“That would’ve killed me to death.”
or,
“That would’ve killed the life outta me.”
A few I’ve picked up over the years:
(Of a stuck-up woman) “She thinks she shits ice cream”
(of a skinny person) “He hasn’t got enough fat on his ass to fry his ears”
“It’s rainin’ like a cow pissin’ on a flat rock”
“It’s darker than the inside of a cow tonight”
“I’m hornier than a three-balled tomcat”
Time to piss on the fire and call the dogs.
Busier than a cross-eyed cranberry picker.
Crazy as a shithouse rat.
Tighter than Dick’s hatband.
Tighter than a gnat’s ass.
<raises hand> Oooo, I grew up in the south…
That girl is short up and tall around.
That embarassed the water out of me.
Would you look at those steaks in that field! (said when admiring cows)
She was beat with an ugly stick.
(of an unpopular person) He had to tie a porkchop around his neck to get the dog to play with him.
He is so ugly he has to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.
I love regional speech.
A couple I heard when I was a kid:
“Put me in the Sahara and call me a prairie dog!”
“He’s so low he has to climb a ladder to touch a snake’s belly.”
One I heard a few years ago:
“He’s so dumb that if he saw a sign that said ‘Wet Floor’ he would.”
Now we’re shittin’ in high cotton.
-SOME queen’s on a SCHEDULE!
-Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, sweetie.
-Not I, said the cat.
-wanna-blessed-bes (to refer to poseur Wiccans)
-You aren’t all that and a bag of potato chips. (Every consonant must be articulated very precisely for the full effect.)
Zoe, I reckon I’m showing my age. That was a bad pun on the old TV show Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.
And Ringo, we musta gone to diffrent’ schools together. 
“like shit off a chrome shovel”
“goes like the powers of piss”
“as tight as a nun’s nasty”
“sticks like shit to a wet blanket”
“uglier than a hatful of arseholes”
“that’s one sperm that should’ve been swallowed”
“so ugly even the stick wouldn’t touch her” (in response to the beaten hard with the ugly stick saying)
“Considering it’s the Ford version…” (lesser quality version - car manufacturer joke)
Describing my students on a Friday or close to a long break:
Hyper like moths on a porchlight.
Uglier (or dumber) than a bucket of butt holes.
I find as a Southern woman transplated to LA that the following comment just causes dropped jaws and dumb looks from these western yankees.
“Yall are so stupid that if I shoved your brain up a flies ass it would rattle like a beebee in a boxcar!!!”.
You came out of the shallow end of the gene pool.
Apparently my great-grandfather was fond of saying:
Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets full first.
I’m gonna bounce back like rubber-maid
Everyone throw your hands in the air as if there were no repercussions
I’m out like a fat girl playing dodge ball…
Frugality: ‘Tighter than a camel’s ass in a sandstorm’
Perspiration: ‘Sweating like a rapist’
Smugness: ‘Like a dog with two dcks’
Close shaves: ‘Missed it by a gnat’s cck’
Astonishment: ‘Fck my old boots’ …(where did that come from??)
Gambling (disproportionate wins/losses): ‘Eat like a mouse, sht like an elephant’
re: intellect
“Boy’s about as sharp as a bag of wet gerbils.”
“Not the quickest McNugget in the toolshed.”
re: confrontation
“I’m gonna drop you like a prom dress.”
“I’ll ride you like a sled, b****!” Especially funny when spoken by a gentleman commonly referred to as ‘Waffles’.
re: agrressive
“If you were any more of a tool, you’d have a lifetime warranty from Craftsman.” – I was saving that for a pit rant, but oh well.
I’m gonna land on you like a duck on a June bug.
I’m gonna land on you like ugly on an ape.
I’m gonna land on you like white on rice.
Hmm…
My father in law always says “we’re off like a herd of turtles” whenever all of us are on the way somewhere.
My grandfather was fond of “kids cats dogs and women” as his “I’m exasperated” phrase
Very busy: Flat out like a lizard drinkin’.
Of a crazy person: A few 'roos loose in the top paddock.
Of an eccentric person ( a play on “a few cents short in the dollar”): The dollar’s all there, but it’s all in small change.
Of a frugal person: Tight as a fish’s arse swimming upstream.
Of an unpopular person: 'bout as welcome as a fart in a lift.
Of bad food: Ya wouldn’t feed that to a [insert derogatory term for member of nationality Australia has gone to war with] on ANZAC Day.
Curse: May yer chooks turn to emus, and kick ya dunny down!
Of an unattractive person: As ugly as a hat full of arseholes.
Of a simple task: As easy as shitting in bed, and kickin’ it out with yer left leg.
Of a bimbo: All tits and toenails like the barber’s cat.
Of a disorganised person: Couldn’t organise a root in a brothel.