About three weeks ago I met this girl at my local pub. And let me tell ya, this girl is great not only is she smart, beautiful, and our personalities match to a T but she’s also level headed and has her priorities straight. Which is a quality I’ve been having a hard time finding lately in a girl. The past coulple of girls I’ve been with didn’t have a job and were WAY to into the drug scene. So I must admit I’m rather exicited about this girl I’ve been seeing. (And yes I know It’s only been three weeks but still)
Rant 1.) Last week we went to one of her favorite bars. For the most part we had fun except these guys kept comming up to her and hitting on her right in front of me! And some of these jerk-wads even had the audacity to say things like “Why you with him? He’s white, you need to stay true to your own people.” (We were in a prodimately black bar. if that matters)
Now, I’ve had pretty GF’s before so I’m already used to guys hitting on my girls; It’s just that this whole black and white thing was an extra added kick in the nuts!! Grrr… But I was the “Bigger” man I suppose and I kept my mouth shut and let her handle her these guys herself. Which she did a good job of BTW. Because I know if I would have said anything at all; it probably wouldn’t have turned out well at all.
Rant 2) Last night my Uncle and two supposed friends corner me and try to feed me this line of crap “Hey, listen I’m not prejudice or anything but I (we) really don’t think it’s a good idea to date a black girl because we DO live in a biased world especially here in Texas in all. And I’d really hate to see you get yourself in trouble…” This idiocy goes on but you get the jist.
So listen up people; I can handle total strangers giving me a ration of shit because they’re jealous or what ever. But WTF? I have to put up with this shit from my friends and family too!?
Tell your concerned family and friends that you appreciate their concern, and that you’re glad they’re not bigoted against your GF because of her race, and you hope that their influence will help change some attitudes so that it’s less likely you’d get in trouble just for dating somebody of a different race.
If that doesn’t work, ask them if they think a real man ought to be willing to dump a girl he likes and admires just because he’s afraid of what some racist asshole might think about it.
Good luck to you and your GF, and keep your eyes open. No need to go asking for trouble from racist assholes, even if you’re not willing to let them dictate your love life to you.
My advice to you is this: If you want to proceed in a serious relationship with the girl, be prepared for the shit that will roll downhill on to you guys as a result of it. Sad but true, prejudice and racism is alive and well. Friends, relatives, acquaintances-some of them are not who they seem and in time you’ll know who’s true to you and who’s out for a bit of back-biting.
So think about it, and as things progress, make sure to do what you can as a couple to remain strong, because you’ll most likely need it.
He was Chinese, I am white. My stock reply: “I appreciate your concern. I know we’ll face additional obstacles because of race but he’s worth it.”
Many variations exist, of course, but you get the jist. Short, sweet, to the point, and doesn’t allow room for debate.
FWIW, most of the racism we encountered (aside from his mother) was of the comparatively innocent, “Oh I didn’t realize you were together” variety. Most were genuinely embarassed when they realized their mistake. YMMV will almost certainly vary.
I can totally empathize with you. My first girlfriend was black. I was probably really naive, but it never occurred to me that we would encounter hostility and racism in Canada, where that kind of thing isn’t, or at least didn’t seem to be, too prevalent. But when we walked down the street in Toronto holding hands, people spit on us and called us names. Now that was a wakeup call.
If this is what you want, you are going to have to be prepared to put up with this shit, from both sides, for the rest of your lives, or however long you remain together. If you don’t already hate the human race for being so goddamned stupid, this will do it for you. You and she being the best of friends and lovers may be fine for the both of you, and it’s only right that it should be. But your biggest heartbreaks are going to come from other people. You will learn what impotent rage feels like. I did. She can probably already tell you stories from personal experience that will make you cry.
I wish you and your new friend the best of luck. You are sure gonna need it.
Certainly sometimes, but every single time? Is it completely impossible that someone might not be personally prejudiced but still wouldn’t want their friends or family to be targets of other’s prejudice?
Veteran of a seven year relationship with a black man, here. It was easier than I expected, to be honest. We might have incited comment, but people kept it to themselves for the most part.
Which is good, because I’m something of a hot head.
Good luck with your relationship. May your struggles make you a stronger person.
Oh, come on. I’m not prejudiced against people who make blanket statements, but that one leaves *no *room for circumstance. It may be that the OP’s family are hidden bigots, or they may have been non-prejudiced people sincerely concerned for his well-being dating a black woman in Texas. Similar to the OP’s case: “I’m not prejudiced, but we do live in the middle of the bible belt and many people around here are. Maybe displaying that huge goat-head pentacle in your front window is a good way to ensure you get it smashed in by idiots.”
Ignoring the fact that other people are racist doesn’t make it go away. Similarly, just because someone is prejudiced doesn’t mean thay can’t be compassionate and concerned for good reason. You don’t have to be a bigot to recognize the difficulties than can be faced by minority groups and those that love them in some areas of the country.
