I saw this on Sickipedia.org this morning. In front of an office full of people, I clasped my hands to my face and, completely involuntarily, went “Ooh, fucking hell!” Then a few people came over to see what’s up, and they did the same. Spoilered, for good reason:
I know what you did last, Summer.
Stopped breathing
Harsh!
What’s a Sioux picnic?
A six-pack and a puppy.
How do you make a cat go “WOOF!”
Light it on fire.
How do you make a dog go “MEEEEOOOOOW!”
Run it through a table saw.
Why was Bert doing the pigeon?
Because Ernie said,“Not tonight hon, I have a headache.”
You know the expression, “Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed” ?
I’m totally down with that… 'Cuz I’m pretty sure after I slamfuck my six-month old daughter for an hour or two, she’s gonna bleed real good!
ETA: I need some brain bleach. That one is just too sick to even be flattered by the term “offensive”.
“A Chinese leader and an American leader were comparing whose bodyguard would be more loyal/devoted. The American leader orders his bodyguard to jump from the 10th floor, and the bodyguard kneels down and says: “Please don’t, I have a family.” As a result, the American leader’s heart softened. The Chinese leader orders his bodyguard to jump and without a word, the bodyguard prepares to jump. In horror, the American leader immediately grabs him. The Chinese bodyguard says to him: “Please don’t, I have a family.””
Tony Clifton:
How do you get a gay man to make love to a woman?
Shit in her pussy.
I just got this. I haven’t laughed this hard since, well, when I laughed hard in a place deemed inappropriate…
It is so un-PC and am reluctant to post but it made me laugh. A comedic timing thing.
http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/the_end.html
Ok, now that was funny!
A woman creates a Facebook page for her unborn fetus. Some smartass creates a FB page for a coathanger so he can ‘Poke’ it.
This was such a good one in it’s time.
What happens when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
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A 20 foot cock that wants to “reach out and touch somebody.”
Google the quote kids.
Then there’s the one about the dumb-blonde secretary who kept putting liquid paper over her typos on the computer screen.
Please pardon the timeline – I don’t recall all the details.
Ed McMahon died.
Farrah Fawcett died the next day.
Michael Jackson died mere hours later after Farrah.
Here’s how the whole joke goes:
Ed McMahon dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter wants to reward him for all his charity work and lifestyle of clean living.
Saint Peter asks Ed, “What would you like to have in Heaven?
Ed replies “I want to spend my time in Heaven with a beautiful woman.”
So Saint Peter kills Farrah Fawcett.
Farrah Fawcett arrives in Heaven, and Saint Peter says “As a reward for your lifestyle of clean living, generous charity work and the suffering you had to endure, I will grant you eternal peace in heaven. What would you like to have?”
Farrah says, “ I just want to see all the children of the world to be safe.”
So Saint Peter kills Michael Jackson.
So, Saint Peter completes the trifecta.
Enlighten me.
Joe
Donna Summer
Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
Otherwise, they would fill up with gravel.
Know what Davy Crockett’s last words were?
“The fuck are all those roofers doing out there?”
Thought they were gardeners or landscapers.
Geographically dependent, I think 
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Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia
*Nice Tits,
Get in the Truck*