missing a kidney.
Would:
…peacefully in his sleep…
…moments after becoming the first person to receive a Nobel, Pulitzer, Emmy, Caldecott, and Grammy in the same year…
…with an Earth-shattering kaboom…
Would not:
…destitute…
…painful…
…only days before a cure was found…
…hitherto-unknown neurotoxin…
Would not:
“…parasites hatched, devouring…”
“…skeletonized in under a minute…”
“…charred bone fragments later found…”
“…autocannibalism…”
Would: “known for his generosity”
Would not: “known to police”
Would not:
“…had been assumed to be a Halloween decoration, however…”
Wouldn’t:
“…pupae were found throughout…”
“…eaten by his cat…”
“…evacuated 300 000 people from the surrounding…”
“…were able to use their decontamination…”
“…fleas and bedbugs…”
Wouldn’t:
“…until the neighbors reported a strange smell…”
“…presumably at the hand of his husband…”
“…in spite of all efforts to free him…”
“…as if the meteorite had his name on it…”
“…unable to explain what happened to the body…”
“…the coroner would say only that it was not of human origin…”
“…a failed attempt to free himself by amputating…”
“…might as well never had lived…”
wouldn’t:
“found castrated, mutilated and set on fire.”
would:
“could not be revived after an afternoon nap.”
Would:
“…died owing millions to bookies, hookers, and drug dealers.”
“The President addressed the nation after the tragedy…”
“… gave his life for his best friend…”
“… the body was remarkably undamaged…”
Wouldn’t:
“… inside the volverine…”
“… while while attempting to explain what tea bagging really is to people attending a Tea Party rally.”
“… gave his life for Glen Beck…”
“… the first responders to the scene mistakenly identified his body as an unusually large stuffed roast turkey…”
Would:
" … thereby putting him in a position to insult the Pope until His Holiness broke down in tears."
“After exposing widespread corruption in multiple national governments across the Pacific Rim … "
" … and leveraged that knowledge to create a communications network that is as ubiquitous as it is impossible to censor.”
" … causing the Nobel Committee to rethink its longstanding rule against posthumous awards."
Would Not:
" … shocking first responders that so many safety interlocks could be disabled at once by someone still inebriated enough to … "
"On the inside, however, his body was a mass of … "
"He was identified by dental records once most of the jaw had been reconstructed … "
“… the children had to be deterred from scooping up what they thought was strawberry jam…”
Would: body donated to science
Wouldn’t:body donated to perverts
This one would be fine with me. Bang. Over. Never saw it coming. No time to feel it.
On the other hand, I wouldn’t want:
…pecked to death by ducks…
…particularly slow piranhas…
Wouldn’t:
Animal experts are puzzled, as squirrels had never before exhibited such levels of violence or teamwork.
Would:
The funeral was disrupted by Pamela Anderson and Natalie Portman loudly arguing over which one was his true love.
Would
“Our beloved Overlord . . .”
“. . . peacefully in his sleep . . .”
“. . . his immense wealth is to be given to his 11 grandchildren . . .”
“. . . debating an addition to Mt. Rushmore . . .”
Would not
“. . . feral Chihuahuas . . .”
“. . . bled out . . .”
“. . . hospital has issued the statement, ‘Oops. Our bad.’”
Here’s an excellent example of several sentence fragments to avoid.
It includes:
“…sex stunt with tree…”
“…had a small piece of cord wrapped around his penis…”
“…died from hypothermia and blood loss from cuts on his wrists…”
“…stripped naked and attached himself to the tree…”
“…was quite a lot of dried blood on his arms…”
“… body was seized by necrophiliac cannibals…”
“… the stench was overwhelming…”
“… eaten by her own children…”
Would: “…world’s oldest man…”
Would not: “…forensic entomologists…”
Would:
[ul]
[li]"…the orphanage had no trouble raising money for a memorial to him…"[/li][li]"…will replace “Casanova” as a synonym for lover…"[/li][li]"…have already started writing songs and plays to his incredible life…"[/li][li]"…multiple religions assumed he was their prophet…"[/li][li]"…responsible for the end of the worldwide plague of cilantro…"[/li][li]"…heralded the next stage in human evolution…"[/li][/ul]
Would not:
[ul]
[li]"…name will forever be associated with hysterical cannibalism…"[/li][li]"…anus was large enough for a watermelon to fit through…"[/li][li]"…presumed dead after he was dragged screaming into the anthill…"[/li][li]"…pictures of his remains have inspired horror movies…"[/li][li]"…starred in a popular reality TV show…"[/li][li]"…was actually born a female, unbeknowst to him…"[/li][/ul]
That would be a really odd sentence on YOUR obituary, wouldn’t it?