I’ve got a similar story, though it happened in Brazil. I sent my laptop through the machine. The guy asked me, completely seriously and urgently, if I had a knife in it! I said no. He said OK, go on your way.
I’m not sure what he saw that he thought was a knife, but he really seemed concerned about it.
Hee hee hee…
Just after 9/11/01 (December 2001), our family flew to NYC. On the flight back, we got flagged. I was thoroughly patted down by a female TSA person, who frankly deserved a tip after the massage she gave me. Anyway, after running her hands all over my 6 months pregnant belly, she asked if I was wearing a belt. WTF?!? Before I could stop myself, I blurted out “Did you FIND a belt?” :rolleyes:
Then it was hubby’s turn- a guy was patting him down, and encountered a non-dick-shaped bulge in his front pocket. He asked my husband what it was, and hubby answered “My wallet.” “Oh, okay” says dipshit, and that’s it! Doesn’t even ask him to take it out of his pocket! :smack:
Inconvenience does not equal security. TSA and it’s policies are 100% bullshit and do next to nothing to keep us safe. My brother is ex-military (Rangers, SF) and works in executive protection and security. He laughs himself into a hernia every time he flies.
Bring a tube of astroglide with you, so you don’t have to wait for them to find one.
Oh, man, that article is a hoot to read. Thinking that the EPA could actually effectively run oversight on security? Chemical plants as safe as milk plants? Its facts put together without enough understanding to interpret what is going on, so it ends up reading like a conspiracy theory.
Simple answer is, the chemical industry is just as secure or unsecure as air transporation or milk plants, and for similar reasons all around. I don’t ascribe to malice what incompetence will adequately explain.
I’m curious if the military seems to not be using commercial airliners as much because of the TSA foolishness.
My most recent amusement with pointless security involved starting out in an open air hangar a couple hundred feet from the plane, being bussed to a terminal, going through security where no one looked at anyone’s stuff, and then been put back on a bus and carried back to the exact same hangar to board the plane.
I haven’t been singled out for “special treatment” beyond having a backpack swiped for explosive residue.
What do you suppose would happen if someone tossed a book of lit matches in the big bin of disposable lighters and other portable flammables?
Not airport, but similar security stupidity at Kennedy Space Center, Cape Canaveral.
In case you don’t know, the entire Cape is a wildlife preserve. Except for periods of about 48 hours just before any launch, most of the place is open to the public. There is even a 2 lane causeway through a mangrove estuary that goes right by the Shuttle launch pads and ends at Canaveral National Seashore.
Several times a year we bring bird (or wildife) tours to the Cape area. We drive a van, and perhaps 8 or 10 “bird watchers” are shepherded by myself and another of my staff. One highlight is the National Seashore, where, in addition to alligators, deer, and many rare birds, we have even observed whales.
To facilitate public visitation, the causeway road has a number of paved pull off areas-- just a wide spot in the pavement where a few cars can stop without impeding traffic. Of course, there are signs instructing visitors to use these and not stop in the road or on the grassy shoulders. From most of these, the Shuttle, if it is on its pad, is visible at what feels like arm’s length. (Probably less than a mile.)
On our first trip to the Cape after 9/11, we found that each and every pull-off had been barricaded, to prevent cars from stopping in them. Since this interfered with our ability to observe the wildlife, we made inquiry and were told that this is a “security measure”.
So think about it. The road goes within a mile of the launch pad, easily within range of shoulder-mounted ordnance or a small mortar. But I’m sure that the terrorists have been totally frustrated. I can hear the conversation when they report back:
“Osama, we couldn’t carry out the mission to blow up the Shuttle! We drove right down the road, and there it was! Just like we planned! But the crafty Great Satan made sure that all of the pull-off spaces were BLOCKED!! And we knew that we would get a ticket if we stopped on the grass, or in the road, to fire the bazooka. So we came back. What are we going to do?!!?”
Several years have passed, and only recently have the blocked pull-offs been re-opened. We asked a Ranger if he saw the humor in this "security"measure, but apparently Federal employment requires the surgical removal of a sense of humor. He answered that “We haven’t had an attack, so it worked!”
duh…
When the Challenger exploded some people thought that the Lybians were responsible for it, to which some NASA official is said to have responded, “There’s a gator filled swamp surrounding the complex, and when the complex was being built we had a number of condtruction workers attacked by them. I doubt anybody else would be able to make it through alive.” (Or words to that effect.) How things have changed.
Oh if we’re moving beyond airports…
Here are two operating procedures I’ve received from the same person.
[ul][li]When someone comes in the building I’m supposed to check their ID and bounce that information off the resident report verifying that they actually live there. It apparently doesn’t matter if I checked them before and they’ve been in and out all day everyday for a week, they might suddenly be someone else. Check everyone every time. Add to this the apparent assumption that if someone isn’t on the resident report to let them through anyway, since it’s usually not up-to-date.[/li]If the working crew is out or inaccessible and a resident needs assistance, I should put up a note (“Back in 5 minutes” or some such) and leave the checkpoint. I suppose everyone is going to wait for me to come back so I can check their ID?[/ul]
Nothing has changed. The gators and the swamp are still there. But so are the roads! (Although, as I noted above, the roads now contain significant barriers to terrorist activity.)
