She caught me by surprise, in that misty place between sleep and waking, where nothing sounds as it’s supposed to.
She said: I want a new bathroom.
I heard: I want sex in the shower.
I said: Sounds good to me.
One of us got what they wanted, the other did not.
So the people started working on the bathroom. My wife, being wife-like, wanted my input.
She said: I want your input on the color scheme and accessories.
I heard: Blah blah blah blah.
I said: All I care is that my ass can fit in the tub. The rest is up to you.
She discovered that the sinks would “clash” with the paint color and tile.
She said: I don’t know what to do.
The contractor said: Me neither, but I have suggestions.
I heard: Cash registers ringing up.
I said: Change the tile to this color, make the paint a lighter shade of same, and it will all work with the sink.
They did, it looked good enough to make the wife happy.
She said: Gosh, you’re great.
I heard: Gosh, you’re great.
I said: Huh?
It was learned that the tub might not fit into the space allotted. The bathroom is very small.
She said: I don’t know what to do.
The contractor said: We can take out this wall, but it would cost a bunch more.
I heard: Cash registers ringing up
I said: Screw that noise. Move the sink over here, take a six inches from the closet, put the crapper here and point the tub this direction.
She said: You’re a genius!
I heard: You’re a genius!
I said: Huh?
Suffice to say that much of the project went this way. Problem, whining, come to me for solution. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Positions were reversed, she was the “do what you want” person, I was the “what do you think?” person. Needless to say, it was hellish. I hate decorating and all its evil works. Despise it in fact. My idea of something that looks good is the beer keg night table that mysteriously disappeared during our move. But, eventually, the task was done, and the wife had friends over to show them the result.
They said: Wow, I didn’t think you could do so much with that crappy bathroom you had before. It looks really good. You did wonderfully!
She said: I sure did.
I heard: I sure did.
I said: Can we have sex in the shower now?
She did the nasty with you like she PROMISED?