Serious problem with my 21 year old son, his WOW addiction, and his lack of education

In My Humble Opinion
1

This will require some backstory so bear with me.

I have a 21 year old son who does not live with me, although we are both in the same area. Over the past several years since about the sophomore year of high school he has become increasingly wedded to WOW. He is a hard core WOW addict. He barely graduated HS, and bombed out of community college after 3 semesters. The reason is simple. He would never do his school work as he was up until the wee hours playing WOW.

His mother, whom he has lived with exclusively since about the age of 14, has never enforced any kind of discipline with this (or anything for that matter) and effectively gave (and still gives) him food, shelter and his Internet connection. Until recently he never held a job. We had several false starts where I would get together with him at my office, we would get a game plan together and he would apply to several places. He would then go home, shut off his phone, and go back to WOW. No one could reach him unless they were willing to come to his door after he got up after 2 in the afternoon. His mother and I have been divorced since 1994, and there is little love lost between us at this point, mainly over how she is enabling him to be a Warcraft bubble boy.

That is (effectively) the way he has been living since he was 16. New finally, with some effort and big dose of luck, he has a server job (just starting) at a national chain casual dining restaurant. I’m praying he gets more hours so he can make some money and stay busy. They are currently giving him about one day a week with the promise of more if he proves himself. He’s trying hard.

So anyway, that’s the current lay of the land. I was in Barnes and Noble with him the the other day trying to convince him that the military might have some good options for him and we were looking at the ASFAB tests. He was reading the tests multiple choice quizzes and asked me if “tenacious” meant stubborn or disagreeable.

There are times in your life when things focus down to a single, bright and terrible point. I realized in that horrible moment that I had a 21 year old who did not know, automatically, what “tenacious” meant, and what his lack of basic vocabulary implied for the rest of this real world level of education. I kept being pleasant, but despair overcame me as I realized my son, my flesh and blood, had effectively stopped reading and learning around his sophomore to junior year of high school, and that 95% of his time had been filled up with WOW console living past that point. He had girlfriend, and he played lacrosse, and was even on the golf team in HS. All that disappeared over time as WOW took more of his time and he was booted off the sports teams for failing grades. And even with all that he is willing to work if directed. He is an Eagle Scout, and that took a substantial effort on his part.

So now I have a kid who is reasonably bright, and wants to get out of the mess he has made of his life, but who has been at the bottom of an intellectual well for the last 5 -6 years. I made him give me his Warcraft PC a week ago, and he’s jonesing to get back online with all the free time he has given the few hours he’s working. He makes no bones about it, he understands he’s addicted, but it does not stop his cravings. He complains that he has all this free time and nothing to fill it.

Where to go from here re getting his vocabulary and the rest of his education up to speed with his peers? Get him a subscription to news magazines? Recommend books to him? Flash cards? It’s all chicken and the egg. I don’t know here to start. I’m at a loss.

2

Offer him GOOD fantasy literature (which WOW is, to some extent, based on). This should be fairly intellectually and emotionally stimulating! If he doesn’t connect with one after being told to try again, try a different series.

I recommend the following:

Lewis’s Narnia (series)
-This one is probably the simplest of them, as it was originally targeted at younger children, but is certainly interesting and meaningful for any age (Lewis famously said that a novel that is worthless for adults is inherently worthless for children).
Tolkien’s Hobbit and Lord of the Rings (series)
Pullman’s His Dark Materials (series)

3

What a story…I feel for you. Now that your son is older and, presumably, more mature, would he take a serious crack at classes at the community college? The military does not sound like a good idea right now.

I’m sure there’s a genre of fiction literature he would enjoy if he got into it. Maybe you could offer some YA stuff, like **The Hunger Games **and see how that goes. You certainly don’t need an expansive vocabulary to enjoy that, so it’s actually a pretty good place to start.

4

Start with ways to fill his free time. Reading is a good one (I like robert_columbia’s suggestions for books), but if he is that unintellectual, he may not be willing to stick with it. Two other good options are classes and volunteer work. You could check out extension or other types of non-credit classes to see if there’s something that might interest him, not necessarily to educate him, but to get him excited about learning – this could lead to him wanting to read and ultimately to seek more education.

Have you talked to him about career goals – even dream ones that may not be realistic for him? There may be a volunteer opportunity there even if it doesn’t lead to a career. The idea is to give him something else to occupy his time and his mind aside from computer games.

How much practical education does he have about personal finance and the daily business of supporting yourself? Can you spend some time talking with him about things like bank accounts, taxes, home ownership, etc. so that he starts to think about building a future for himself?

You might also want to talk to him about addiction. There are plenty of addiction resources out there, not to mention books, movies, etc. I have found that it can be helpful to learn about people experiencing and overcoming addictions that I don’t have to give me some perspective on the ones that I do have. Maybe he can begin to see WOW as an obstacle to getting what he wants in life.

5

The best way to build a vocabulary is to read and everytime you come across a word you do not know, look it up. Find out what his interests are and recommend books and periodicals about those interests. I would especially recommend books published before 1980. Don’t feel too bad about his education in relation to his peers. Most people never read another book after they leave school and only read a couple in school. If he is bright he can get up to speed quickly.
If he really is addicted and you think he would be amenable I would get him some counseling. Most people can not overcome addictions on their own.

6

If he’s in any kind of decent physical condition, I vote for the military. In the Air Force, he’s not likely to get shot at very often, and will have a chance to learn a marketable skill. If he makes it through basic training and technical training, he’ll also have opportunities to pursue his education while he serves.

7

How about some intro level college classes that at least sound interesting to him. You still have to put in the academic work, but at least you generally don’t have to force yourself to do so nearly as much as a class you need for whatever requirement and fricking hate the subject. That will take up some time, and perhaps get him back into “academic mode”. Once he has done that maybe he can step it up and take classes that fullfill requirements and check off the boxes for some future goal. Or even community college / vocational tec courses for the heck of it (for example I have no need to weld or do machine work but I’ve always thought it would be a fun learning experience.).

8

I have to admit, I never really new what tenacious meant till I just looked it up.
Just one of those words I never heard anybody use or really read anywhere (except maybe the band Tenacious D).
And I’m a 41 year-old professional with a college degree making more money than I should at a fortune 200 company.

9

I would try to get him involved in courses that are more physical. Pottery for example. He needs to get back in touch with his body and with live social interaction. Bowling would be good (some community Colleges offer it as a PE credit).

While I certainly appreciate your concern, you’ve got to woo him back to a connection to the physical world. Anything that offers a low-level intellectual challenge will only increase his wish for the all-around mind candy he’s craving.

A martial arts course would also fit the bill. A good dojo that teaches self-discipline would be an enormous bonus.

Keep in mind that his nutrition has probably also been quite poor. His core muscles will be almost gone, and his stimulation-to-effort expectations are way out of whack for normal life.

Get him some good vitamins, and start pushing him to try different fruits and vegtables. Hey! A cooking course would be good!

You can see where I’m trying to lead here. above all fill up his time, and celebrate all accomplishments, however small. He’ll need a lot of encouragement, so sit on the judgement and just praise anything he does which is not TV or internet. When he talks about his cravings, remind him that it’s to be expected, and tell him you’re proud of every day he makes it.

Cravings - the ultimate lie. Cravings tell you that if you just give in, they will lessen. This is the lie. If you give in to cravings they get stronger; you can only beat them by starving them to death.

Oh, and as with all recovering addicts - hug him a lot. they really need it.

10

Another vote for the military if he’s physically able. This would be the perfect time in his life -he’s single, no kids, free to go wherever, etc and it’ll open up all sorts of doors for him. It doesn’t sound like he’s stupid or lazy (you can’t be either and become an Eagle Scout), he just needs a purpose and some self-discipline.

11

I would come at this from a different direction. As opposed to seeking ways to have him, in essence, pull himself up by his bootstraps, I think what the OP has described could be seen as a very serious psychological issue.

Almost failing out of high school, and actually failing out of community college, because of a video game is a really serious matter. I would first be concerned that there may be issues of serious depression, social anxiety, or something like that which would require treatment before other efforts could stand a chance at success. In other words, I’d see compulsive playing of WoW as a symptom of a larger problem, rather than merely being the cause of his educational and work troubles.

12

I think a good way for your son to catch up on some basic knowledge is to study for the ASFAB. There’s a good variety of most subjects. He could also pick up a study guide for the SAT or ACT. It’s a fast way to pick up the things most people know.

It’s really mature of your son to realize he has a problem and let you take his computer away. One thing I’ve noticed is that boys mature so much slower than girls in general but that most of them figure it out eventually. Being a parent of an adult is very frustrating.

13

The military might be a bit extreme but he does need to be removed from his addiction until he can break the habit.

Unfortunately, since he lives with his mother who will apparently not stop him from indulging in WOW, you may have few options that are not the military.

Another option would be to ‘cut him off.’ Meaning he has a certain amount of time to either start paying a decent rent or to get out on his own. Again, this will not be possible unless his mom cooperates.

While I always had goals and strove to be independant as a teen, I can see that it is so much easier for all parties (parents included) to just let this continue rather than change the status quo. Your ex gets to have her son around and he gets taken care of. Letting go is certainly one of the hardest parts of being a parent.

14

I don’t know that the Lord Of The Rings would necessarily be the best choice for getting into fantasy reading - I read them in college, and tried to reread them a few years ago and found them kind of hard to get into. They just don’t suck you IN the way some other books do.

That said, with the WoW situation he might be motivated enough to plow through them.

I have a friend whose daughter was basically flunking 8th grade - IMPOSSIBLE to wake up. It later came to light that she’d been waiting until her parents went to bed, then sneaking to where the computer was and playing it ALL NIGHT. She was in enough trouble due to the absences etc. that the authorities nearly got called in by the school. I’ve heard horror stories about how addictive this game is.

There must be support resources for internet addiction. Of course your son has to want to change and it sounds like he has no REASON to want to change. His needs (food, shelter, internet) are being taken care of without any effort. Your ex has a lot to answer for.

15

This topic seems familiar, didn’t someone else have the exact same problem with his kid a few months ago?

Anyways, my advice here and in the other topic is the same: Get an account on WOW and kill him whenever he’s online. Just stalk the hell out of him and murder his character until its no fun for him anymore.

16

Point him in the direction of the library. And maybe a nearby community college. Perhaps without the WoW PC, he might feel like using all that free time to maybe trying to actually do some of the work. Is he not interested in a degree at all? Does he have any asipirations at all, aside from playing WoW?

17

Didn’t we have a thread about him going to the military before?

18

Exercise is one of the things that tempered my video game compulsion. RPG’s suck you in because your gains are so obvious (increasing in level, or getting a new +10 sword of destiny). With running or lifting weights the gains are obvious and measurable, and have real-life benefits, it is your own body after all. So I say take him to the gym, or hiking, or rock climbing, or anything physical.

19

Yeah, I was going to say the same thing. Even if he’s not depressed, a councilor could help him stay focused and accountable. If he’s open to it, it would be worth having him talk to someone who specializes in addiction. Like any addiction, the game is just the symptom.

I also agree with the suggestion for exercising. Maybe you and he could go running or weightlifting a couple times a week. Or you said he was a golfer - maybe that. Martial arts is also a great idea. Depending on where you live, you might even find him some fencing or kendo classes.

20

I’ve played enough WoW and Evercrack in my life that, though I’ve never been addicted, I can see how it can happen. It’s very difficult to get away from it when it’s that tied in to your life; you not only have an extremely compelling game to play, but you have a TON of friends online. some of which you become very close to, so you also have a social aspect to deal with.

My advice would be to wean him slowly off it with OTHER, non-Internet games. Can you get him a computer, but without an Internet connection (or block WoW from his mother’s connection?) If so, go buy him a few games of the single player variety. That way, he has something to do, he can fill that void, but you’re taking away the social aspect which is the major part of the problem (if not all the problem. You used to hear about people playing too many video games pre-MMORPG, but not to the extent it is now with the social+game aspect the MMORPGs bring.)

So see if that works. Maybe he’ll spend a few weeks with a single player game, then slowly figure out other stuff to do, and you’ll make some progress. I think going cold turkey and taking away both the entertainment and the social aspect of WoW might be extremely difficult, so take away one, and maybe the other will resolve itself.