swifter.

I second Ethilrist’s advice: start looking for friends, not relationships. One advantage is, you get a sense of whether you’re compatible before you even get into a romantic relationship. Also, if a girl likes hanging out with you as a friend, there’s a much better chance that she’ll be interested in dating you. I have lots of guy friends, and I’ve had crushes on most of them at one time or another. If you’re looking for a one-night stand, then bars and pickup lines are fine, but they’re unlikely to lead to a relationship.

Good luck to you, and I hope you feel better soon.

14

Sorry to hear that this happened to you. :frowning: I can’t imagine how much pain you must be in at this time.
Yes, trying to jump into a new relationship too fast is NOT a good idea, but I definitely find it helps my recovery process to get back out there meeting new people. I have a tendency to idealize the guy and think “Oh no, I’ll never meet someone that good again” at first, but it helps me put the loss of the guy in perspective if I get out there and meet other decent guys. A good reminder that the cliche about fish being plentiful in the sea is indeed true. :slight_smile:
If you can think of a new hobby or activity that you have always wanted to try, this is the time to do it, as a distraction and perhaps a way to make some new friends.
I hope that you find yourself in a happier situation soon.

15

couple weeks then get on the personals. Sometimes getting someone new helps you get over the last one so you don’t sit around feeling sorry for yourself. But you want to have that buffer time in case she comes back to you. You don’t want to be getting involved with somebody else if you want her back. In that couple weeks tell her to get her stuff outta there then you can get on with the rest of your life.

16

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think that the decision to hit the personals was a bit premature (ridiculously premature) and mostly borne out of desperation.

After many hours conversation, I finally threw all the cards on the table (as it were) and made my best attempt at a nice dinner and set the table (we have a nice dining room table, something that she’s wanted for a long time), got some flowers, brought out a haiku about her I’d written some time ago (hey, it caused her to melt once!) and…well, finally got the definitive statement of why she made her decision.

Now I feel like such a heel.

Not that I’m complaining as it’s entirely appropriate. I just wish she said something earlier, when there was still time to change things.

Sigh.

17

Please, PLEASE, do not now, or ever use this pick-up line. It’s been used on me (by the guy who usually drove the bus I took home, no less) and it wound up being increadibly skeevy. I know you’d mean it in a joking manner, but it’ll probably wind up sounding creepy.

18

Chairman Pow–You have all my sympathy. Breakups are hard, miserable things to deal with. Having lived together only makes it worse. Breakups between people who’ve been sharing a place feel more like divorces than they do like break-ups, especially if your family’s adopted your SO and your SO’s family has adopted you.

It might help if you thought about the situation this way–if your ex-girlfriend broke up with you, then she wasn’t right for you. Nor, most probably, was she the love of your life. After all, wanting to stay with you is a pretty important quality in women you have romantic relationships with, right? Somewhere out there is a woman with whom you’re much more compatible–someone who wouldn’t want to leave you and who you wouldn’t want to leave, yourself.

There are two things you can do to help ease the pain and speed recovery. I speak from brutal experience here, so trust me on this.

  1. Stop beating yourself up over what you think you did wrong. You did the best you knew how, like anyone else in love. And, as you pointed out yourself, your ex really should have let you know that she was upset with you and why she felt the way she did. So you can think of the deepening problems between you as partially her fault, too. At the very least, you didn’t have communication styles in synch. Now that you’re separated from her, that’ll leave you open to find the woman who’s your true match.

  2. Move out of the place you shared. If I were you, I wouldn’t even wait for that lease to be up. Find a new apartment. Sell off, donate, or chuck all the stuff you have that reminds you of her. Get new furniture, new clothes, new books…new whatever that wasn’t around in your life when you and she were together. You might want to keep things that you got before you ever met your ex, but definitely get rid of all the things you bought together. Moving out and getting new stuff will give you the feeling of having a clean break. Unless you truly can’t move out, find a new place. Now. It’s worth losing a couple months of rent to get new digs ASAP. I didn’t do this, and I ended up regretting it immensely.

19

I can at least intellectually understand the first point, of course, getting that empty spot in my stomach to understand it as well as is more difficult.

The second one however, is very interesting and significantly more problematic. I think it is very good advice. I will have to meditate on this.

20

Yeah, I know. It’s a lot easier to talk about than it is to actually do.

Thanks–I’m flattered that you think I gave you some good advice. But, listen–don’t meditate on it. Just do it. Do it on autopilot. Do it while you have a certain amount of protective numbness and shock to keep you from despair. The longer you wait on this, the worse it’ll feel. The benefits of making a clean break with your old surroundings are really at their maximum when you just do it quickly.