A friend of mine lost her mom last year and her dad a few years before that. She has been telling any number of friends, including me, that she puts one of her mom’s photos on the kitchen counter and talks to her/it while fixing lunch, etc.; if she gets a new outfit, she shows it to her mom’s photo; when she goes to bed, she takes with her a throw pillow that has her mom’s pic inset into it, along with a bunch of stuffed animals, and finds this comforting.
She also talks to her dad when there is a ball game on TV that he would have watched.
I can see engaging in this kind of behavior for a while after a person’s death, but now that it’s been going on so long, I wonder if there is a problem here.
There are other issues involved with this person: compulsive hoarding; lots of drama (about everything); an extreme reluctance to spend money (which she has plenty of) even with the house literally falling apart, the utilities and appliances malfunctioning and so forth.
Back to the photo thing…Is this a disorder of some kind? I’ve heard of one other person doing it, so there must be more, but it doesn’t seem all that healthy.
Last week I had to have my dog put to sleep. Yesterday I went walking along our favorite route, stopping and pausing for a moment at each of his favorite spots. It made me feel good. Am I therefore ‘crazy’?
do you talk to him while fixing lunch, show him a picture of your new outfits, and talk to him when there is a ball game (dog show?) on TV that he would have watched? Then yes.
No, but what if I were cleaning the shelf that his ashes are on, and I picked up his little plastic urn and wistfully said something like “hey, little buddy”. Would that qualify? I really don’t see any difference between the two behaviors. One is just carried to a further extreme.
You don’t have to have a diagnosable clinical mental illness to engage in that type of behavior. Some people strongly believe that their dead relative has passed to “the other side” and can still be communicated with. That is a fairly common belief among many cultures, even American ones, and there are professionals that conduct seances either privately for a fee or publicly on popular TV programs. Combine that with the belief that a picture is a good medium to help the process and you have the recipe for the behavior described.
I personally think it is batshit insane but it may sound like a perfectly reasonable idea to many people around the world that hold these beliefs. If you really break it down, many churches have prominent pictures of Jesus and saints that people openly pray to.
I’d say she’s negatively reacting to the grieving process. Calling her crazy is bullshit, but IMO she needs to see a therapist to help her work things out.
My grandfather died this past February, and my mom died exactly a month later.
My grandmother (who lost her husband and daughter so close together) has their ashes on her dresser in the bedroom. She says “Good Morning” to them most days, and will hold short (one way) conversations with their ashes occasionally.
I don’t think it’s that crazy, she doesn’t believe that they are alive or anything. She just gets lonely and it comforts her to speak to them.
I go for dinner over there every Sunday, and I even talk to them myself sometimes! It’s mainly something I do because I love them both and miss them so much, and it’s weird to not have them involved in my life anymore.
I think everyone suffers from mental illness at some point. You aren’t having conversations with dead things yet, so I don’t think what you did qualified as mental illness.
At this point, I lthink it is jusy a coping technique she has developed to deal with the grief and feeling of absence.
If she starts “taking advice” from thses conversations (My dead mom told me to sell the house and buy a sports car!" then it becomes something bordering on mental illness.
Just mny opinion, though…
Best advice… talk to her in a nneutral setting, if you feel comfortable about it… Be interested but neutral, and of course supportive and understanding. Let her know that you care and are concerned, and want to know if she is “OK”.
So far, it’s all non-interactive.
We (the mutual friends) had hoped that this year she would start to turn things around–get the house fixed up, get her own ailments attended to, have a healthier lifestyle, and so on, but there’s been a real decline in the past six or so months. She still functions at work and goes out to do things on weekends, but in the meantime the house keeps deteriorating. At least some of this might be clinical depression. She herself has said she needs therapy, and her doctor gave her the contact info for a counselor, but she still has not made an appointment.
I do keep in touch with her on a regular basis.
Talking to the pictures really seems the least of her problems. Do try to persuade her to get some assistance, but don’t focus on that aspect of things.