Yes, I admit that I read AITA (Am I The Asshole) posts on Facebook. A common theme is ''She told me that I was being selfish and didn’t care about her.’ It’s always, ‘I have special needs [read: ‘Demands’], and if you don’t do what I say, then you’re selfish.
When I read these I think, ‘Yes, and…?’
I like to make people happy, and I will accommodate them to a reasonable degree. But sometimes I’m like, ‘Well. Here we are.’ I can cook vegetarian, but I can’t really cook vegan. Granted, we almost never have anyone over for dinner. I’ll try to accommodate. But if I’ve made an effort, then in the face of unreasonable demands, they have a choice of two things for dinner: Take it, or leave it.
I’m not sure what the “unreasonable demands” are. If you invited someone over for dinner, and you knew beforehand that they were vegan, yes it is on you to make sure they can actually eat, otherwise what was the point of inviting them for dinner? Do something else with them if you just want to spend time with them.
The context of the AITA posts is this: Someone is making Thanksgiving (for example) dinner, and family is invited. An in-law announces that she (it’s always a she) has made dietary choices (as opposed to medical choices or religious requirements) about the food she can consume. The host will offer accommodating options, but the SIL (or whomever) will insist that she have a special menu and that everybody else must eat the same menu. e.g., Nobody else can have turkey, because she won’t eat turkey. My opinion is that I am inviting people over for a specific dinner. I will make reasonable accommodations (e.g., vegetarian options, or options that do not conflict with medical or religious requirements), but I don’t think it is reasonable for one ‘non-core’ guest to insist that everybody else conform to her restrictions. If a person has made lifestyle choices that I cannot accommodate, then it’s up to them to bring their own acceptable food. Or else decline the invitation. I can offer vegetarian options. I can offer low-carb options. And I will. But I don’t think it’s reasonable to create an entire menu for one person.
As usual, it is the concept of “My Circle” vs “Your Circle.” And too many people mix up these two and that’s where conflict arises.
You can wear a blue shirt, and I can wear a red shirt. Neither of us has intruded on the other’s circle or rights. But the moment you demand that I wear a blue shirt, or I try to ban you from wearing a blue shirt, we have intruded on each other’s circles.
So, a vegan has the right to bring their own vegan food. They do not have the right to demand that non-vegan people eat vegan food only.
I really don’t think anyone would disagree. They always make the vegan very unreasonable, while the host is reasonable. It being a vegan, a woman, and an in-law isn’t by accident. It’s never someone they really care about, a core member of the family. The host is always willing to give some accommodations while the vegan wants more and is some big jerk. They use words like “selfish” and and treat you badly.
In other words, you’re intended to think she’s the asshole and the poster is not. And while I’m sure it happens, I think most instances are fake.
I do have a restricted diet. I always tell the host. There usually are foods I can’t have, but they make a point of making sure there’s stuff I can. Simple things like setting aside some mashed potatoes before putting butter in, or using separate serving spoons to avoid cross contamination. They will let me know what seasonings and ingredients are in things, or even use alternatives. Hell, I’ve been asked for the stuff to make gravy I can eat, which I happily provide. It’s gravy, it’s just as easy to cook with my stuff than the other stuff, and anyone can enjoy.
The most I’ve gotten is a desert made just for me. But I don’t insist on anything at all.
Maybe I’m missing something, but I’m uncomfortable with this wording. I think Johnny_LA is merely characterizing other people’s commentary, not proclaiming the view that women are more likely to be selfish than men. Is that right?
As for my own experience, assholes come in all gender identities, despite the natural human tendency to reduce bad behavior to “dicks” and “Karens” and perhaps to believe that one category is more prevalent than the other.
Keep in mind, you only ever read AITA posts from the viewpoint of the aggrieved.
In real life, people almost never reach a breaking point over a single incident. It’s almost always a consistent pattern of behavior that the other party has tried to address multiple times and they ultimately reach the conclusion that the other person will never change and that this becomes a dealbreaker.
For the person on the receiving end of that feedback, if you’re not intent on changing, it’s very easy to twist the fact patterns so you conveniently omit all of the history and make it so the other party is irrationally focusing on some minor thing and is unwilling to make any concessions.
I view AITA more as a study on how people can psychologically protect themselves from feedback by mentally constructing narratives that they can feed to an audience eager to reflect their own biases back to them. Trying to reverse engineer from the story and conversations back to what “really” happened can often reveal how people construct their blind spots.
Johnny_LA is characterizing the typical AITA Thanksgiving-style post where the unreasonable person is almost always depicted as a female loosely associated with the poster. These posts are usually made up for engagement farming and a part of that is the typical trope characters that just “work” for farming replies and upvotes.
He’s not making a point about women in general or in reality, it’s more like saying “And the hero – it’s always a white guy with brown hair and a 5 o’clock shadow…”. To be clear, it IS sexist that it’s always some unreasonable Karan/harridan figure making the drama in these stories but Johnny_LA is just pointing that sexism out, not embracing it.
Well no shit that person is the asshole. That wasn’t mentioned at all in the OP. That sounds like a totally fake made up scenario to gain Reddit upvotes.
With no disrespect to the OP person I’m genuinely struggling to understand what the point of the OP post is.
Are we commenting on stupid fake Facebook screeds? Are we discussing similar (but almost certainly less outrageous) experiences in our own lives? Are we talking, keyboard warrior style, about how deftly we’d defeat somebody as outrageous as the cartoon villain in the AITA post(s)?
Boiled down, I took it as his saying “When you eat at my house, I’ll try to accommodate, but I’m not bending over backwards for you. Take it or leave it.” Can’t see much wrong with that attitude.
I think women are more likely to ask questions (AITA) - men are more likely to have made up their minds ‘because I’m right, they’re wrong’ and don’t care to discuss it, on and on.
Don’t go to others houses for a meal if you’re in need of a special diet or you’re allergic to their cat, or suspect black mold in their basement.
IF you’re gonna put yourself out there and have a dinner party. You cook. Seems successful. The next week you hear someone didn’t care for your roast. What ya gonna do? You cannot please the whole entire world
IF you ask for criticism, don’t be surprised when you get it.
The Karen and AITA videos are often accompanied by miles of posts with horrible critique. Sometimes you see a creator upset because of “hate online”.
AITA are in almost all cases made up stories to gain upvotes/likes. The asshole is always a cartoonish villain who behaves outlandishly so everyone will tell the OP “Of course you did the right thing! Take my internet point!”
When I was eating hardcore nil-carb I told any hosts to just ignore my weird habits and I’ll make do with whatever you offer that fits my limits. In the unlikely event I need to go hungry, I’ll survive. IMO that’s the only real answer that works for a large group in which I’m just one vote. And I’d expect that same consideration from anyone visiting me while I’m hosting a large group.
If I’m having one or two people over and my household is also just one or two then there’s more ability to customize the menu. e.g. No matter how much I like my stuffed pork loin, I’m not serving it to Jewish friends.
Back when I worked in an office we often went out to lunch as a group of 6-10. Most everybody was omnivorous but we had one childish eater whose palate was pizza or McDonalds. Period. So we normies all picked where we wanted to go, then their choice was to come along or not. And yes, we made sure pizza was in our rotation of 10-15 local eateries. But not McD’s; that was a bridge too far. Nobody gave the fussy one any shit, but we also didn’t let them dictate our range of choices.
I remember hosting a dinner party for 8, with one vegetarian. I made a vegetarian starter for all to eat, then two different pastas dishes, one veggie, one meat. She complained that the meat eaters got a choice when she didn’t. She was the arsehole.
I had a coworker who would only eat spaghetti, or sandwiches made only with meat and bread (no add-ons or condiments). Everyone, including her, knew this. Pot lucks would usually include spaghetti. She would often bring her own.
I’m still avoiding needless carbs. At my recent job, there would be the occasional pizza luncheon. The admin would order a meat-and-cheese-filled salad for me, or else I’d go to Trader Joe’s to get myself a Cobb salad.
I really need to stop posting what prompts things I wonder about.
That’s the unreasonable part right there. My wife’s family has some food issues and choices, and the general expectation is that whoever’s cooking will accommodate them, but it’s not a demand that the entire meal cater to them either.
And that’s harder than it sounds; one person has food sensitivies ( ) to onions, garlic, leeks, chives, mushrooms, peppers, and a few other things I can’t recall, as well as just dislikes of several other things. And another person is a lacto-ovo vegetarian.
So we’ve always got alternate dishes for them, but the main meal is centered around the other seven of us who will eat anything. If they expected the rest of us not to eat onions, peppers, mushrooms, etc… or meat, that wouldn’t fly.
There is part of me that feels like veganism is sort of unreasonable in social situations like that- too many dishes call for broths or dairy ingredients, and it’s not a reasonable expectation for vegans to expect others to cater to their choices to the rather extreme degree that veganism requires. They’re always welcome to bring their own stuff, but expecting others to conform to their choices is unreasonable. It would be no different than if I demanded that someone cooking for a dinner party either not prepare anything with squashes, sweet potatoes or raw tomatoes, because I don’t like them and I choose not to eat them. Nobody’s required to be 100% vegan; they choose to be so.
) to onions, garlic, leeks, chives, mushrooms, peppers, and a few other things I can’t recall, as well as just dislikes of several other things. And another person is a lacto-ovo vegetarian.