Good for you for taking the computer, that’s a first step
There are a lot of on-line support groups ( and possibly IRL ones ) from people with WOW addictions. I just glanced at a few of them and there are a lot of people telling stories similar to your sons. Maybe one of these groups would be a good thing for him, it appears to be a very real addiction and some 12 stepping might help.
Exercise & perhaps Trade School.
What about the Peace Corps? Maybe he could find meaning in building homes in Ethiopia or something.
This. I had a pretty major EverQuest/WoW addiction in my late teens and early 20s, and dropped out of college the first time around to play WoW all day for a little over a year. Now, I have always been interested in knowledge and learning and recognized the value of such even then. But that value was vague, ethereal, and distant. It goes something like this: “work your ass off for several years (while not only not getting paid, but accumulating debt at that) and you may have a chance at getting a decent job someday in the medium-to-long-term future which you may or may not hate doing, and which may or may not directly utilize the skills and knowledge you’ve studied”. But in games like WoW, you are rewarded constantly every little step of the way, and for your bigger goals (like getting a sweet dragon mount, or a full suit of epic armor, or whatever) you know exactly what you need to do to get them, and you know that if you do those things eventually the reward is guaranteed.
Life isn’t like that at all, which is depressing. I still have motivation and ambition issues for this reason, I think, but I did eventually “get my shit together” enough to go back to college, finish my bachelor’s degree, and am now working full-time for a software company and supporting myself (even though the pay isn’t as great as I’d like). Once I finally went back to school, it was the positive feedback from peers that really kept me going and working at it. Plus I was a little more mature (24 when I re-enrolled) and finally felt ready to put in the commitment that it took. Not only to finish the degree, but to get straight A’s and do a part-time job while doing it that suited my personality for once (working with software/technology instead of a shitty service job, which were the types of jobs I’d held before and had really turned me off from the idea of jobs in general). That part-time college job also directly led to the full-time job I got when I graduated.
So regarding your son - did he ever express any interest or aptitude in school before he descended into WoW’s fog-of-war? Any particular subjects that he liked? I hate to make a generalizing statement about “our generation”, but I really do think the formula which WoW and the like have capitalized on with such success has upped the ante for what we expect in life when it comes to extrinsic motivations. We need to be encouraged and rewarded every step of the way in order to maintain an interest in something. Even if the reward is just more social encouragement.
I believe your son is exhibiting some anti-social behavior. There isn’t much to do if he doesn’t want help. As long as he has an enabler, that’s what’ll continue to happen.
My mom was worried my brother would be like your son (“I’ll have a grown man in my basement playing on the computer all day!”) and I told her to set a date for him to move out. She did, he got a job, he moved out, he’s happier now.
You can’t force the ex to do that, but like I said, I am afraid you won’t be successful until he wants something to change. It sounds like right now he is on the fence.
I think having a job and feeling ‘useful’ will help right now. As for vocabulary? That’s something a few college English courses could fix. Or you could find something online, like a SAT or better yet, GRE) course.
Can the two of you take a small vacation to spend time together?
The admission criteria for Peace Corps is extremely rigorous and, among other things, requires a college degree or relevant working experience. As well as an incredible amount of creativity, self-reliance, self-motivation, determination, social skills, and flexibility.
The OP’s son is unqualified at this moment in more ways than one.
I would agree that he should consider Trade school if he’s shown any inclination towards enjoying practical, hands-on things. Maybe he’s just not academically inclined. It doesn’t mean he’s stupid, or can’t have a great career.
As someone who was similarly addicted to WoW for a time in college (but lacked an enabler so it never got that bad), I can tell you that WoW itself is not the problem. If he is really looking for something to fill his WoW-free hours now, do you think he might be addictable to something like exercise?
Think about seining him to a maritime academy. Those guys can make great money when they’re done.
Otherwise, I like the military idea.
They actually have groups for people addicted to computer games–I mean, to *cure *them of it, not to sit around and chat about it. If he is an addict, he needs some professional intervention from people who know about this stuff.
Then he can start thinking about what he wants to do with his life, after clearing out the junk.
I wasn’t sure if this was the right thing to bring up, but how about a medieval LARP or the SCA. They are quite physical and intellectual and will put him in contact with others who are well read and, maybe, interesting. Perhaps that will encourage him to read more on his own.
This is really sad. Your ex has done your son no service. I don’t understand why so MANY moms are just fine with grown men living in their basements without getting on with life. I know a dozen!..Anyway, my brother’s son was having some issues and he set him up with a ‘life coach’ after the kid dropped out of college. I don’t know the details or where you would get a life coach, but they tried that and later the kid started seeing a psychologist. Now he’s got a job in a restaurant and is taking some community college courses, they hope he will go back to college in the future… I don’t know that reading The Hunger Games or exercising is going to fly, not without some treatment of your son’s issues first - depression? anxiety? And not everyone is meant for college.
