Oh yes they do! All those predatory females out there, just waiting to saddle their innocent babes with marriage or child support.
Having friends with teenage boys has been an education!
My girl is 12, I hope I handle the future as well as **obbn **& Rick.
To the OP, your daughter sounds very mature, I can only echo the good advice of applauding her move to birth control and scheduling your own social life to be more active (with no reference at all to hers).
You seem to have raised her very well. Congratulations.
:rolleyes: Right back at you slippery slope. They aren’t allowed by law or tradition to drink in this country at that age. They are allowed to consent to sex. Since that is going to happen anyway, regardless of parental objections, it is sensible to simply provide a space for privacy. There is a huge difference between the natural act of sexual exploration and parents providing a space for teens to break the law. They do not yet have the option of their own place, and biology and custom are at serious odds in this regard. Blanket declarations and prohibitions are counter-productive and pointless anyway. That space need not be planned out, at the request of the daughter, nor always used outright for sex.
Unlike many posters, I do not remember my teenage years with rose-tinted glasses in regard to this issue. I had parents, (mostly my mother), who took the traditional “keep em apart at all times” approach and it was miserable. There were no golden moments of stolen time, all the sweeter for the danger. There was only frustration, annoyance, and desperation on both our parts to simply get away from interruptions for an hour or two. Sexual exploration was exciting and terrifying enough without that added problem. We had to spend more time planning, lying, and tricking the parents then we did enjoying one another’s company. The vast majority of those times I and my various girlfriends managed it successfully we didn’t have intercourse either. Mostly making out, touching, very occasionally something a bit more. Would we have gone farther if some space had been made for us? Probably, but not as much as you seem to think. It would have been wonderful to have a relationship with parents where I could talk to them like the young adult I was about sex, the need for privacy, and relationships. Instead, I had to lie, cheat, and manipulate the people I’m supposed to be able to trust the most in order to simply assert some small independence in one of the most fundamental aspects of a person’s life.
It took several relationships and several years refusing to come come, (even when it was in best interest to do so) because of the resentment built up between us on this issue. I was not about to subject myself to those rules and restrictions again. There is a better way, and it involves trusting your children, putting aside you own prudish selfishness, and acknowledging your children as adults with sexual desires like your own.
Because in their eyes, she’s always Daddy’s Little Girl, and anyone wanting to have sex with her is a creepy paedophile? Or out-of-line for wanting to sully their chaste virginal princess anyway.
You’re worried that a girl has sex at 17 because it’s your daughter, and although she’s approached you in an adult manner? It must be something male, because my mind just boggles at 17 being thought of too young. Girls here would be on their second or third boy-friend to learn how a good relationship looks like, and snuggling and kissing would develop into sex.
The problem is not that she and her boyfriend might have sex - the question is whether she and her boyfriend have a good relation or not, and whether she can recognize it if not, and if she feels strong enough about her own feelings (self-estimation) to say no. That’s the important part. If she’s been raised so authorative-submissive by her parents, then it’s likely she’ll give in to her boyfriend if he pressures her. The solution to that is not to discourage sex, though, but to teach her that she has a right to her own feelings and opinions and is allowed to say no to males. Which should’ve started when she was school-age.
Providing a safe place for the two is a good thing because it signals her that you stand behind her and want to help her even if you don’t like all her choices. It could get you into trouble with the parents of the boy if they are weird.
Not offering your place won’t stop sex, of course, esp. in the US where people have cars to “park” in. Or they will go to a friends house when that parents are away.
Please put her on the pill. If I may be blunt, you don’t own your daughter’s vagina, and don’t let this be a wedge between you. If she trusts you this much, let her know you deserve the trust. Parents have to earn trust, too.
I think you should back off of the “first time” thing. The first time is no more special than the second or third or hundredth time. It’s a milestone- that’s it. Nothing more. It doesn’t have to be in a special place with a special person at a special time. None of those things are more important the first time than any other time.
So please quit building it up like her virginity is an actual, tangible object with real worth. It’s not.
Is that what they’re calling it these days?
Funny thing about this is that it bleeds over to to other women in our lives, too. It makes brothers protect their sisters and male friends protect their female friends. For some reason, I hate when my female friends have new boyfriends. I immediately dislike them and am jealous of them, albeit to a minor degree. Strange thing is, this goes away after I meet them. And I don’t mean “meet and hang out with them”, I’m talking about 5 seconds after I lay eyes on the guy and we introduce ourselves. All of a sudden, that instinctive hate melts away.
There’s something to the whole “If I can’t have her, no one can” theory. It’s a pretty odd subconscious instinct, but I know from conversations that I’m not the only man that does this.
^ I agree. It takes a few months (cycles) for The Pill to start working, and she needs to deal with any side effects and see if the type of Pill the doctor gives her will work for her. Some women need to try different brands before finding the right one for their body. Some women are unable to take The Pill at all due to side effects.
I went on The Pill at 16 (still a virgin) because I was at a party and found myself in an…uncomfortable situation…and by the Grace of God I was able to get out of it. I thought, “What if that happens again and for some reason I CAN’T get away?” Teenagers are hormone-driven creatures and The Pill, if the woman is able to take it, can be used as a safety measure.