Lots of good advice in this thread, don’t throw it away by labeling them as bigots and ignoring it.
It’s interesting, because i think that the issue here is not just one of race, but of gender also.
I remember reading an few articles a while back (i wish i could recall the magazines they were in) where black women complained about a gender double standard within sections of the black community. The general point was that black men can have white girlfriends without occasioning any comment or hostility from anyone, but as soon as a black woman starts seeing a white man, she is subjected to exactly the sort of criticism that your partner faced—being told she should stay true to her own people.
I’m not claiming that this double standard is universal among African American men. For all i know, it might only apply to the few people whose articles i read. But, to the extent that it does occur, i think it reflects an attitude that the women of a particular community somehow belong to the men; it’s similar to white men who get all uptight at the thought of white women seeing black men. And it’s something that we need to try and get past.
That’s bullshit - I’ve had black guy friends who have dated white women tell me about the shit they’ve gotten from other blacks about it. There might be a perception of a double-standard, but from what I’ve seen/heard the “black community” spans the entire spectrum from “yeah, dating outside your race is fantastic” to “everyone should stick to their own kind”
I’ve never been to Texas, but really, if dating a black person is going to cause you to endanger your well being to the degree that you need a to be warned, then how could someone reach dating age without hearing about it? Telling your loved one to stop dating someone because “everyone else except me” goes beyond genuine concern and becomes the most extreme cowardice. I’m 99% sure that the op and his girlfriend are more likely to be hit by a thunderbolt from heaven than to have their front window smashed in soley because they are dating, and even if they would, what’s more valuable, your freedom and your girlfriend, or your safetly?
There is something wrong with saying “I’m not prejudiced, but since other people are, you should modify your behaviour.” Unless you are talking to a little child who is naively unaware of reality, or you are a person who likes to state the obvious to people who already know it, just to be a grinch, there’s really no way someone could say it without it having a secret meaning, which is, “I’m not supporting this relationship.”
It’s a blanket statement to say that “anyone” who says that is a racist, but if you modify it to say “any articulate adult speaking to another adult” is taking the side of racists, then that is true.
No, you don’t have to put up with it. Love who you want to love, because at the end of the day (unless there’s more to the relationship you’re not telling us), it’s just between you and her, and all these strangers and friends and relatives aren’t involved.
The “we’re just concerned because it’ll be harder for you” bit sounds like compassion, and it may even be sincere, but it’s still bullshit. It’s imposing somebody else’s beliefs onto your life and trying to control how you live it. If people have a problem with y’all being in love, that’s something they have to get over; the two of you have already gotten over it and can get down to just sorting out all the normal relationship stuff. And if the world is biased, the way to fix it isn’t by avoiding it, but by setting an example and proving to people that it can work.
Once more people figure that shit out, it’ll be better for everyone.
Huh? Is it impossible for a non prejudiced person to actual state they are not? Does some cosmic force only allow bigots to say those particular words?
What’s so impossible about not wanting a friend to be the target of bigots, without being a bigot yourself? It may be rare, it may be wrong, it may possibly even be cowardly, but it’s not impossible.
So if I tell you not to walk through the bad part of town after dark because you might get mugged, it automatically follows that I’m planning to mug you?
I’m a black gal dating a white bloke, and surprisingly our relationship hasn’t caused many waves. But of course, we’re in Maryland and not Texas, so that may explain it.
I understand your frustration, SHAKES. My folks weren’t exactly ecstatic when I told them I was dating a white feller, but they’re smart enough to see that A) their discomfort is only going to put a strain in my relationship with them (and not between me and my man) and B) to object to me seeing a white guy on the basis of race will make them hypocrites. I have no doubt that with time they will get use to the idea and get the fuck over it. They’ve gotten to know him and can see that he is a nice guy.
Your relatives who think they are doing you a favor by dispensing unsolicited advice will eventually see it’s not producting any results (if you guys stay together) and will start accepting your relationship. It may take a while, but if they really love you, it’ll happen.
Okay but you know what is weird? You agree that of all the people who utter that expression, “I’m not prejudice but,” almost all of them are pretty much only against racism in talk, but have never in their life backed it up by action. Of the few who back it up by action, they only back it up to the point where it might cause some discomfort, such as if their interracially coupled friends get yelled at, so they are still not bigots, they’re just some type of neutered coward who is neither for nor against racism, therefore is not technically a bigot. So right there you feel it is important to draw a line between a bigot, and this coward who is not strictly a bigot, and avoid making a blanket statement about all these people. Who would want to lump in a few wrong cowards with a bunch of bigots?
That is weird.
And Evil Death, when was the last time your uncle pulled you aside and said, “hey I’m not about to mug you, but don’t walk in a bad neighbourhood tonight.” Because if he did, I bet you’d be thinking, “I think my uncle is secretly a mugger.”
