Share your favorite lawyer jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

An engineer dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his list and says, “Whoops, sorry, you are in the wrong palce,”. So the engineer goes to hell and is let in. Pretty soon, though, he gets bored and starts redesigning and so on. After they get air conditioning and escalators and flush toilets, he gets to be a pretty popular guy.

So Satan and God are talking one day. Satan says, “Hey, it’s going great down here. We have air conditioning and escalators and flush toilets, no telling what this new guy is going to come up with next,”. So God says, “Wait, what are you doing with an engineer? It must be a mistake, send him back up here,”.

“Nothin’ doin,’” says Satan, "I like having an engineer on staff, I am keeping him,:.

God says, “Send him up here or I’ll sue,”.

Satan starts laughing and says, “Yeah, right. Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”.

42

Actually, I don’t think that is a joke; I recall something of the sort.

  Q: You are trapped in a room with a lawyer, a hungry lion, and Osama bin 
  Laden. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?
  A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

  The Devil appears in the lawyer's office one day. He says, "Here's the 
  deal: From now on your billable hours will increase fivefold. Your 
  partners will respect you, your associates will worship you, and you'll 
  have wild uninhibited sex with a nymphomaniac secretary every afternoon. 
  In exchange, I want your soul, the souls of all your ancestors, and the 
  souls of all your descendants."

  The lawyer says, "What's the catch?"

  St. Peter and Satan make a deal that they will take turns maintaining the 
  bridge between heaven and hell, switching off every six months. First it's 
  St. Peter's turn. He does a good job and hands the place over to Satan. 
  Satan ignores it completely and after six months the bridge is in terrible 
  disrepair. St. Peter is pissed. 

  "Hey, Satan, We had a contract!"
  "Yeah, whatever. I didn't feel like it."
  "Well then you leave me no recourse but to sue."
  "Right. Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

  How many lawyers does it take to roof a shed?

  Depends on how thinly you slice them.

  How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?

  The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk. 

  A woman is walking along the beach and sees something shiny just barely sticking out of the sand. She digs it out and finds it's a magic lamp. When she rubs it a genie leaps out.

  "Thank you, thank you, for releasing me from my prison! I will give you three wishes, anything you want!"

  "What's the catch?" the woman asks.

  "Well, I'm a lawyer genie, so anything you wish for every lawyer in the  world gets twice."

  "Okay, that's fair. First off, I want ten million dollars."

  "Done! But every lawyer in the world just got twenty million."

  "Next, I want a fancy mansion to live in."

  "Done! But every lawyer in the world now has two mansions, one for summer, one for winter. Your last wish?"

  In a thoughtful tone the woman said, "You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

  How was copper wire invented?

  Two lawyers fighting over a penny.

  A guy calls his lawyer's office and says "I'm Mr. Jones. I'd like to speak 
  to my lawyer."

  Secretary says "I'm sorry. Your lawyer died yesterday."

  Guy calls back in a couple of hours "I'm Mr. Jones. I'd like to speak to my lawyer."

  Secretary says "I told you before. Your lawyer died yesterday."

  Guy calls back. "I'm Mr. Jones. I'd like to speak to my lawyer."

  Secretary says "I've already told you twice that your. lawyer. died. 
  yesterday. Why do you keep calling me ?!"

  "Because I love the sound of it."

“I’m Romal,” the Devaronian said. “I speak for the Borg.”

Admiral Yunar looked him over. “You don’t look like a Borg,” he remarked.

“No, admiral, I’m their attorney.”

  BTW, there's only one lawyer joke. Everything else is true
43

At lunch the other day, my attorney friend told me the only lawyer joke which he found funny – the others were mostly too old or corny.

A lawyer finished a session with a client, and tells him it will be $100. The client pays with a brand new $100 bill and after the client leaves the lawyer discovers that it was really two $100 bills stuck together.

The attorney has an ethical dilemma. Should he tell his partner or not?

44

Hah. So the woman obviously was not a blonde, eh?

45

I used to work for a lawyer who had a sense of humour. I would try to find a new joke for him every Monday. One day, I came across the best lawyer joke evar. It was a “how many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?” joke, but the answer was 4 pages of legalise that started with “Whereas the party of the first part (hereafter referred to as “lightbulb”) wishes for the party of the second part (hereafter referred to as “lawyer”)”… I printed it out and gave it to him. He actually read the whole thing, walked over to me and said, “you know what the worst part of this joke is? Not only did I understand it, but it was a well-written legal document. It would stand up in court.”

I tried to find a copy of the joke online to link to, but couldn’t. heh…

In light of that – here is my contribution:

Q. You know what you call a crying shame?
A. A busload of lawyers going over a cliff, with 3 empty seats.

46

Today it was so cold where I live I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!

(Thank you, I’ll be here all week, don’t forget to tip your servers!)

47

The fence dividing Heaven and Hell was in disrepair; due to too many demons sitting on it. The Devil decided to sue God for the cost of repairs…God replied to the summons “Dear Devil, lacking legal counsel, I…” :smiley:

48

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “The Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “The Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being nonnegotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore- mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm”.

49

1010011010, that is very close. The joke was literally 4 pages printed, so it was much more involved, but had me giggling for days. To this day, all I have to do to get a groan from him is to say “Whereas” since the business where I worked for him was not a law firm, he knows I am thinking of that joke :smiley:

50

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I cain’t unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger ‘n me. We’re the same age, we was the same size as kids… I jus’ don’ get it.”

“Well,” said the big ‘gator, "whachoo been eatin’, boy?"

“Lawyers, same as you,” drawled the small 'gator.

“Hmm. Well, where do y’all catch 'em?”

“Down ‘tother side of the swamp near the parkin’ lot of dat law firm.”

“Same here. Hmm. *How * do you catch 'em?”

“Well, I crawls up unner one of them Lexus and wait fer someone t’ unlock the door. Den ah jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the poop out of 'em, and eat 'em!”

“Ah!” says the big alligator, nodding sagely, “I think I see your problem. You ain’t gettin’ any real nourishment. See, by the time ya’ll get done shakin’ the shit outta lawyer, there ain’t nothin’ left but lips and a briefcase.”

51

Nah, the difference is that a hooker’ll stop screwin’ ya when you’re dead.

52

A man remarks to another man, “It’s so cold, I saw a layer with his hand in his own pocket!” Haw haw haw haw.

53

I cite post 46 as a precedent. :slight_smile:
Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

The interrupting lawyer.

The inter…

OBJECTION!

54

A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer were sitting on the back porch of their favorite pub. Each of them had his loyal dog with him. The three men were drinking a lot of beer and eating a lot of chicken. As they were on the back porch, they just chucked the bones near the dogs. The dogs, being very well trained, did not touch the bones.

After a while, one of the men said his dog was the best of the three dogs there. An argument ensued and the men only agreed on one thing, his own dog was the best dog there. So, they decided to test the dogs.

The doctor looked at his dog and said, “Scalpel! Do your stuff!” The doctor’s dog jumped into the pile of chicken bones and for a few minutes all you could see was a cloud of dust. Scalpel shot out of the cloud and the dust settled. What was left was a perfect representation of the human skeleton. Scalpel walked over to her happy owner.

The engineer, not to be outdone, said to his dog (poor thing had lost one leg some time ago), “Tripod! Do your stuff!” Yet another cloud of dust rose up as Tripod was doing something with the chicken bones. Tripod shot out of the cloud and sat down by her happy master. When the dust settled, you could see a lovely representation of the Golden Gate Bridge.

The lawyer put his thumbs inside his vest armholes, mumbled “Hmph,” then walked over to his dog. He patted him on the head and said, “Shyster! Do your stuff!” Shyster then seduced the other two dogs and ate all the chicken bones.