How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
Okay kids, this is a bad one. This joke is so fucked up, I’m gonna have to take extreme measures and put it in a spoiler box. Click at your own risk. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the legendary Fisherman joke.
[spoiler]
So anyway, this bloke Ted is on a fishing holiday and on the first day he decides to head down to the lake extra early so he can have all the fish to himself. He gets down to the lake at 7:00am sharp, and is annoyed to find that there’s already another bloke down there with an impressive pile of fish. He resolves to get there earlier the next day.
Come sunrise he heads straight down to the lake, getting there for 6:00am. But again, that same bloke is there again, sitting next to an enormous pile of fish. “Jesus” thinks Ted “Doesn’t he ever go home? Right, you bastard. Tomorrow.”
The next day he sets his alarm for 4:00am and, in the pre-dawn twilight, makes a bee-line straight for the lake, getting there just before 5:00am. As his eyes adjust to the gloom, they alight on his old adversary, absolutely surrounded by fish. “Fuck it” thinks Ted “If you can’t beat 'em, join 'em”. He heads over to the guy, sticks out his hand, and says “Alright Mate, My name’s Ted. Here on holiday, are you?”
“Nah…well, sort of.” his companion replies, “I’m actually on my honeymoon.”
“Your Honeymoon?” asks Ted, curious “So, if you don’t mind me asking, why are you spending all your time here? Why aren’t you back at your hotel seeing to your missus?”
“Cant do that” the man replies, visibly disgusted at the thought “She’s got every STD under the sun. Seriously mate, it’s a right mess down there. Crabs as big as my thumbnail skittering around in broad daylight. Bunches of warts. Mushrooms. And there’s these bloody great throbbing boils on her minge that leak this fuckin’ green goo 24-7. Honestly mate, it’s a disaster area.”
“Okay” Ted fires back, “Then why not go for plan B and take her up the arse?”
“Well, I would, see, but the thing is her rectum’s prolapsed and it just kinda hangs there. I call her Blossom. Then, of course, you’ve got the diarrhoea, the haemorrhoids, the abcesses, the constant farting, more warts, oh I could go on all day mate. Seriously, that whole area, it’s a proper no-go.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake mate” Ted cries in exasperation “Couldn’t you at least get her to give you a blowjob or something?”
“Not a chance, mate. Her teeth are black with rot, her tongue’s covered in green fuzz, she’s got pyorrhea, ulcers, the worst case of halitosis I’ve ever…”
“Well why’d you fuckin’ marry her then?”
“For the maggots”[/spoiler]
The good (for want of a better word) thing about that joke is it’s a little bit like an English version of The Aristocrats joke in that you can really go to town on describing the wife and make her as messed up as you like. There’s literally no limit to how fucked up you can make it:)
And where do both Eileen and Irene (our aforementioned one-legged women) work? IHop.
What do you call a black man who flies a plane? A pilot, you racist bastard.
Know why you never hear a joke about the Jonestown Massacre?
The punch line is too long.
A guy is checking out at his local 7-11 and the clerk, who he knows, notices he’s buying condoms. The clerk winks and says “So, you and Lu Ann gonna get a little frisky tonight”? The guy replies “No. These aren’t for Lu Ann, they’re for my daughter Betty”. The clerk looks surprised and asks “Betty, she’s only 11, is she sexually active?”. The man sighs and says “Nope. She just lays there like her Ma.”
Best one yet, bravo!
Holy freakin shit, That is definately the sickest joke I’ve ever heard.
What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?
I can’t peanut butter my dick up your ass.
Farrah Fawcett arrives at the pearly gates. St Peter tells her,“Farrah, you’ve live an exampleary life, I’ll give 1 last wish before you pass through.”
Farrah replies,“I just want all the children in the world to be safe.”
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
“What was that?” The others asked her.
“Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy.” A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
“What was that?” the others asked.
“Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong.”
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
“What was that?” the others asked her.
“It was thalidomide,” she said, “I just can’t get the arms right on this sweater!”
And poof Michael Jackson appeared? Or some punch line like that, right?
Ha! Superb 
OK, got a couple…
-Why, nowadays, women don’t want to marry?
-Because, for 100 grammes of sausage, they don’t want to keep the whole pig.
A young boy, 8 years old perhaps, goes to his mother and asks: “Mommy, can a 7-year old girl get pregnant?” “Of course not, child!”, says his mother. To which he shouts: “SHIT!! The bitch made me break my piggy bank to pay for the abortion!”
Another young boy goes to his mom, in tears, and tells her: “Mommy, mommy! The other kids at school are always teasing me! They call me a mafioso!” “Don’t worry, my child”, says the mother. “I will take care of this”. “OK”, says the boy, “but make it look like an accident”.
“Mom, mom! I am sick and tired of walking in circles!” “Shut up, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor as well!”
This is a joke I read in a Russian newspaper, in St. Petersburg, around 1993.
An old man and his grandson are sitting on the bank of a big river, watching the sunset. Then, the child says: “Grandpa, granda, is it true that, here, there was a big nuclear power station?” And the old man, caressing his grandson’s head, said: “Yes, my child, here there was a big nuclear power station”. “And, grandpa, is it true that there was a big catastrophe?” And the old man, caressing his grandson’s second head, said: “Yes, my child, there was a big catastrophe…”
Another Russian joke, same place, same time, but this one I saw on TV.
An anchorman, soberly dressed, with a black armband, looking very sad and serious, is talking to viewers while, in the background, Chopin’s “Funeral March” plays.
“Dear viewers, we are here to give our last farewell to our beloved friends. They were with us for a long, long time, and it is with deep sadness in our hearts that we have to say goodbye to them. Truly a sobering moment…”, and the eulogy goes on and on.
Meanwhile, as the anchorman is giving his eulogy, behind him, several trucks festooned with black ribbons and funeral wreaths slowly drive by. On the trucks it is written, in big letters: “BREAD” - “MILK” - “EGGS” - “POTATOES”…
Ah, Russian jokes. I heard Ronald Reagan tell this one as an example of the sense of humor the Soviets had about their own society:
To get a car in Russia, you must first pay $50,000, then wait ten years for the car to be delivered. A Russian man went to a dealer to buy a car, handed over his $50,000, and signed the necessary papers.
“Okay,” said the dealer, “everything is in order, your car will be delivered in ten years.”
“Morning or afternoon?” the man asks.
“…it’s ten years from now, what does that matter?”
“The plumber’s coming in the morning.”
I don’t get it. Does he think maggots are attractive, or does he think of them as their children, or what?
I think he’s using them for fishing bait.
Bait.
Fisherman. Bait.
Think of them as their children?!?. Dude! That interpretation makes the joke so much more disgusting. Well done
:smack: