Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
One stops sucking when you slap it.
on the Davy Crockett at the Alamo joke, I heard it as
“are we pouring concrete today?”
What’s the difference between a British man and his girlfriend?
His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.
I overheard this conversation at work the other day.
Coworker-1: {Generalized muttering about current gummint, and right-wing theories about why Texas didn’t get one of the retired space shuttles}
Coworker-2: “We already got one… back in '03. It came with ‘some assembly required’, though.”
I shouldn’t have, but I chuckled at this one.
What do you call a Quadriplegic in the water
Bob
NASA
Need Another Seven Astronauts
–
What kind of wood doesnt float?
Natalie Wood
How do you know it is bed time in Michael Jacksons house?
The big hand touches the little hand
What do you get when you cross a hooker with a leprechaun?
A little green fucker about 2 feet tall
Man 1: How did you get a black eye?
Man 2: I called my wife a 2 bit whore
Man 1: Ouch, what did she hit you with?
Man 2: Her bag of quarters.
Dad buys a robot that detects lies which slaps people when they lie. At dinner, dad asks his son “Where were you today”.
The son replies “at school dad”. The robot slaps the boy. “OKAY! I watched a dvd at a friends house”.
The dad then asks, “What DVD was more important then going to school?!”
The boy responds “Toy Story”. The robot slaps the boy. "OKAY! We watched porn! GEEEZ!
Dad yells, “PORN! DAMMIT! When I was your age, we didnt even know what porn was!!!” The robot slaps the dad.
Mom starts laughing "HAHAHAHAHA HE SURE IS YOUR SON! " The robot slaps the mom
A Couple, Suresh and Reeta Sharma,in the US., were unable to conceive and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, he kissed her and said, ’ I’m going to office. The man should be here soon.’
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
…
‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ She cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’
‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Do you know Babies are my Speciality?’
‘Well that’s what I hope. Please do come in!’
After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’
‘Leave everything to me. None can guarantee a good one every time. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, a couple on the bed, even living room floor is fun. I try different positions, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’
‘My, that’s a lot!’, She gasped
‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in 5 mins, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
‘I know,’ She said quietly.
He opened his briefcase & pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’
‘Oh, my God!’ She exclaimed!
‘These twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’
‘She was difficult?’
‘Yes, I finally had to take her to the park. People crowded around to get a good look!’
‘A good look?’ She said , her eyes wide with amazement.
‘For 3 hours, She was squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, & when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots.’
‘Ma’am, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can start right away!’
…'Tripod?
'I need Tripod To rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be hand held ’
Mrs Sharma fainted..
It is impossible for a man to rape a woman. A woman can run faster with her dress pulled up, then a man can with his pants down
Judge to Hooker: When did you realize you were raped
Hooker to Judge: when the check bounced
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The bartender asks, Whats wrong? The old man looks at the bartender through teary eyes and between sobs says, I married a beautiful woman two days ago. Shes a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed. The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying? The old man looks at the bartender and says, I cant remember where I live!
WOMEN’S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat…
10% of women think their ass is too skinny…
The remaining 60% say they don’t care, they love him, he’s a good man and they wouldn’t trade him for the world.
Why dont women fart
They dont get ass holes until they grow up and get married
In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise notto touch any of the buttons on the wall.”
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identifiedby letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn’t resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nicethings like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait topush the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed,and a nurse was staring down at him.
“What happened?” he exclaimed. “The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.”
“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.Your penis is under your pillow.”
MEN NEVER LISTEN.
One for my Atheist friends
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge
towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on
the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right
on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: “Oh my God!..” Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
“You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
could you make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the
forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both
paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord Amen.”
Seriously.
Ah, so we’re doing sexist jokes now. Okay:
Why haven’t we ever sent a woman to the moon?
It doesn’t need cleaning.
How can a man tell when a woman has an orgasm?
Who cares?
Why do doctors slap newborn babies?
To knock the dicks off the dumb ones.
Did you hear they’ve invented a new device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
What’s the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman’s mouth?
Einstein’s cock.
???
You missed the punchline! God tells Michael, “you can never get into heaven with that stain on your soul.”
Michael says, “Nothing gets out stains like OxyClean!”
And God kills Billy Mays.
Why is a just-deflowered virgin like a just-shot-down Navy airplane?
They both have cockpits full of bloody se(a)men.
What’s long and hard and filled with semen?
My dead sister.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the forest?
No, but I did hear about the leper hockey game. There was a face-off in the corner.
Guy goes black bear hunting, see a brown bear, takes aim with his rifle and shoots. he feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there is a brown bear that says
You should not have done that, I’m going to have to fuck up the ass to teach you a lesson. The bear throws him over a log, tears his pants off and fucks him up the ass.
When he gets out of the hospital, he goes and buys a bigger rifle and goes brown bear hunting. He sees the bear that fucked him, he takes aim and fires.
He feels a tap on his shoulder, he turns around and there is a grizzly bear. the bear says you should not have done that, I’m going to have to fuck up the ass to teach you a lesson. The bear throws him over a log, tears his pants off and fucks him up the ass.
When he gets out of the hospital, he goes and buys a bigger rifle and goes grizzly hunting. He sees the grizzly that fucked him, he takes aim and fires. he feels a tap on his shoulder turns and there is a Kodiak bear that says You should not have done that, I’m going to have to fuck up the ass to teach you a lesson. The bear throws him over a log, tears his pants off and fucks him up the ass.
When he gets out of the hospital, he goes and buys a bigger rifle and goes after the Kodiak that fucked him. He finally spots it and is aiming his rifle when he feels a tap on his shoulder. he turns and see a Polar Bear that says You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?
Herman Munster is that you?
What’s blue and molests children?
Me! In my lucky blue suit!
What’s funnier than a dead baby?
Dead baby in a clown suit.
Did I post that one already? I don’t remember and I don’t feel like checking.
Free lunch! (If you live in Florida)