Sometimes having sex is not a mutual decision, if you catch my drift.
(Totally not saying your daughter’s boyfriend would pull that shit, but “in the heat of the moment” I’m sure you’d rather your daughter be protected in at least one way.)
My guy friends have explained it to me as, “I know how I was at that age so I don’t want anyone like me anywhere near my baby girl.” Without fail, this revelation occurred to each shortly after the birth of his first daughter. Typically the revelation also includes mention of a shotgun. The consistency is remarkable.
But it is true that many women need some time to let their bodies adjust to the hormones and the side effects (if any), and that not every pill is suitable for every woman. But for BC purposes, there’s no need to wait a few months.
I know, and it really bothers me. Don’t men want their daughters to have happy, healthy sex lives one day? Instead, they expect the daughter to catapult into a marriage - and a sexual relationship - with no issues.
I wouldn’t take that conversation as a serious life-strategy planning session. I’ve never been a male teen and don’t want to claim to speak for them, but it seemed to me that my friends were trying to convey several ideas through the “shotgun” analogy.
[ol]
[li]There was a point in his life during which he was fixated on sex, to the point that the feelings of the other person didn’t really matter that much beyond the fact that she consented to engage in it.[/li]
[li]In his older, clearer brain capacity, he recognizes that this behavior was probably hurtful to the other party(ies).[/li]
[li]He’s just discovered in himself this fierce, unreasonable desire to protect this new little person from Everything that might Ever Hurt Her EVER![/li]
[li]He sees via his own experience that a teenage boy (as he was) might hurt his little girl (as she will be) and wishes he could prevent that.[/li][/ol]
There are all sorts of ways fathers may act on this protective desire; certainly some are wiser than others. But I don’t expect my non-shotgun wielding friends to go out and buy one to scare off all comers. At least, they haven’t started doing it yet.
Holy crap… Didn’t think there would be this much of a response, or that I would really question my own thoughts on this.
Thanks so much to those that provided personal stories and some pretty blunt comments. Special thanks to LSLGuy for the link to a previous thread and to I’m Not Dennis Bergkamp for putting into words some of the thoughts I couldn’t express.
No… Wife and I had sex at about the same age.
This made me think more about this situation as an objective person than as a dad. Hard to do, but it made me.
No laughing here, but in this case, yes it does. This is not for any medical need or to regulate anything. She has stated that she (and her boyfriend) are ready to have sex.
We were each virgins until we had sex together, but at different times we have had different sexual partners. (High school sweethearts that grew apart then together, then apart, then together again for good this time.)
While I could never tell her I am going out to specifically give her time for sex in our home, this makes the most sense and is more in line with how we as parents handle things. She has stayed home by herself several times to include a a 10-day school sponsored trip to Europe and 4-day weekend recently. We don’t really have any trust issues (she once asked us for permission to skip school in order to catch up on some schoolwork and to get some additional sleep).
This one stung a little, but was exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks!
Again, thanks for all of the thoughts and kind words. I knew I came to the right place.
If I may touch on something that most people here haven’t: you seem to be seriously overrating the importance of virginity. This ties into the whole self-fulfilling prophecy of the emotional importance of sex thing as well: it’s not as big of a deal as you make it out to be. Your first time will probably neither be your best nor your most important time; making it out as such is foolish. To claim “you’re worried that her first time might not be with the right guy” is stupid; it doesn’t matter as much as you think it does.
It could be argued that waiting until you’re married to have sex is a damn good way to go into a marriage with no issues. Nobody to compare your spouse to, no experiences of having sex and the guy/girl never speaking to you again, no exes going around town spilling your freaky bedroom proclivities, etc.
I know far, FAR more people who have issues after settling down because they slept around in their single days than I know people who have issues because they waited until marriage to have sex and have been with only 1 person.
Well, first of all, I think that Dan Savage would disagree with you, and it’s basically his job to answer letters in this regards.
Second of all… Isn’t that kind of depressing? I mean, without a point for comparison, you have no way to know if your husband is terrible in bed, but is that really a plus?
Not to sound like a bitch but I really don’t give a shit what Dan Savage would say about it. Oooh, answers letters! I tremble! Some of what he has to say has some merit, however ultimately he’s not the one that has to deal with the fallout of other people’s sexual decisions, is he?
As far as having only 1 sexual partner being depressing … I don’t know. I didn’t wait until I was married, and I’ve been with more than 1 guy. In my earlier post I mentioned knowing people who had issues because they waited - that’s their issue, the curiosity of wondering what someone else would be like.
3 people, I would add. Out of about 25 or so that I know that did wait until marriage. Versus scads of people I know that didn’t wait and either 1. wish they had, or 2. really, REALLY regret having slept with some of the people they did get into bed with.
As far as not having anyone else to compare one’s partner to … I’m having a hard time seeing how that’s a bad thing. Why would you WANT to compare the person you’re with now to past partners? Seems like a shitty thing to do to me.