More, in fact.
We are always stopped at the entrance booth, after paying our admission fee, for a “security inspection”. Envision an ordinary 12 passenger window van with 6 or 8 little old ladies holding binoculars and knapsacks inside. Driven by 2 guys in “Jim Fowler suits” (the khaki shirts and pants that seem to be universal with us “wildlife guys”). On the back bumper is a great big cooler with drinks and lunches.
So we’re told to “pull over there for inspection” and my staffer and I get out. Along comes a Ranger pushing what looks like a broom, but is actually a mirror on small wheels, maneuvered by broomstick. He uses this to look under the vehicle where, I can only suppose, someone might have secreted a bomb. This of course begs the question of exactly what such a device might look like, and how it can be differentiated from all of the dirt and grease encrusted lumps and bumps that are a normal part of a van’s underside. I (wisely) hold my tongue.
After “inspecting” the entire underside, Mr. Ranger then peers into a window of the van. The old ladies peer back. He turns to me, gestures toward the interior, and asks “What’s in those bags?” Assuming he means the ladies’ knapsacks, I carefully answer “cameras and such”. I fully expect him to ask for a physical inspection, since there are quite a number of such articles and their total volume is sufficient, if translated into explosives, to eradicate most of that end of the Cape from existence. But he doesn’t ask, and I don’t volunteer.
He then returns to the rear of the van and again inspects the underside of the cooler with his wheelie-mirror. It apparently fascinates him. He asks me “What’s inside that?”, indicating said cooler. I answer, again carefully, “Lunches?”. “Oh, OK” he replies, “Well, you can go now”.
Aside-- my answers are careful because of a previous experience, pre- 9/11. At the entry gate, paying our fee, the Ranger had asked “What are you here for?”. Rather than pointing out the absurdity of asking such a question of a group of little old ladies in tennis shoes encumbered with thousands of dollars worth of binoculars and camera gear, entering one of the world’s most famous wildlife viewing areas, and too sarcastic by native bent to answer simply “Bird watching”, I tried to make a joke and said “We heard this was a great place to hunt for Bald Eagles”. That resulted in our being delayed for a half hour lecture on the protected status of our national symbol. So my answers to Ranger questions are now most carefully uttered, after close examination and inhibition of any irony or humor.
Back to the “security inspection”, which we have now passed. This despite the fact that the interior of the van was completely unexamined and could have contained anything up to and including Stinger missiles. The cooler, also unexamined, could have held at least two more, or an awful lot of explosives or firearms. And the underside of the van had been visually inspected to confirm the presence of unidentifiable random large lumps and bumps covered with a crafty application of road grime. So we drove on in.
Don’t you feel safer, knowing that your national security is in good (albeit humorless) hands? Gosh, I sure do!
As I mentioned in the pit thread on people who don’t tip, when I am working I drive onto a local military base anywhere from 6-10 times per shift on average. Each time I am required (technically) to verify the name, address and phone number of the person I am delivering to (which involves a call to that person to confirm that they did indeed order a pizza), and have my vehicle searched.
However since they give me a pass valid for 3 days when I get there, I only go through the first step that often. Very few of the guards (private security contractors/rentacops) seem to notice or care.
The vehicle inspection checkpoint is where it gets interesting. I pull up, turn off the engine, put the keys on the dash, and wait while a guard with the little wheelie-mirror gadget checks the underside of the car. Frequently, while they are doing this, the guard is NOT EVEN LOOKING AT THE MIRROR. He just rolls it along while talking to his partner about the latest sports scores, or looking at something shiny in the distance.
Then I get out of the vehicle, open all doors, compartments, trunk, hood, etc. Again, I have no problem with this in principle. These are common sense security measures.
However- Problems in application:
-They make me open (sometimes) the gas cap
It’s full of gasoline! What could I have in there that is more dangerous than gasoline?
-The don’t check under the floor of the trunk (where the spare tire is normally kept). They better hope Al Quaida operatives never get a flat, otherwise they might discover this secret compartment.
And best/worst of all:
I’m carrying 1-3 large red parcels that are not searched (not is any other closed container, backpack, etc. My car is empty except for the hot bags containing the pizza. At least, they trust my word that they are full of pizzas, and not 50 lbs. of C4/heroin/weapons with a smelly pizza on top of them.
Do you have the stones to ask them why they seemingly only go through the motions? I don’t, but I’d love to know. Are they “profiling” in reverse? Do they think they know you? Or is the whole system just a put-up job to project a false sense of security and they are as cynical as your user name?
Funny, they always give me a seat by the Emergency Exits. You know, the ones where you’re expected to open the door in an emergency and help people get out?
That’s fine. Cause I know how to open it. And I will be the first motherfucker off the plane!
… ladies and children my ass! They can open their own door.
Oh, yeah, this is a good time to mention: http://www.homelandstupidity.us/ which keeps track of really stupid things the gubmint does in the name of “National Security!”
How odd. I have to wear underwires due to ummmm…structural integrity issues. I don’t remember them setting it off, but I’m pretty much used to being wanded and chosen for the “special” treatment. In my job, we frequently get tickets in under the time limit allowed (if you buy a ticket to fly less than 3 days hence, or something, you automatically get chosen).
My barrettes always set off the wand. It’s so funny, several times, they’ve kept carefully wanding around my entire head and neck despite me directing the wand TO the barrette and, as it beeps stating “it’s the barrette”.
I honestly don’t get annoyed at this. Like someone else mentioned, frequently it gets you through the line faster AND you get to sit down (I insist upon it due to my leg). I always get to the airport super early so that I’m not pressured for time. Since one can read anywhere, I figure so what if I’m a bit early?
Not that I’m a saint, I have my pet peeves, I’ve just always found this a bit more amusing than enraging.
Also, to the person in the thread talking about the behaviour of TSA employees. Call over a supervisor. I have had one issue where an idiot fellow passenger was roughly shoving my laptop out of his way while I was in the “special attention” area not able to protect it. I kept telling them “STOP, that guy is about to drop my laptop”. I finally got a supervisor’s attention and they dealt with it. I had no problems with giving them a very hard time about it.
Yes, screwing with TSA employees is the best way to get the policies changed. The lady who tells you that you must have your liquids and gels in a little, clear plastic bag sets all those policies. :rolleyes:
Not My Story, but a friend of Mr. Ujests
A couple of years before 9/11, my husband and a coworker did a business trip that started in Northern Italy and ended ( for my husband) in Frankfurt. The coworker continued on to Sweden.
My husband missed several pages by the airport system asking him to return to where ever and blythely he flew home. My husband speaks fluent german. His buddy, does not.
His coworker was traveling with a steel/metal suitcase that could not be properly xrayed and the contents were unknown.
This coworker ended up being called down onto the tarmac at Frankfurt and was surrounded by a handful of their airport security ( Military with scary ass uzi’s or something similiar.) and repeatedly asked in German what he suspected was " What is in this suitcase…"
German Tact oxymoron, language barriers, weaponry at the ready, and a hang over from the Send Off party the night before from my husbands family ( who know how to send someone off.) made for an apparent hysterically uncomfortable 20 minutes or so before our friend somehow managed to either get his side of the story across or open the case without a BOOOOM. ( I can’t remember, its at least 10 years ago.)
He explained the stuff was for work. He was a salesman and god he had a hang over from the (german word for send off party) and that his coworkers family threw them last night and he was never touching (some liquor) again. EVAR.
" Oh. Okay then. You can go." came the interrogator.
He barely made his flight.
What’s funny (funny strange, not funny ha-ha) is that all this is from 3000 people dying 6 years ago. Meanwhile, another quarter of a million have died from cars. If they’d put half the money they put into TSA into traffic safety (or, say, public transport), they might have actually saved some lives.
I’ve learned to put my highly suspicious metal tatting shuttle in a plastic bag for all to see after the time I held up the line when it was detected hiding in my purse by the metal detector.
“What IS that?” was the question when they finally found it.
“It’s a tatting shuttle. See, it’s got the thread wound around it? And that hook on the tip? I couldn’t hurt anybody with that if I wanted to.”
“Oh, yeah!” says TSA employee #2. “I remember! My grandma used to have one of those.”
I’m frequently flagged for extra screening, and have dozens of tales. My favorite is the most recent. I was traveling with two carry-ons: a messenger bag, and my violin.
In the messenger bag is my laptop, MP3 player, cell phone, chargers for all three of those, and a digital camera. There’s also two books, my little baggy of toiletries, wallet, keys, a notebook, and so on.
In my violin case, there is a violin and a violin bow. There’s also some rosin, a humidifier (it’s basically a foam tube), shoulder rest, spare bridge, and two spare strings. In the top of the case there’s a bunch of sheet music.
The guy searching me opens my messenger bag, literally glances into the main compartment, and is satisfied. He then spends five minutes rifling through my music, searching the violin case for god-knows-what (seriously, it looked like he was expecting a false bottom), and carelessly turning my instrument over in his hands.
Let’s see, which would be easier to hide something in: a large bag full of electronics, wires and cables, and god knows what else, or a violin?
Speaking of grandma-type items, the TSA won’t let someone have a 2 inch knife blade on a keychain, or 6 ounces of shampoo in a bottle, but will let me and my stanless steel knitting needles on the plane every time… :dubious:
And about the “reinforced cockpit door?” In the very front of the plane, the lavatory shares a flimsy wall with the cockpit- so I guess the villian should skip the front door and go through the lav wall…
:rolleyes: