Sex Before Marriage-mandatory!

The BBQ Pit
21

[[VegforLife–“If the first few months or marriage are an argue-fest because one partner is a slob and the other partner is a neat freak, then neither partner knew the other well enough to begin with.”

Spare me.]] Jahender

Nope, sorry.

[[You said it yourself, “I just got married” Call me in a year.]]

Of course, that would be substantially after that “first few months” you mentioned, wouldn’t it?

[[Marriage changes things, don’t ask me why, I don’t know, but it does. Don’t believe me?]]

Of course I do. And I’m sure that if you’ll go back and re-read what I wrote earlier you’ll see that I never referred to whether or not marriage changes anything, I was simply discussing the subject that you brought up, which was “argue-fests” in the first few months of living together caused by differences that already exist.

[[Ask your married friends who have been married over two, three years.]]

No need, I did plenty of that before I got married.

[[I’m not saying it gets worse or better, it just changes, fact.]]

No disagreement here, and, as noted above, there never was.

[[I have to jump in here and support Jahender’s view. I know that everyone hates to hear it, but he is absolutely right in saying that it is different after you get married. Give it a few years—in my experience it takes at least 2 or 3. Then you wake up one morning and say, “My god! How could I have not seen what he/she is really like?”]] Lucky

I fully expect that to happen. Maybe not to that degree, but to some degree, certainly. I mean, anyone who thinks they know someone else inside and out is at the very least somewhat naive. However, if whether or not the person in question is a “neat-freak” or a “slob” makes you wake up after two or three years, well, I’d say “naive” is too kind a word.

Rich

22 
  Ok, it's probably not a good idea to quote an ENTIRE post, but I couldn't omit any of it, so sorry guys.

  I think it's beautiful that a couple could abstain from any sort of contact until the altar. Now, personaly, I don't think kissing, or holding hands before marriage is bad. But waiting to do even that, makes it so much more special on your wedding day.

Now, Stoidela said, "Those two people don't even know each other." Why is it that you must kiss somebody to know them. Why must you live with them to know them. Well, you don't. Before marriage, you should know your fiance's heart of hearts. If you truly know somebody's personality, and habits, then living together won't be so much of a surprise.

Aparently, few of you realize the power in waiting for your mate. I have yet to fully realize it myself. But when I marry, I'll know that I'll have saved ALL of myself for her. And it will make our bond so much stronger. What's that phrase? "Two will become one."

Adam

23

With my current wife, we never had “argue fests” the first few months or ever. While we were abstaining from sex we had time to establish the manner in which we would settle disputes. that was one big advantage to waiting. Without the sex, we had time to focus on each other as people and not as sex playmates.

SOmeone once said that in the first 6 weeks you establish all of the rules and expectations fo your entire relationship. I believe that that is true.

24

Poo.

Where are the flames?
There have to be [flames*.

25

Never mind - this software burns my ass.

26

Ummm…ok:

Nickrz! You stupid ASS! How could you be such a MORON?

Happy now?

Stoidela

Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!

27

Arg, did you actually read the post you quoted? Here, we’ll do it again, bit by bit.

“He asked for her hand in
marriage from her father before he even let her know he was interested. Got the ok, began courting.”

Ok, so basically, without her knowledge or her consent, this man and her father decided her future. Nice. This is the 20th century, right? I thought so, but then again… anyway, getting on…

“During the entire courting/engagement they
did not even hold hands, much less kiss. Nothing. Zero. The first time
they touched each other was on the altar after they said “I do”.”

Hmm… I don’t know about anyone else, but this is SCREAMING “bad idea”. I don’t care how devout a person is, if you are in love with someone, you’ll AT LEAST hold hands every now and then.
"Less than a year later, they already had their first child.

She’s 19 or 20, I believe."

LESS THAN A YEAR? After ZERO touching throughout the “courtship”? Not to put too sharp a point on it, I’d have to conclude that she probably didn’t have much choice in matters of sex. I seriously doubt that, since getting married to this guy was not her decision in the first place, she actually WANTED to have sex with him, much less, children.

Now to quote you.
“Why is it that you must kiss somebody to know them. Why must you live with them to know them. Well, you don’t. Before marriage, you should know your fiance’s heart of hearts. If you truly know somebody’s personality, and habits, then living together won’t be so much of a surprise.”

You don’t “know” someone because you kiss them or live with them. You kiss someone because you know them (or because you want to ;)) and most unmarried couples who live together already know each other well. It’s not so much “we’re only living together so we can decide whether or not we want to get married” as it is “we care about each other a lot and we like to spend time in each other’s company and this makes sense for us.”

At any rate, I seriously doubt that you, a young male who is inherently a sinner (this is all from what I’ve derived by reading threads you’ve figured prominently into) have never had sex, been kissed, or held hands. (Please keep in mind that this is NOT a religious thread, so should you reply to this, I would appreciate YOUR thoughts, not your selfserving misinterpretation of the Bible.)

Sex and cohabitation before marriage is a choice for everyone. Some choose to do it, some choose not to, and everyone’s reasons are unique for them. But choosing NOT to do it solely because you want to “become one” with your new spouse is just silly. “Becoming one” happens when you take your vows, not when you have sex a few hours afterward.

28 
 Yep, I read you loud and clear there Chris. Don't you think I KNOW why unmarried couples live together? I still don't think it's right though.

 You can doubt all you want to, but I've never had sex. As for holding hands and kissing...well, that's a different story.

When I responded to Stoidela, I was mostly pinpointing the fact that she thought it was "sad" that they hadn't had any contact before the altar. As for the whole, "she may not have wanted him in the first place" idea...well, we don't know that for sure. So I'm not going to assume anything on the couple's part.

Adam

29

Stoidela:

Made difficult by whom? The government? Why do we need more interference? All the stories told here (and the many untold ones) suggest that success in marriage doesn’t depend on living together or not before marriage.

30

Takes 6 months of bullshit to get a divorce. I think there should be some kind of similar hurdles to getting married.

But of course, we know that I am functional liberal with the secret heart of a fascist, so there ya go.

Stoidela

Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!

31

Most of the couple I know who lived together before getting married had an ‘argue-fest’ for a while after the wedding. (I’m not knocking co-habitating before marriage - did it myself.)

However, that little ceremony does change things for some people. My opinion is that, as long as no ceremony has taken place, each partner is still tiptoeing just a little bit around the other - after all, they could get mad and leave at any time, what’s to stop them? However, after the ceremony there is a formal legally binding tie that makes separation harder, so that partners feel a little freer to complain or argue a point than they did previously. There may also be a sense of ‘testing the new limits’.

Not in every case, but in some.

sosumi

32

Stoidela:

I response to your suggestion that getting married should be difficult, I must tell you that in some cases, it is. I realize my situation is somewhat unique, but I am engaged to a Nepali man. I have been battling with Immigration and Naturalization services for 7 months now to try to get him a visa to come here so we can marry. The process will require an additional 4 months, at the minimum. Let me tell you, having your future in the hands of bureaucrats bites.

“I think it would be a great idea” Mohandas Ghandi’s answer when asked what he thought of Western civilization

33

just a few comments on this thread…

stoidela,
you said that the sex drive can cause people to do acts of violence, commit crimes, etc…
I read many of the posts on the PEOPLE HUNTING thread and saw that many of yall are anti gun becuase of the damage they can cause------IF we apply the same princaple (pardon spelling) to this subject, shouldnt sex be outlawed, or at least be only permited to those who have special sex licenses???

Also about the 19 year old girl having kids------Hello!!! sex was intended to MAKE kids----not pleasure------the pleasure part is so you will enjoy it and thus have sex more often–thus creating more kids…

“In wildness is the preservation of the world, so seek the wolf inside thyself”

34

Gee, I guess since I had a vasectomy I’m not allowed to have sex anymore.

35

No one is disputing the ultimate reason for sex. The point is that this girl was probably not given full choice in the matter.

36

PL: Yesh, I guess me neither. (Been spayed)

Justin:

Uh…no. I think you are reaching really, really far.

Stoidela

Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!

37

I’m for the sex before marriage. I have too many friends than I care to mention that gave me the evil eye because I was ::start evil music:::having sex without the benefit of marriage. I don’t regret any of the grins and giggles I had before I met My Reason For Living. These narrow minded twits of girlfriends were what I use to refer to as the Virgin Brigade and that the holiest thing you can give your husband is your hymen. None of their husbands, might I add, were virgins BUT THAT WAS OK WITH THEM. I don’t get double standards. One is married and have 5 kids in 8 years and one is my sister in law and she is a terrible prude. I haven’t talked to two of the three in ten years and the last I can’t avoid.

As for living together before marriage, no way. If I had lived with my husband before the Big Day, I would have decided to be a cat lady for the rest of my life. The man only cleans for company, and then it’s only when his mom comes over. I’ve become a neatnik by default.

38

Obviously the mandatory issue has been discussed and we agree that such is not our gov’t’s business.

First, let me say that what ever others want to do is fine by me.

Second, I do believe in not having sex before marriage. I got married at 22 and was a virgin. I had done as others have mentioned and looked at my future wife’s life to see if we would be compatible. As someone else mentioned sex gets better with practice, especially with a caring partner.

My fiance and I had discussed sex and we were both virgins. We decided that we would remain virgins until we got married. We also discussed having and raising children and many other aspects of our future life.

We had more arguments before we were married than we have after. We dated for 3 months and were engaged for a year. We have just celebrated 7 years of marriage and have a 2 1/2 year old. It has gotten better every year. We have been comfortable enough to talk about sex, even during sex, for our entire marriage. This has helped us learn how to please each other.

For us waiting was the right thing to do.

Jeffery