I am functional in some ways. I have struggled with so many issues my whole life and thought I was just broken and weird. I was molested by my father as a kid and I thought that was probably my main issue. I tried for years to get help, and got so many labels that didn’t quite explain what was going on in my head. And I have so many weird quirks and phobias and issues, I struggle to do things most adults my age mastered around age 15. I can’t get myself to go to a doctor or dentist. I set out for job interviews and end up driving past my appointment, panicking, and going home defeated. But then I also did really good as a parent, at least so far, for what I have going on. My girls are turning out pretty awesome so that’s a good thing.
A little over a year ago I got a preliminary diagnosis of autism (suggested by my daughter’s OT after I talked about my daughter and I having similar issues and me not knowing if her problem was autism or me being a bad example of how to human) and everything started making a whole hell of a lot more sense. Because I don’t have insurance and to get a full dx would have cost thousands of dollars I’ve just tried to learn from my daughter’s therapists and I’ve joined some groups where I’ve learned so much about how to move forward. I’ve learned about executive function. I see how I have some pretty bad sensory issues. I was in CLUE as a kid, and I apparently have an exceptionally high IQ but I struggle to remember right from left. I have always had twitches and auditory defensiveness. People love me but I struggle to bond. I want relationships but people really, really have to pursue me because I don’t mean to, but I push people away. I don’t answer messages. I forget to call people back. I’m super warm and loving and a good friend when people are with me but I go off in my own world when they’re not present. My brother gets mad at me because I never call. I just get involved with whatever I’m working on and I forget everyone else exists outside this house. And I really, really struggle to leave the house. It’s like being underwater. I am counting the minutes until I’m back home and I really hate that. It’s just a lot of little things like that I never really thought about other than my weird and embarrassing quirks.
So anyway, I struggle to be functional in the accepted way that adults should function. But lately I’ve been feeling pretty okay about myself and I think that can be pretty functional in itself.