Wait until Kenny, Stan, Kyle and Cartman team up and kill off his character. The problem should resolve itself after that. Failing that, you should look into why he is so addicted to a video game. Does he have some psychological issues (depression, anxiety, etc) that haven’t been addressed? I might be thinking of someone else’s post, but don’t you have a daughter who has serious psychological issues too? That isn’t an insult (I have issues too), but maybe there is something in their background that needs to be addressed. If so, taking away the video games could just lead to another dysfunctional coping mechanism. That is if I have any idea what is going on, which I don’t know if I do.
Plus he is 21. You can’t tell how someones whole life will be by how they act in their teens and 20s.
I completely disagree that being in the military is going to cure him of this - more likely he will go back to it as soon as he gets out of the military. You can’t just take someone who has no interest in or reason for joining the military, ship them off, and then expect it to give them a new personality. Plenty of social outcasts wind up in the military and come out of it no better or worse than they were before. Also, I totally oppose the idea of giving him fantasy literature to read. Why would you want to do this? He needs to be firmly in the real world; he shouldn’t even be reading fiction set in real life - he should be reading only non-fiction, like books about nature, science, or current events, or maybe history, though even that might be too far removed from the real world. I would say that he should be encouraged to start some kind of project, building some physical thing, with measurable increments and observable improvement - but if you don’t know anything about building things, you won’t really be able to help him get started doing this. Habitat for Humanity, maybe? But this involves building things for other people - he sounds like he would be more interested in building something for himself. Restoring a car, maybe?
There are a few active military folks in my WoW guild.
I’m not a parent myself, so you can take any advice I give with a large grain of salt, but I saw the same thing happening to a certain friend of mine. A gaming addiction that was taking over his life (and he was a 30-something professional). I pointed out that if he devoted as much time in real life to making money as he did to making isk (a game currency), he would certainly be living a much better life.
On some level, your son must also know this. The in-game experience is all about leveling up your character, and improving your skill/knowledge/possessions. If you can convey to your son that you want to see him do this in his real life - level up, improve himself, get more riches, you might be able to get through to him. Try to get him to see his life in game terms. Right now he’s still very young, so he won’t necessarily get left behind. He has to start out slashing at rats in a basement (working at the chain restaurant), but if he works at it enough, he’ll level up.
I learned the meaning of “tenacious” thanks to Dr. Ellie Sattler when I was 11. :o
Get him a subscription to The New York Times. In addition to “cool” war reporting, there is also reporting that might entice a gamer. Not that one would want to encourage him; however, that would be the draw.
I have a 50 year old cousin who is on his own for the first time in his life (had one job, once, that lasted a few weeks,) because his 80 year old mother (my aunt) died. His enabler.
Your son is ahead of the game, age-wise and because he wants to do better. Books and magazines probably won’t grab him at all. Besides, he needs social contact.
I would first encourage him to continue looking for another part-time job to help fill all his free time. My younger son has been working three part-time jobs for the last couple years, but he’s making it. (I am not saying he’s great, follow his example etc. What I’m saying is that in this economy, and with your son’s situation, you do what you have to do.)
Then find a course that interests him in your local community college. I’m thinking that auditory instruction is the next step out of techno-addiction. Maybe at some point he’ll want to pursue a focused path to “higher education.” Maybe not. If not, continue to support him in hop-scotching from interest to interest in school. Just so long as he’s learning.
Every change takes as long as it takes. If you get fat, it takes a while to lose the extra weight. If you fall behind (for whatever reason—and at least he hasn’t lost the time spent in jail or rehab) it takes awhile to “catch up.” But premies do it all the time; born small, they’re usually of average size and ability by school age.
He sounds like a good kid and you sound like a good father. In the long run, you can’t beat a combo like that.
Aside from being incredibly stupid, this idea is also impractical. Even if the kid happens to be on a PVP sever, a kid that has been playing WoW for years is going to laugh at a 40 year old noob that tries to kill him. PVP of that type takes at least one max level character, with gear, skill and quick fingers. Not something you can pick up overnight. Plus, player harassment of the kind described here would violate the EULA and get the parent’s account banned.
If it was my kid. The eventual goal would be trade school. Plumber, electrician, carpenter etc.
Always in demand and they make better than average salary.
In the meantime. Taking away his PC is a good start, then I’d bring him to a hobby shop. He likes gaming obviously Games Workshop make a series of 3D board games that involve painting minatures, modeling, reading rules and gaming with friends. Still a hobby of mine. It’s a hoot on the weekends.