I only read a little of this thread. I have come to discuss/debate an issue that has always terrified me.
There are many sexually transmitted diseases out there. There are many people who want to have sex. How can a person be sure one’s partner is safe? It seems to me to be nigh impossible.
Example 1: Person A wants to sleep with Person B. Person A has an STD. Person B likes Person A: Persons A and B sleep with each other. Person B catches Person A’s STD.
Example 2: Person A wants to sleep with Person B. Person A has an STD. Person B asks Person A if Person A is clean. Person A lies and says that Person A is clean. Persons A and B sleep with each other. Person B catches Person A’s STD.
Example 3: Person A wants to sleep with Person B. Person A has an STD. Person B asks Person A if Person A is clean. Person A admits to having STD. Person B refuses to sleep with Person A.
Example 4: Person A wants to sleep with Person B. Person A has an STD. Person B demands Person A be checked to STD or to show Person B recent results of STD test. Person A, of course, refuses to comply.
Example 5: Person A and Person B are married or are in a monogamous relationship. Person A sleeps with Person C, who has an STD. Person A catches Person C’s STD. Person B catches Person A’s STD.
I do not think one can necessarily blame Person A or Person B for one’s actions in any of the situations above, but the result is very unpleasant in each case for both.
I have quite a low libido, so I don’t have the urge to sleep with other people as much as it seems normal people do. Therefore, I am totally confused what other people feel or are going through.
But what are people supposed to do? How can one safely fulfill one’s sexual needs (as it’s called) and still be safe? Not even monogamous relationships help.
WRS
I realize this doesn’t answer anything, but how do condoms factor in here?
How many STDs are there that condoms do not prevent? How prevalent are these STDs compared to others?
WRS
To the contrary, monogamous relationships are perfect in this regard.
Your example 5 does not describe a monogamous relationship.
Of course, the relationship appeared to be monogamous from Person B’s point of view. But the real question in #5 is not how a monogamous relationship failed to prevent the spread of an STD – it is how a relationship failed to be monogamous. How may a partner be sure his or her relationship is monogamous?
I don’t know that I can write a rule book.
But finding a partner that shares religious or moral views about the importance of monogamy would probably not be a bad start. Finding a partner whose past history does not suggest cheating or promiscuous behavior strikes me as a sensible step towards this goal, too.
More important that any single checklist factor, though, is simply knowing and understanding your partner completely.
Beyond monogamy I don’t seem a means of perfect prevention. No matter what steps you take you’ll always be at SOME level of risk if you wish to be sexually active.
I don’t worry any more about STDs than about diseases of equivalent virulence contagiousness and pandemicity that are transmitted through other avenues.
I get tested periodically. It’s cheap-to-free and seems like a reasonable thing to do.
So I guess true monogamy works. But can people be trusted to keep faithful to monogamy?
WRS
Can a person be trusted to be faithful to his or her promise to be monogamous? It would depend on the person, I would think. Some people make this promise but never intend to keep it, some people mean their promise when they say it but will break it under certain conditions, and some people will not break it even under conditions that would tempt a saint.
The key, IMHO, is getting to know your partner well as a person before you start getting too physically intimate, so that you can assess which of the three categories they fall in. Also, it is important to be quite blunt before you get physically intimate about how important mutual monogamy is to you and why (assuming it is), so that they understand the consequences of breaking this promise.
As to your example #4, if a potential partner was not willing to be tested for STDs or show recent test results, my response would be of an "Other fish in the sea … "nature. Examples #2 and #5 involve people lying (either directly or by omission, in #5) ; this is why getting to know whether your partner is trustworthy before you trust them with your body is a good idea. (Of course some people are particularly proficient at lying, but the longer you know someone, the better the chance you have of catching these people at it.) I’m not clear in example #1 if person A knows they have an STD or not, but assuming he/she does not, then yes, this is a risk with unprotected sex but usually far less of a risk with condoms etc. Example #3 is frustrating for person A, but shows a good sense of responsibility.
There’s also Example 6: Person A and Person B are in a monogamous relationship, but Person A is unaware of carrying an STD which has so far been asymptomatic (many are, especially in women - HPV and chlamydia are notorious for this, sometimes for years at a time). Person B catches Person A’s STD.
Person B is lucky enough to be symptomatic and accuses Person A of cheating, but is stuck with the disease anyway. Or Person B is also asymptomatic and passes the disease to Person C, years later. But maybe Person C was an asymtomatic carrier all along; there’s sometimes no way to know for sure.
I am going to paste this from Bricker’s post because it bears repeating.
*But finding a partner that shares religious or moral views about the importance of monogamy would probably not be a bad start. Finding a partner whose past history does not suggest cheating or promiscuous behavior strikes me as a sensible step towards this goal, too. *
IOW, get to know the person. Spend time with the person. Observe in day to day behavior whether he/she can be trusted in small ways, and then in larger ways. Trust is earned. Be trustful yourself.