Would not:
“His last words were, ‘Let’s find out.’”
“smoldering remains”
“…aren’t sure what he was thinking…”
“the smell of burnt flesh and cotton candy…”
Apropos events of today:
“…was found decapitated after a monster truck lost control and smashed through a cluster of fans standing too close to the track.”
“…gained universal, albeit unwanted, fame after a years-old message board post went viral worldwide.”
“… his bizarre death ultimately resulted in the recall of more than half a million Charleston Chew candy bars…”
“…stripped of flesh, presumably by the housepets, who had gone unfed in the weeks since…”
“…when a pot of boiling fruit preserves bubbled explosively…”
“…persistent vegetative state following a freak knitting accident in which a needle penetrated his…”
Wouldn’t:
“…cats did not go hungry…”
“…debris lodged in his throat turned out to be a large piece of his own…”
“…witnesses advised to immediately seek counselling…”
“…the combined staff of the three nearest firehouses were unable to…”
“…last seen stepping into a taxi cab in Mexico City…”
Would
“…national day of mourning declared…”
“…suggest funeral attendees arrive early, as parking at the Staples Center may be insufficient…”
Hahah, I didn’t even see this when I posted mine.
Would not:
“…modified laser level was powerful enough to…”
“…glue had set around his…”
“…gradually lost all motor function…”
“…enraged hornets…”
“…swept him and the crocodile downstream…”
“…horrible irony…”
“…unstoppable diarrhea…”
“…pancaked between the two huge…”
“…gored…”
“… a rescue attempt was thwarted by agressive chiggers and field mice…”
Would- “all networks have announced their regular programming will be preempted for live coverage of the funeral.”
vs
“…all networks preempted their regular programming for live coverage of the execution…”
“…finally proceeded after multiple attempts by prison officials to insert the needle…”
Would:
- “…once, in 1960, for 20 minutes…”
- “…NSFW…”
- “…1920’s-style death ray…”
- “…when came back, brought pie…”
Would not:
- “…burning your dog…”
- “…graped by the Grapist…”
- “…Hi, Opal…”
Wouldn’t -
Courtesy of Jorge Luis Borges. For the man in the short story, his father’s death is tragic, but no one takes it seriously.
“… was walking down the street when a pig fell on him from a balcony …”
Would: “revivification is scheduled for…”
ETA also, “was humanely destroyed, his consciousness having been transferred…”
Would:
"… a national holiday was declared to mourn his passing … "
Would not:
"… a national holiday was declared to celebrate his passing … "
Wouldn’t:
“…in through his anus and out through his eye socket…”
“…a pack of yodellers were arrested, though their leader remains…”
“…yak foetus…”
Would:
“…projected by his own spectacular flatulence into the propellor of a crop-duster piloted by a drug-crazed rock ‘n’ roll clown.”
“…still entangled in their slender limbs and drenched in female ejaculate from nose to knees…”
“…into the Shadow with teeth bared, screaming defiance with his last breath…”
“…after six hours of rocket-boarding the flaming tidal wave, watched live by his horde of zealous fans from the safety of A.R.C…”
Would:
…Nobel Prize winning…
Wouldn’t:
…Darwin Award winning…
Would:
…articles published in Playboy…
Wouldn’t:
…letters published in Penthouse…
Would:
…assisted police by…
Wouldn’t:
His assailant, a known pimp and drug dealer…
Even worse:
His assailant, upset over having bought…
Would:
Traffic will be detoured as the procession…
Wouldn’t:
…ashes were unclaimed.
Even worse:
…will help medical science by…
Would:
“…body donated to science…”
Wouldn’t:
“…body refused by science…”
Wouldn’t: “…body found some distance away with face and genitals apparently chewed off…”
Would: “…with the nearing heat death of the universe…”